Happy official beginning of summer, rose lovers! I hope the 11 weeks since our last “journey” ended have treated you well. I also hope you’re prepared for an avalanche of testosterone-drenched drama, if the “this season on The Bachelorette” tease is to be believed. (Ex-girlfriends! Fist fights! F-bombs! A dude lying on a hospital cot wearing uncomfortably short red shorts! Another dude stuttering, “I’ve…I’m…I’ve…I’ve fallen for you.” Des using the phrase “times it by” instead of “multiply it by”! And tears, tears, tears!) But first, we’re gonna have to get through this somewhat sleepy season opener. Uncork the Pinot and let’s get to it.
Harrison greets Des at the Casa Bachelorette annex, and as she tours the the fancy digs and lush grounds, the Bachelorette tearfully reminds us via voice-over about her loving-but-humble childhood (“We lived in an apartment where my brother’s room was the living room. Not a lot of money, not a lot of nice things.”) and her desire to find a love as strong as the one her parents have. “I want it so bad,” she sniffles. Though she was “devastated” by Sean’s decision to give her the boot after hometowns, Des now insists she’s “exactly where I’m supposed to be.”
And that place is… in the seat of a brand new aquamarine Bentley that matches her jewelry. Cue the Ready to Love Again MontageTM! We see Des cruising the coast in her sweet sports car. We see her shop for a cowboy hat while apparently skating to her audition for the part of Roller Girl in the Santa Monica Community Theater production of Boogie Nights: The Musical!. We see her sketching palm trees and terrorizing a flock of seagulls on the beach. What we don’t see Des doing, though, is getting romantic advice from The Bachelor‘s runner-up, a la Sean and Arie’s little tete-a-tete last season — which is too bad, as Des probably could have learned a lot about the Do’s and Don’ts of Effective Baby-Talk from Lindsay. Instead, our Bachelorette sits down with Harrison to discuss what she looks for in a man (“I need someone who can communicate with me”) and why she can’t wait to find her soulmate (“I love cuddling” and “At the end of this…I could be designing my own wedding dress”).
Okay, Des, go get dressed while we meet the men. Rose-seeker roll call starts… now!
Bryden, 26: After having his heart broken “five or six years ago,” the Montana native joined the army and shipped off to Iraq. But he’s also got a sensitive side, as evidenced by the pink bow around his German Shepherd’s neck. Does an actual fist pump when he learns Desiree is the Bachelorette.
Will, 28: A banker who loves life, Bikram yoga, and high-fiving strangers on the street.
Drew, 27: A digital marketing analyst with a sad backstory involving divorced parents, an alcoholic dad, and a “severely mentally handicapped” sister. His hair is extremely neat.
Nick R., 26: The title under his name may say “Tailor/Magician,” but this compact Chicagoan prefers the term “custom clothier.” In his spare time he performs tricks (or shall I say, illusions) in tiny clubs using an ironing board and prop bottles of wine.
Zak, 31: And you thought the last guy had a hilarious job description. This dude is a “drilling fluid engineer,” which is, apparently, an actual thing. Zak likes to expose himself to wildlife while drinking coffee on his porch.