Donald Trump has been robbed, ladies and gentlemen. Robbed! You know it. I know it. And, most importantly, he knows it. And he wanted to make sure everybody else knew it too during this last episode of Celebrity Apprentice. The whole thing went down when it was revealed that Leeza Gibbons had the absolute audacity to have been the recipient of an Emmy award. Honestly, how dare she? Especially in Donald Trump’s Boardroom. Predictably, The Donald was incredulous. “You got an Emmy?” he blurted out. “I got screwed out of an Emmy. Everybody thought I was going to win it! In fact, when they announced the winner I stood up before the winner was announced. And I started walking for the Emmy because… And then they announced the most boring show on television—BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. Piece of crap. I literally stood up and started walking.”
Okay, so much to get into here. Let’s break this sucker down like the freakin’ Zapruder film. First off, Donald Trump is talking about the actual show The Apprentice being nominated for an Emmy in the Outstanding Reality Competition category, as opposed to him being nominated for an individual Emmy for hosting. I know this because I once went out to dinner with Donald Trump, in part because he wanted it explained to him why he was not being nominated for Emmys. It was the best dinner of my entire life.
Secondly, you gotta love that they beeped out the name of the “piece of crap” show that beat out The Apprentice and denied him of his producing Emmy that he so clearly thinks he deserves. That piece of crap show, by the way, is The Amazing Race. Race beat out The Apprentice for the Emmy not once, but twice, in 2004 and 2005. It is unclear as to which year Trump is referring, but either way his statement that “everybody thought I was going to win it” is dubious at best. After all, The Amazing Race also won the award in 2003. And then later in 2006. And 2007. And 2008. And 2009. And 2011. And 2012. And 2014. So, yeah, that show has won the trophy 10 out of the 12 times the award has even been in existence, so it’s hard to understand how anyone would be betting against it. Next up, if Donald Trump did, in fact, begin walking toward the stage to accept an award that he did not even win, then I need visual evidence of such an event IMMEDIATELY! Because it sounds like the most fantastic thing ever.
But here’s the thing about all of this: Trump’s right! The show should win the award! Hell, if it were up to me, Celebrity Apprentice would not only win every single reality Emmy, it would start winning other Emmys as well. Outstanding Variety Series? Hey, Celebrity Apprentice is outstanding in every single way, and it has variety. SOLD! Supporting Actress? Let me tell you something, it’s not easy to sit there and pretend to be a receptionist—especially when they don’t even bother to give you a computer yet for some odd reason provide you with multiple pairs of gold scissors. Give Amanda Miller the trophy right now! Top Miniseries? Well, Gilbert Gottfried was kind of small. That’s mini. Hook the show up with some more hardware! And while we’re at it, give the show some Oscars, Grammys, and Tonys, too! (Listen, scoff all you want, but Celebrity Apprentice winning an Oscar is no more ludicrous than The LEGO Movie not even being nominated for Best Animated Feature. #OscarTruthBomb)
By the way, my advice to Trump to start winning Emmys? Cock your eyebrow more like Phil Keoghan and watch the awards come rolling in. Okay, now it’s time to roll into the seven most awesome and absurd moments from this latest double-shot of Celebrity Apprentice.
1. A Rivers Runs Through It
What a delight it was to see the late, great Joan Rivers make an appearance as Trump’s adviser on the first project. (The season was filmed last spring before the legendary comedian passed away.) I was lucky enough to meet Joan last year and talk to her on the radio. Of course, I basically made sure the entire conversation revolved around my favorite Celebrity Apprentice moment ever—when she leveled Annie Duke with equal parts disgust and disdain by telling her “you’re a pokah playa…a pokah playaaaaaaa.” (As much as I love Joan, I still contend Annie deserved to win though.)
Joan didn’t bust out a whole lot of zingers here, but after Trump exclaimed in the Boardroom “That’s my beautiful champ. How good does she look? Everybody talks about Geraldo doing well. She’s blowing you away,” Joan looked at Geraldo and, without missing a beat, replied “I’ll give you the card later.” Ba-dum-bum! R.I.P.
NEXT: Has anyone seen Sig’s penis?