I’m going to be honest with you guys. Not having the show on last week really threw me for a loop, and I completely forgot Alex existed. So imagine my surprise when that angry little man was not only still around, but still pretty angry. As for what else went down this week, I seriously hope none of you have a fear of horses or the word “front-runner,” because there was a lot of both.
We start things by leaving Buenos Aires behind — they finally kicked out JoJo for refusing to learn how to pronounce it — and heading to the (much more pronounceable) Argentinian countryside. But first, Chris Harrison stops by to
hit his weekly appearance quota to inform the guys JoJo is strong, independent, and smart, because otherwise, HOW WOULD THEY KNOW?!
After informing the guys there will be three one-on-one dates this week and one group date — with a rose only on the group date — Harrison leaves behind the first date card, which goes to the angry man in front: Alex. Considering they all have to travel to the countryside, Alex’s date is going to be a road trip with JoJo while the rest of the guys will be taking a bus. Except, by road trip they mean Alex and JoJo will hang out in the backseat of a Jeep while someone else drives. And by bus, they mean a private bus where the guys can spread out. So it’s really not at all what you’d expect.
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As Alex sees it, this one-on-one time isn’t about him falling for JoJo. It’s really about JoJo getting her chance to fall for him, because, how could she not?! I mean, the man is as selfless and kind as he is tall.
While the guys perform a rather impressive (and hilarious) rap about Alex, Alex spends the alone time (for which he’s been waiting all season) having thumb wars with JoJo. I wish that were a euphemism, but I mean it literally. And if you don’t believe me, just watch JoJo’s face as she starts to fall asleep.
Desperately trying to keep JoJo awake, the producers start feeding them both chips and Alex does his best to keep the conversation interesting. “Is that wheat?” he asks while looking out the window. I know what you’re thinking: It’s like Aaron Sorkin himself wrote this conversation.
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When conversation fails, Alex decides to impress JoJo with his freestyling skills. Here goes nothing, “Yo yo, JoJo, gots to go to the liquor sto,” he says, before revealing, “That’s like my go-to line.” After that, JoJo decides silence is better than whatever’s happening.
Finally arriving at an Argentinian ranch, Alex continues sharing his scintillating observations as he tells JoJo he likes “droopy trees.” With that, JoJo — who wore heels to a date WITH ALEX on a RANCH— shuts him up by forcing him to dress like a gaucho and then flirting with one of their guides.
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While the men enjoy eating mystery meat at a bus stop, JoJo fails miserably at getting up on a horse while Alex seems to have no problem. And after Alex and JoJo finally give up on trying to hold hands while riding two separate horses, they get to witness one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen: A gaucho bonding with his horse, and by that, I mean the man practically puts the horse to sleep before allowing JoJo and Alex to get in on the snuggling, despite the fact neither of them seems to know what “spooning” means.
Resting their heads on the horse’s neck, Alex proceeds to put his crotch in the horse’s face as he tries to make this very magical situation romantic. I’m only bummed no one’s there to hold a mirror up to him to remind him what he looks like in that hat. As he tells JoJo, “I’m your goocho.” Truer words have never been spoken.
As the guys arrive at their countryside accommodations, JoJo and Alex sit down to dinner, where she tells him, “I just feel like you had so much fun today.” Translation: I didn’t. After Alex tells her he’s falling in love with her, JoJo pulls the cord. Life lesson, friends: If you tell someone you love them and they don’t smile, it’s not great.
JoJo tells Alex she didn’t feel as excited as she’d hoped she would when he said those words to her, so she thinks it’s more respectful to just send him home now. Shockingly, Alex is moody about it, refusing to look JoJo in the eye during his entire walk out. (If only they’d made him keep on that gaucho costume, then just maybe he could’ve left with a bit of dignity.)
The next day, it’s Jordan’s turn to get his second one-on-one of the season. With his Converse on and his hair coiffed, he meets JoJo at their private jet. It seems the two of them are going to Mendoza for the day to do a bit of wine tasting.
After they pull an I Love Lucy and stomp some grapes, they decide to taste the “wine” they just made with their feet (completely negating the entire fermentation process that makes wine wine). In other words, JoJo essentially just licked Jordan’s feet, and someone, off-camera, is laughing at these two stupid Americans.
As Jordan and JoJo enjoy some time in a hot tub, Chase and Luke discuss what makes Jordan the front-runner. As far as Chase sees it, JoJo is looking for a “real guy” with a “real job” in a “real town.” How Jordan isn’t those things remains unclear.
