Guten tag, rose lovers! Greetings from picturesque Munich, Germany. It’s so elegant, so steeped in history, so cosmopolitan… You know, l think Mikey can describe it better than I can: “Munich is a nice city, you know, for romance.” For sure, dude. Perfect place to fall in love, and so on and so forth.
The guys meet up with Harrison (who must be really cold, given that he appears to be wearing two shirts underneath a hooded sweater and a coat, and a scarf) in one of Munich’s many gorgeous plazas to get the lowdown for the week: group date, one-on-one date, and a “special” two-on-one date. (Key: “special” = “intentionally humiliating.”) Even more amusing than the guys’ faces when Harrison drops that bomb is the host’s valiant effort to pronounce the name of the hotel, which sounds something like Hotel Feeyeargoniz Siten Kepenskie, but is actually called the Hotel Vier Jahreszeiten Kempinski.
Date card! Sorry Kasey, you’re going to have to wait to in Germany happily kiss Desiree, because the first one-on-one date goes to… Chris! He meets Des outside the hotel for a little sightseeing. When Des worries that her German-to-English phrase book makes them look like “silly tourists,” Chris teasingly breaks the fourth wall: “I don’t think that will give it away,” he replies, pointing to the camera crew in front of them. (Okay, it’s official: Chris is my favorite guy here. Who is not Juan Pablo.)
It seems like it’s going to be a perfect date, but that alone — and Des’ foreshadowy proclamation, “I truly hope it sets the tone for the rest of the week” — should tell you something totally unfun is about to happen to our poor Bachelorette. And that something is Bryden. “The longer I’m here, the worse I kind of feel,” he confesses to Team Bachelorette. Even though Des gave him a pep talk last week, at some point during the transatlantic flight to Germany Bryden realized “it was just like a quick little Band-Aid over a deeper wound.” The polite thing to do would be to tell Des after her one-on-one date with Chris… but since when has Team Bachelorette ever let anyone do something the polite way? So Bryden charges out into the bustling streets of Munich in order to ensure that Des finds out as soon as humanly possible that he’s just not that into her.
Meanwhile, Chris and Des are enjoying all of the local delights, including beef jerky, lederhosen, and the oompah-oompah sounds of a brass band. “I don’t think anything could go wrong,” says a smitten Chris. Oh no, buddy – don’t you realize that saying “I don’t think anything could go wrong” on The Bachelorette is like saying “I’ll be right back” in a horror film? Your day is now officially doomed.
Bryden eventually tracks Des and Chris down by asking passersby if they’ve seen any TV camera crews milling around. (Let’s hope at least one of them said, “Buddy, turn around. They’re right behind you.”) For a second he stands on the edge of the plaza, watching the Bachelorette and her date prance around like idiots to the tuba music. When he finally interrupts the couple and asks if he can just “take her for a couple of minutes,” Chris is ridiculously polite about it: “Yeah, yeah, okay.” To be honest, the entire time Bryden was dumping Desiree (“I’m so glad I got to meet you and hang out, and I consider you a friend now, but…”), all I could think was, Poor Chris. Will this nice guy ever win?
NEXT: “I need to now go and murder Ben”