Welcome back to the season finale of The Bachelorette, which may as well be subtitled This is Totally How Pretty in Pink Should Have Ended, You Guys. When last we saw our Desiree, she was in the process of weeping out 90 percent of her body’s water content over Brooks’ departure. Her “journey,” she insisted, was “over.” And things aren’t looking any brighter today as Chris Harrison joins the Bachelorette for a chat on the open-air patio. “I’m okay,” she tells the host, but all it takes is a simple statement of the obvious — “You’re not” — to send Des into another tearful tailspin. “I’m okay when people don’t ask,” she admits. “I just want to go home, to be honest.”
Well, that can probably be arranged, honey. Hey Team Bachelorette, could you ask Paulie to call Des a cab to the airport? Sadly, though, it’s not going to be that easy. “Drew and Chris are still here,” Harrison says. “If you had never met Brooks, if he wasn’t part of the equation, could you see yourself with one of these remaining two guys?” Yeah, come on, Des – love the one(s) you’re with! Bless her heart, the Bachelorette tries to sound enthusiastic while going through the motions of the traditional “they both have such amazing qualities” talk — things with Chris are “comfortable” and “nice,” and Drew is “genuine” and “sweet” — but really, she just sounds numb. Still, Des insists her spirit isn’t broken, and when Harrison asks if she wants to “continue on,” she nods her head weakly. Atta girl.
For some completely inexplicable reason, Team Bachelorette next insists that Des go through with a rose ceremony — you know, the one that didn’t happen last week — so Drew and Chris can learn that they’re officially the final two. Seriously, guys? You couldn’t have just left them a message at the front desk? Of course not, that would have been too humane. Instead, Des is just going to have to march her brokenhearted self out here and tell blondie and brownie that Brooks dumped her while the cameras are rolling. “You may have noticed that Brooks isn’t here,” she begins, her voice quavering. “He actually chose to go home on his own yesterday, and it was a surprise, and…” [She pauses to tamp the tears back down into their ducts] “…it turned my world upside down because we are at this point. It goes to show, though, that…” [She pauses to stifle a sob] “…that love is unpredictable and it is a two-way street.”
Des then goes on to assure Drew and Chris that there’s nothing to see here, they can all just move along in this “journey” because she’s “taken every relationship individually” and isn’t going to let Brooks and his crazy hair “break my spirit.” And then she starts crying like someone with a broken spirit, and begs Drew and Chris to be honest with her when she offers the final two spite roses: “Just please, if you don’t want to [accept], let me know.” Of course they both say yes, and then Des offers a totally hopeless toast to “staying hopeful.”
NEXT: “I need to tell Drew exactly how I’m feeling right now”