Previously on The Bachelorette: Jerky boys! Weepy girls! Uncomfortable serenades! And f-bombs galore! Yes, the Tealight Candle Thunderdome is ablaze, rose lovers, because it’s time for The Men Tell All: Mysteriously One Week Early Edition!
Well, maybe it’s not so mysterious. It seems Team Bachelorette wants us to believe that there’s a “shocking event” in the next episode that “will change everything.” Harrison warns that said event may mean that Des’ “fairy tale” will ” have an unhappy ending” — a revelation that causes a brunette lady in the audience to pout aggressively.
But first, grab your passports, rose lovers, because Harrison is taking us on a trip to Bachelor Nation, where he and Des are gonna “crash” some viewing parties. Honestly, this whole segment suffers in comparison to the “party crash” montage from Sean’s season, where a packed house of rabid sorority girls forced the Bachelor to strip off his shirt while they filmed it all on their smart phones. (Verbal sexual assault begins at 3:27.) Watching Des, Ashley and JP invade viewers’ living rooms in NY is a lot less gratifying. And really, Mesnick clan? You’re so desperate to get back in the spotlight that you’re going to drag your poor infant to a stranger’s home? At least Trista allowed her kids to stay home.
Filler segment No. 2 takes place in an anonymous sunny backyard, where Ali, Ashley, and Emily have gathered by a pool to give Desiree some advice about how to confront “bad boys” Ben, James, and Brian at The Men Tell All. Emily kicks off the discussion by suggesting that Des use the “Ripping Them a New One” technique at the MTA, but Ali dominates the rest of the conversation (shocker). Highlights of her filibuster include: Suggesting that Ben wasn’t “that bad”; claiming that being the Bachelorette “never even crossed my mind” when she was giving an award-worthy performance on Jake’s season; revealing that she’s “like, really invested” in Des’ performance on MTA. (The Queen of Bitch Mountain is dead! Long live the Queen of Bitch Mountain!)
Hey Diogo! Did you wash those gloves before you stuck your hand in the pretzel jar? Yuck.
After the commercial break, the guys have magically appeared in their seats. Juan Pablo elicits the loudest shrieks from the audience — AS IT SHOULD BE — while the “Barely Registering Half a Decibel” contest is a three-way tie between Robert, Dan, and Nick. (Ben, meanwhile, definitely gets out-booed by James.)
OMG you guys everyone be quiet Juan Pablo has something to say!!! “Being on teams all my life, you know, you get different people everywhere – but there was a lot of drama, man,” he tells Harrison, as the audience giggles approvingly. “There was interesting drama, but everybody’s different – but you’ve got to know how to handle different people, different situations. And, uh, I definitely got some friends out of this group.” Harrison uses that as a segue into the drama montage, which has a few stellar moments: the juxtaposition of the close-up shot of Zak’s Calvin-clad package with Kasey’s “the competition seems very stiff this year” voiceover; Jonathan’s horrified picture-in-picture face as he watched Des send him home for making her feel “very uncomfortable”; this assessment of James from Drew: “Unfortunately James will not be America’s next Bachelor, but he is most certainly guaranteed to be America’s next giant a—hole”; and finally, James and Ben sharing a hearty “God we’re fantastic douchebags, aren’t we?” laugh once the montage ends.
NEXT: Ben strikes back