From Uruguay to Buenos Aires, we continue our tour of places no one can seem to pronounce. This week, JoJo takes the guys to Argentina, where she will take two of them on this season’s record-setting second two-on-one date, and also, the place where JoJo discovers that draping a jacket over your shoulders is a fun fashion thing.
Arriving in Argentina in full cocktail-party attire, JoJo heads out to meet up with Chris Harrison — clearly, the producers realized they need to actually show his face a little this season — on a park bench. With both of them dressed to the nines, Chris reminds her she’s about at the halfway point of the season before they discuss the irony of JoJo potentially falling in love with two people. (Although, the real irony would be her saying “I love you” to two people.)
Elsewhere, the producers are forcing the guys to yell “Hola JoJo” at thin air before they meet up with Chris Harrison at the hotel suite. There, he informs them the week will consist of a one-on-one date, a group date, and a second two-on-one. Again, a record-setting second two-on-one. IT’S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE. Got it?
Also, fun fact: Someone in this group of men thinks “no mas” means “no good.”
On his way out, Chris leaves behind the first date card of the week, and it seems our very own Seth Cohen, Wells, is going to get his first one-on-one of the season. The bad news is JoJo’s a very blunt human, so when she makes the date card read, “Bésame. Bésame, muchacho,” she makes it quite obvious that she wants Wells to buck up and kiss her. (Also, I think she meant “bésame mucho.” Or else she’s real serious and telling Wells, “KISS ME, BOY!”)
Unable to hide, well, anything, Wells quickly tells the guys they haven’t kissed yet, which of course they have a field day with, acting as if it’s so weird that he hasn’t kissed a woman who’s currently dating a handful of other guys. Getting ready for the date, Wells puts on his trusty leather jacket to try to look a bit more confident, though when JoJo arrives, Luke asks, “Are you guys gonna kiss today?” And at that point, no leather jacket could save Wells.
JoJo, not-so-amused by the men giving Wells a hard time, takes Wells away. Walking through a market, he buys her a bracelet before heading to Fuerza Bruta, a piece of performance art that means brute force. Walking into a black theater, Wells feels like he might have the perfect moment on his hands to kiss JoJo…until a bunch of half-naked people start swimming overhead. You know what they say: There’s nothing like a floating pool filled with strangers to kiss-block you.
After Fabio, the show’s artistic director, puts them through a few drills to give them a taste of what it’s like to perform in the show, JoJo and Wells find themselves in the suspended pool. “This is it. Do or die,” Wells says, psyching himself up. Half-naked and covered in water, Wells takes the moment and kisses JoJo…as both of them lie on their stomachs. So it’s not exactly the least-awkward kiss, but hey, the water thing once worked for Seth Cohen.
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Altogether, the cutest part of this might be JoJo yelling, “That was the moment, Wells! That was the moment! We did it!” It’s equally adorable and hard to watch as we’re basically watching Wells descend into the friend zone. Because let’s face it: Being a cheerleader is only sexy in high school (if even then).
For the evening portion of the date, JoJo — once again rocking that coat over her shoulders — takes Wells to an old mansion where there’s apparently no air conditioning? (The producers really weren’t looking to help Wells at all on this one.)
NEXT: Can Wells break out of the friend zone?
Over dinner, Wells admits he’d been skeptical of the show, but after today, something changed for him. As he puts it, he now feels a little tingle in his heart. However, when he admits his last relationship ended because they were just friends, it resonates a little too easily with JoJo. And by the time she calls him “intriguing,” it’s evident they’re doomed.
JoJo informs him she’s looking for a fairy-tale kind of love, and considering Wells is a natural-born skeptic, it’s painfully obvious this isn’t the start of an epic romance. So grabbing the rose, JoJo tells Wells she can’t bring herself to give it to him. Instead, she walks him out and he wishes her the best.
As Wells rides away in the Depression Mobile, JoJo is forced to walk cobblestone streets in her heels before returning to Fuerza Bruta. Clearly the producers didn’t meet their contract quota with the show just yet, because no one would think to send JoJo to a rave post-breakup. By the time the show ends, it’s raining indoors, and all I can think is THIS would’ve been the perfect moment for their first kiss.
It’s official: Wells was sabotaged, and I think the only way the show can make it up to him is to have him be the next Bachelor. There, I said it.
Back at the suite, the group date card arrives for Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex, which leaves Derek and Chase for the two-on-one. For the group date, JoJo takes the guys to La Boca, a district that supposedly embodies everything Buenos Aires — which she still cannot pronounce — has to offer.
Walking with the guys, James isn’t feeling the most confident. Looking around, he feels like maybe he’s not worthy of hanging with these “really cool dudes,” to which I’d just like to point out that Alex is wearing a zip-up hoodie…on a date. So yeah, I’d say you’re fine, James.
After JoJo confirms everything the locals think about Americans by yelling, “These are my boyfriends, all of them,” the guys spend a little time learning to tango before they land at a soccer game, where once again, James feels inferior. But when it comes time to take penalty kicks in the hopes of getting a kiss from JoJo, James is the only one who can get the job done. And based on form, I’d say Luke should be most embarrassed.
Just like that, James has boarded the train heading to “I-love-JoJo-ville,” where I hear it’s beautiful this time of year.
Heading into the evening, one thing is evident: Somewhere along the way, this entire group went shopping for leather jackets. Maybe there was a discount store in Uruguay, I’m not really sure. But after Wells rocked his, JoJo, Luke, and Jordan all show up to the group date in theirs. And if you ask me, JoJo likes Luke’s the most. (And by like, I mean she wants to remove it.)