Heading back inside, Chase and Luke are greeted with the next date card. It seems this week’s group date belongs to Chase, James, and Robby, which makes Luke the lucky guy to get the week’s final one-on-one. Chase can’t imagine what JoJo wants to do with Luke that she doesn’t want to do with him, but we all know what that is. *wink*
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During the evening portion of her date with Jordan — where Jordan mistakenly thinks they’re actually going to eat – JoJo gives us this sound bite: “I tasted your feet today.” (Can you even imagine what Tanner P. would’ve done on this date?!)
When she asks Jordan how he’s feeling about hometowns, he opens up about his brother situation. It seems he’s very close with his oldest brother, Luke, but when it comes to Aaron, they don’t talk. After telling JoJo that Aaron won’t be there when they go home, Jordan simply says Aaron chose to live life one way, and Jordan chose to stay close to his family.
Jordan explains his struggle growing up and always being compared to Aaron. “Football didn’t define me,” he says before opening up to JoJo about how much he cares for her. “I am so in love with you,” he tells her, as the smile that was missing from her conversation with Alex flashes across her face. Jordan doesn’t get a rose — because there isn’t one — but JoJo assures him: “That makes me so happy.” Then they make out.
The next day, the group date has to be tweaked thanks to some rain, so JoJo plans what she describes as the “perfect slumber party” in a hotel suite. And apparently, the perfect slumber party involves James stuffing 25 french fries into his mouth, a massage train, a game of Pictionary — during which JoJo draws stick-figure Chad with the perfect bicep — and Truth or Dare, during which Robby runs down the halls in his underwear.
Feeling like things aren’t going quite his way, James Taylor decides to shake things up by calling Robby out on his “wandering eye.” It seems Robby likes himself some Argentinian women. (Let’s all remember Robby getting handsy while dancing the tango with a stranger not too long ago.)
James and JoJo team up on Robby, but when it comes time to really talk, Robby has more important things on his mind. Sitting with JoJo, he reveals his family didn’t like his last girlfriend because she was the worst. Oh, and they only broke up four and a half months ago…after nearly four years of dating. So yeah, he’s totally ready to move on and not at all lying to your face, JoJo.
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Then there’s Chase, who can’t seem to bring himself to say the “L” word but can tell JoJo, “I do want to spend the rest of my life with you.” And finally, we have dear, dear James, who worries JoJo has a stronger physical relationship with the other men. But all she says is she finds strength in their emotional connection. So yeah, you’re right about the physical thing.
Regardless, James — whose father is also named James Taylor, because what did you expect? — tells JoJo he’s in the process of falling for her, which earns him a kiss. And after James has a heated talk with Robby about whether it’s okay to not consider yourself the front-runner, JoJo returns to give the date rose to Robby, leaving James so shaken that he drops his glass.
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The next day, it’s back to the ranch for JoJo, but this time, she’s bringing along an expert: Luke. (Fun fact about Luke: The more important the date, the skinnier his jeans.) After JoJo assures us all that Luke IS smart, the two of them ride horses and enjoy a Richard Gere-Julia Roberts moment all their own (or a Wedding Planner moment, depending on your preference).
Then, JoJo decides to take the romance to the next level…with skeet shooting. Because nothing’s sexier than a man who hates clay.
Talking afterward, Luke assures JoJo that not only is he ready to take her home, but he’s also ready to figure out the rest of life with her by his side. For him, it’s not about where he lives; it’s about making life choices with the person you love. And with one of those magical Luke kisses, JoJo knows what she has to do. So not only does Luke get his date cut short, but JoJo also eliminates the cocktail party. We’re heading straight to the rose ceremony!
At the rose ceremony, JoJo gives roses to Luke, Jordan, and Chase, thereby eliminating James and confirming what we all suspected: This week did not need to happen. JoJo seriously could’ve let James and Alex go last week and saved us all the time.
That being said, James’ goodbye is genuinely sad. Not only does Luke say “I love you” to him, but he and JoJo are both very upset at their goodbye. James walks away knowing the “best girl in the whole world” thinks highly of him as JoJo promises, “I never wanted to hurt you.” With one final hug, all I have to say is: I’M NOT CRYING; YOU’RE CRYING.
So that’s it, guys. We’ve made it through another week and we’re heading straight into hometowns. I wonder who the front-runner is…
If you all need me, I’ll be scheduling a trip to Argentina to spoon with a horse.