It’s been a little more than two months since Ben’s season of The Bachelor ended, and for those of you looking for a new love story to follow, I’ve got good news: JoJo’s here, and by the end of night one, Santa Claus will be ruined for you. Not what you were expecting? Well, this show never is.
In case you forgot who JoJo was — or for some weird reason, didn’t watch Ben’s season of The Bachelor — the season kicks off with a quick highlight reel of all of JoJo’s worst moments. Remember when she wore a unicorn mask to meet a man? And then there was that CLASSIC moment when ABC tried to kill her with a helicopter. But the real kicker is watching Ben tell her that he loves her and will never blindside her … only to then blindside her by picking someone else.
So now that JoJo is thoroughly depressed, let’s help her find love, shall we?!
The good news is that JoJo is moving forward with her life. She learned from her relationship with Ben, and now she’s ready to get in a bikini and move on. However, I will say that she should stay away from the phrase, “I’m excited for whatever comes my way.” Because based on this show, half of what comes your way should cause you to run the other way.
Pulling up to the mansion, JoJo kicks off the season by asking for advice from the somewhat successful Bachelorettes of the past: Kaitlyn, Desiree, and Ali. Long story short, all of the women encourage JoJo to kiss men on night one. However, as far as regrets go, Kaitlyn has a big one, and his name is Nick. Hot tip for JoJo: Maybe don’t sleep with a guy in the middle of the show?
Ali also warns against lust (I’m still waiting for Roberto to be The Bachelor), and Desiree says to
stay away from anyone named Brooks keep an open mind.
But that’s enough sort-of helpful advice! Let’s get to the fellas! After Chris Harrison gives JoJo quite the intro — she’s smart, funny, gorgeous, and successful! Who knew a woman could be so many things?! — JoJo gets ready to meet the first limo.
Jordan, 27. The first guy out of the limo is none other than Aaron Rodgers’ little brother, Jordan. So far, what we know about him is that he played football but was not as good as his brother, he loves skinny jeans, he has better hair than his brother, and you could never tell he’s an athlete from the way he walks. But when he gets out of the limo, JoJo is IMPRESSED. Jordan says something about believing in the process because his parents are in love but honestly, it doesn’t matter. JoJo’s already giving this guy a rose.
First impression: We probably just met our MVP of the night. (Sorry.)
Derek, 29. Everyone, meet Derek. He’s a commercial banker who chose not to wear a tie tonight. But somehow, he manages to compliment JoJo on her “good sense of self,” and work the phrase “what’s really sexy to me” into the conversation, which is either sweet or way too forward.
First impression: Potentially normal, but avoid saying “sexy” for at least the first two minutes of a relationship.
Grant, 28. Grant’s a firefighter who realized at a young age that he liked helping people who were in a bad spot. He thinks that’s probably why he’s a firefighter. Heck, I’d go as far as to say it’s exactly why he’s a firefighter, but what do I know? Once out of the limo, Grant assures JoJo that he won’t fall in love with two girls. He won’t do what Ben did to her.
1) Obviously, there’s literally one woman on this show. 2) WAY TO OPEN OLD WOUNDS, DUDE.
First impression: He means well, but it’s not all there yet.
James F., 34. James F. owns a boxing club, and I’m really hoping his last name is “fighter” strictly for amusement purposes. He says something about coming to the show for a relationship and not a rose, and JoJo seems to buy it.
First impression: Not a TKO. (Not sorry for that one.)
NEXT: An angry Canadian and an angry American walk into a mansion…