Sitting with Luke, JoJo cannot handle their passion. She also can’t control her hand placement. I see you, JoJo!
NEXT: James warns JoJo about Jordan (and other “J” words)
After Luke talks about how the two of them should plan a trip back here in a few years, JoJo slips him a bit of tongue for arguably the hottest makeout session of the season. As JoJo puts it, “I’m running out of words to describe the level of passion that is Luke and me together.” I can think of two: fantasy suite.
From one spark to another, James uses his time with JoJo to tell her Jordan is a bad sport, essentially. According to James, the two were playing cards and when James tried to introduce a rule, Jordan wouldn’t let him, and in that instant, James realized just how entitled Jordan Rodgers is with his “celebrity” factor.
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JoJo then quickly grabs Jordan and asks him about poker. Again, let me emphasize we’re talking about a card game. What’s next? Robby didn’t pass go but still tried to collect $200?!
Sitting with JoJo, Jordan can’t seem to wrap his head around how he could seem “entitled” based on a conversation about the rules of poker. (He actually doesn’t seem to know what it means to act “entitled,” but he knows he’s NOT entitled, so there’s that.)
By the time Jordan rejoins the guys, he’s so mad he can’t stop swirling his wine in its glass. It might not sound like much, but trust me, the wine was feeling it, so much so that I’m willing to bet the next big blockbuster will feature an evil villain who swirls wine instead of petting a cat. You can quote me on that. (The lesson? There is no intimidating way to drink wine.)
When Jordan asks James if his name came up in James’ chat with JoJo, James quickly says yes. But for Jordan, the thing he can’t let go of is the fact that James used the word “entitled.” Jordan personally thinks it’s pathetic when someone brings up another man’s name in a conversation with JoJo, but I think the big takeaway from this moment is that JOJO IS OFF WITH LUKE SANS CAMERAS. What do you wanna bet he’s no longer wearing that leather jacket?!
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By the time JoJo and Luke return, they’re greeted by a tiny loveseat that attempts to hold both of them AND James. JoJo then gives the date rose to Luke, which leads me to ask, again, what happened off-camera?!
The next day, heading into the two-on-one date, Derek claims he’s feeling confident, but it’s Chase who doesn’t even feel the need to wear a jacket…whatever that means. And because two-on-one dates aren’t awkward enough on their own, this one consists of Derek, JoJo, and Chase performing a tango about a woman who’s torn between two (lifeless) men.
Despite his dead eyes, Derek claims dancing is about “feeling life and not talking about life,” and quite honestly, he thinks he and JoJo are enjoying a rather passionate connection. (Great things happen when you really let yourself feel life, you know?)
Meanwhile, Chase seems to simply be enduring what has to be the world’s longest and most boring dance. At this point, the instructor has turned into nothing more than a hype woman, yelling “yes!” at JoJo as she slowly walks back and forth between two men.
NEXT: The two-on-one date rose goes to…
Eleven hours later, it’s time for the three of them to sit down to dinner, where they’re joined by JoJo’s true love: that coat, once again resting on her shoulders.
Pulling Derek aside first, JoJo thanks him for the passion he showed today, which is code for: I didn’t feel it back. Derek, feeling as if he has “everything to gain and nothing to lose by being open with JoJo tonight” — despite the fact that he could literally lose JoJo — tells her he’s “absolutely” falling for her. Her response? “I appreciate that.” [Let’s have a moment of silence for all of Derek’s dreams.]
Next up, JoJo calls out Chase on the fact that he hasn’t given her the kind of validation she needs from him. Based on their connection so far, she’s worried she likes him more than he likes her. Chase, dumbfounded on what to do, doesn’t seem to realize he could validate JoJo NOW — but once she points him in the right direction, he assures her that he wants his future to involve her and that he intends to leave here with her.
Just like that, Chase gets the date rose, leaving Derek to enjoy his evening in the Depression Mobile. And in a moment that should earn an award for the producers of this show, Chase and JoJo get a private concert of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” as Derek cries alone in a car while repeatedly telling himself to stop. It seems he will cry for you, Argentina.
The next night at the cocktail party, with Luke and Chase both safe, Jordan pulls JoJo aside and finally opens up. He tells her he does want to be engaged at the end of all this and he thinks he and JoJo can get there. He admits he is falling in love with JoJo and wants her to be the person at the end of this that he gets to “do life with.” Once he promises not to let her down, she gives in. (Much like Stanley and Stella Kowalski, they can probably have a happy life together if they simply avoid playing poker.)
Then there’s Alex, who’s not feeling too confident considering he’s the only guy who still hasn’t had a one-on-one, but JoJo assures him they need more time. She tells him not to feel like he’s behind the other guys, to which he responds, “It’s whatever” before he attacks her face.
Making the most of his time, James then tells JoJo he is “getting there” with her before he gets the best kiss of his time on the show.
And with that, Harrison interrupts. At the rose ceremony, JoJo hands roses to Robby and Jordan before heading outside for a breather. It’s down to Alex and James, and JoJo tells Harrison she can’t hand out the final rose. But just as JoJo relays that same message to the guys, Harrison appears with two more roses on a silver platter. Yep, all six men are sticking around for another week and James is over the moon! Alex, however, isn’t a fan of receiving a pity rose, a fact we know all too well.
Unlike Alex, I’m excited to see you all next week. If you need me between now and then, I’ll be updating my dating app to include the requirement that eligible men must know how to spell “margherita.” (And also make a margarita.)