Paul Hebert/ABC
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July 09, 2018 at 10:23 PM EDT

The Bachelorette

type
TV Show
genre
Reality TV
run date
01/08/03
performer
Chris Harrison
broadcaster
ABC
seasons
14
Current Status
In Season

Don’t be sad because Richmond, Virginia, is over, rose lovers — be grateful that it happened. This week, Becca and her man-harem have alighted in the far less glamorous locale of the Bahamas, but let’s try to make do.

Once Becca and the guys get settled in their sweet Baha Mar suites, the Bachelorette sits down with Chris Harrison for a pre-date chat. She’s hoping for a drama-free week (LOLz) and some “romance on the beach.” Becca admits she’s “falling for a couple guys here” — which means four dudes are just treading water (heh heh) until she’s allowed to cut them. This week, by the way, roses will be handed out on dates — and the guys left empty-handed at the end of each date will not be bringing Becca (and a fleet of cameras) into their homes next week. Time to separate the wheat from the chaff, “lady”!

Oh dear. This is what Wills chose to wear to greet Becca in the Bahamas.

ABC

I don’t want to say that’s why Wills didn’t get the first date, but I’m sure it didn’t help. Instead, Becca plucks Colton from the couch for a one-on-one in the Bahamas sun. The guys are surprised and more than a little annoyed because — drumroll, please — Colton still hasn’t told Becca he’s a virgin. Look, his body, his choice — but I agree that this is information Colton needs to share with Becca ASAP. She’s looking for a husband, not a pupil. Or as Garrett puts it, she just may not want to “take that on.”

Especially since Becca is already giddy about how much “chemistry and passion” she has with the former football player. “He could just pick me up and do whatever he wants to do,” she says. Just as Colton is working up the courage to tell Becca about his lack of experience, this guy shows up:

ABC

“You know what y’all need?” he asks the duo. “Some conch.” As it turns out, the “pistol” of the conch mollusk is known as “Bahamian Viagra,” and since Becca and Colton haven’t made out for at least 10 minutes, they need all the natural aphrodisiacs they can get. Plus, it gives Team Bachelorette an opportunity to make Becca say things like this:

ABC

When they’re back on deck, the guide cuts open the conch and helps Colton and Becca remove the pistol, which closely resembles a slimy worm. “Chew it like gum!” he instructs Colton. “Put it in your mouth, man!”

ABC

“If you eat one, I’ll eat one,” Becca says gamely. That’s the spirit, honey! But try not to get too hot and bothered, because Colton is about to throw a bucket of ice-cold water on your libido.

ABC

Okay, I’m sorry — that’s not fair. Colton was actually a lot more articulate about his situation, saying: “I told you earlier that I put my professional life in front of my personal life. And I spent a lot of time working on football Colton, and I sort of forgot who personal Colton was… And I haven’t had that many girlfriends, that many dates, because of sports. Um, and because of that, I still am, I am a virgin.”

Becca, meanwhile, has a terrible poker face.

ABC

She thanks him for telling her, but she clearly doesn’t know what else to say, so she excuses herself politely and walks away from the table. “I don’t know what she’s thinking right now,” frets Colton. “It’s scary.” As much as I’d respect Becca for choosing to end things with Colton — she’s a grown-ass woman with needs, dammit! — we all know our Bachelorette is too nice to send a guy packing for sharing a potentially embarrassing fact with her on television. Colton goes on to admit that he “made up a lot of lies” to “fit in” with the other players’ locker-room talk, and now he feels guilty that he didn’t “stand up for the man I am.” (Next: Blake shame-spirals)

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