Paul Hebert/ABC
Samantha Highfill
July 31, 2017 AT 10:00 PM EDT

The Bachelorette

type
TV Show
genre
Reality TV
run date
03/25/02
performer
Chris Harrison
broadcaster
ABC
seasons
21
Current Status
In Season

If I’m being completely honest with you all, I’m not the biggest fan of the “Tell All” episodes of this franchise, mostly because I think they should be called “The Men Tell Nothing.” However, tonight’s episode is an exception, because these guys were not going to let Lee off the hook, and I was living for it.

After some uncomfortable opening jokes from our beloved Chris Harrison — and an even more uncomfortable video filled with “Tell All” moments we all hoped we could forget — Chris welcomes the guys to the stage. Here tonight are: Jamey, Diggy, Blake, Iggy, Anthony, Lucas, Fred, DeMario, Alex, Jonathan, Lee, Jack Stone, Josiah, Will, Matt, Kenny, Adam, and Dean (whom the men clearly want to be the next Bachelor). Also, did Alex pick out Dean’s blazer tonight?

Chris opens with Lucas, hoping to get Whaboom out of the way early, but little does Chris know that Whaboom is going to continually insert himself into conversations that have nothing to do with him! First up, Lucas claims Blake was “obsessing” over him all season, to which Adam tries to throw in a line about how Lucas should’ve said “wha-bye,” but we’re way over plays on that, dude. Stop trying to make Adam happen, Adam!

Harrison then pivots to the basketball date and DeMario’s girlfriend. What, did you think they were going to ask DeMario about the Bachelor in Paradise drama? NOPE. We’re still stuck on Lexi, that woman no one has thought about since she showed up and got DeMario booted.

DeMario claims that, by the show’s logic, he’s “Beyoncé’s boyfriend.” His back-up defense? “I text everybody.” (Let me kill two birds with one stone here: You definitely don’t text Beyoncé.) And last but not least, DeMario claims that Lexi was nothing more than a “side chick” before he asks for “ocular facts” that they dated, which I guess means he wants something he can see? Well, if that’s the case, Harrison’s got the greatest “ocular fact” of them all: He has DeMario on tape admitting that he dated Lexi.

And here’s where Lucas unnecessarily chimes in: He’d like the world to know that he has DeMario’s back, a fact that only serves to make DeMario look worse in the eyes of pretty much everyone. As Jamey — who? — puts it, it’s the two worst people on the show “combining together.” However, DeMario’s retort wins the day: “Who are you? You’re irrelevant.” In the end, both guys have a point.

Dean chimes in to end the DeMario debate: “DeMo” is not a bad person. “He’s no Whaboom; he’s no Lee…” He’s just an idiot.

Then, just because he can, Lucas goes after Iggy and calls the guy a joke. Thankfully, Will is there to state the obvious to Lucas: “You literally cannot call anyone else on this stage a joke.” For the record, Will is still one of my faves.

And now, we can finally shift away from Lucas’ pathetic attempts to grab some screen time and focus on the real drama of the season: Kenny and Lee. And trust me, we’re going to focus on it for a WHILE.
(Next: Kenny’s in the hot seat)

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