Welcome back to The Bachelorette: Boys Do Cry Edition! Isn’t Madeira Island beautiful? Des and her suitors sail in the turquoise water, soaking in God’s grandeur. “I want to go to there,” says one of the guys (Chris? Michael?), instantly earning 10,000 awesomeness points for making a Liz Lemon reference.
Apparently Chris Harrison’s plane was delayed, because it’s the Bachelorette who maps out the week for us: With five guys left, she’s got three one-on-one dates, and a special two-on-one date that does not require her to send someone home. Great, sounds exciting! Let’s get to it… Oh, bloody hell, what’s this? “I’ve invited some girlfriends from last season out to Madeira to give me their opinion on the final five guys that I have,” says Des. There is, quite literally, nothing true in that statement, but let’s just get this charade over with.
Hi Catherine, Jackie, and Lesley! (I guess AshLee and Lindsay were busy?) Grab your mangotinis, “ladies,” because Des is about to give you the final five download: Chris is “supportive,” Brooks is a “positive person,” but Des isn’t sure he’s “ready.” Michael is “genuine,” Zak is “adventurous” and “reflective,” and Drew is “the sweetest person you’ll ever meet,” but Des is still trying to find out if he has any “spice.” All rightie, boys, time to be objectified! Please proceed to the pool so that Des’ “friends” can inspect you via binoculars. “Oh, I like Drew, for sure!” coos Jackie, as she watches the shirtless Ken doll play basketball in the pool. “Why is Brooks wearing a tank top?” gripes Catherine, though Lesley thinks all of the guys “look very athletic.” Soon enough, the cocktails start to kick in and “ladies” stop being polite and start getting real by boiling the men down to yearbook superlatives.
Best kisser: Drew
Most successful: Michael
Most athletic: Chris
Best body: Drew
Best eyes: Brooks
Most huggable: Catherine’s boobs
Most adventurous: Zak
[Bleep]est [Bleep]is: Des claims not to know, but then ventures a guess anyway. “Probably Chris, maybe… They’re all going to be great lovers.”
Cool your jets, honey — the Fantasy Suite is still a few weeks away. Hop in your smart car, because right now it’s time for the one-on-one with Brooks. They cruise up the mountain and then settle down for a picnic on a peak fringed by fluffy white clouds. “What I’m noticing already is that things are easy with us,” Brooks tells Des. “It’s nice to feel that.” The Bachelorette agrees: “I like figuring it out if this will work outside… It is working.” Isn’t it, though? The duo snuggles and smooches as the clouds wrap them in their misty embrace.
After a brief detour at the hotel, where the stunted Accent Table of Doom delivers a one-on-one date card for Chris, we’re back for the dinner portion of Des and Brooks’ date. The specter of hometown dates looms large over the meal “I feel like my family got really attached to girls I was dating long term, you know?” says Brooks. “The last serious girlfriend I had, when we broke up that was, like, really hard on all of them as well because they get so invested.” And just as he did on their last one-on-one date, Brooks begins tearing up as he talks about how his family is willing to “sacrifice” for each another. Translation: If I get a hometown date, you’d better really mean it, lady.
NEXT: Stepping, skipping, running, retching