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'The Celebrity Apprentice' recap: 'A New Celebrity Apprentice Is Crowned'

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Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

The Celebrity Apprentice

TV Show
Current Status:
On Hiatus
Reality TV

And the winner of Celebrity Apprentice is… us! Yes, we are all winners in any scenario that involves Geraldo Rivera attempting to recall the titles of TV series starring Lorenzo Lamas as well as Donald Trump chair-dancing alongside giant Transformer robots. But, more specifically, the real winner was Leeza Gibbons—her just reward for having to endure a season’s worth of debates and discussions about menstrual cycles and butt implants with a side order of Ian Ziering motivational speeches.

In a way, it would have perfect for Geraldo to win—just because it would have made about as much sense as anything does on this show—but in the end, the right person took home the title and the $250,000 cash for charity that went with it. (By the way, I can’t tell you how much I wish there were a trophy to go with the victory—perhaps a golden Trump giving the thumbs up sign or maybe just a giant cast of Kenya Moore’s butt.) So, alas, it seems Geraldo’s nefarious subliminal messaging of referring to Trump as “boss” repeatedly throughout the season could not overcome the power of Olivia Newton John crooning a song from everybody’s favorite roller-disco classic, Xanadu. And, thus, Leeza Gibbons gets to become the latest person to show up in future seasons as a Trump Boardroom adviser, nod politely, and agree with everything that her alleged “employer” says. She earned that right, ladies and gentlemen. So congratulations to her. And congratulations to us as we get to recap our last Celebrity Apprentice episode of the season.

But before we get to the actual final task, I have a question for you guys: How do you pronounce Keshia Knight Pulliam? I ask, because while it seems like a pretty basic name with a pretty basic pronunciation, apparently I need to rethink my drink here because according to Mr. Donald Trump, it is pronounced as follows. Let’s go to the videotape…

I mean, I’ll be the first to admit I’ve never been very good with phonetics, but I had no idea that “Pulliam” was pronounced Ah-Lay-Ah-U-Lou-Ha-Ha. But as Mr. Trump told us earlier in the broadcast, he’s always right so I guess he knows what he’s talking about. He also told Ms. Ah-Lay-Ah-U-Lou-Ha-Ha that, “you did a fantastic job on the show.” She was the very first person fired, so again, that statement seems a bit dubious, but he would know I guess!

While we’re on the subject of the live segments, it was nice to see Amanda monetarily freed from the shackles of her technology-free desk to act as live coast-check girl while Miss Universe (a pageant owned by you-know-who) made a somewhat lame pitch to get cast on next season. Speaking of lame, Kenya once again denied stealing Vivica’s phone and Trump let her off the hook while also calling her “terrific” and “nice.” So there was that. Okay, let’s get to how everything went down on the final Universal Orlando task.

Geraldo and Those Damn Kids

Geraldo may have a short fuse with his teammates, but surely he would have a kinder, gentler, defter touch with the children of America right? Wrong. Granted, his team was running late because no one thought to bring his kid actors to the actual location for their shoot, but it was bit uncomfortable watching him hurry the kids from spot to spot while yelling “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. Don’t rest on your laurels!” But the best part was watching Geraldo give direction to the children while filming. “Look at me when you say it, hon,” he instructed one poor girl, not realizing that she feared that looking into the (albeit rose-glass-tinted) eyes of Geraldo Rivera was akin to staring at Medusa and that she might turn to stone at any second.

But things were turning around for Team Geraldo after a percussion demonstration from the finalist as to demonstrate the differences between him and his teammate who was on some show he couldn’t remember the name to. “Once Lorenzo conceded that I was in charge, the whole day went smoother,” said Geraldo. Of course, wasn’t Geraldo in charge from the very get-go? I mean, it’s his task, right? And he made sure it was his task but putting himself all over it, including right smack dab in the middle of the commercial being shot. “I think the strength of the concept lies in the fact that I was going to be Geraldo Rivera reporting—a very familiar, almost some would say iconic figure in American news.” Now, when you say “some,” Geraldo, are you referring to anyone outside of, you know… Geraldo Rivera? Because I think it has been clearly established that Geraldo finds Geraldo to be totally awesome in every single way. I’ll give you that. But “some” implies a plural and this could be rapidly approaching “anyone… anyone… Bueller?” level status.

Unfortunately, everything was running waaaaaay too smoothly down in Florida on Team Leeza as Johnny and Brandi—having gotten all their hot dog eating and roller coaster joyriding out of the way—appeared to be on their best behavior. So once the ads were completed, it was off to New York City!

NEXT: Night of a Thousand (Fox News) Stars