Well guys, we did it. We made it through a week without The Bachelorette, and now, we finally get to find out what happens when you poke the Chad bear. Spoiler alert: He gives you a firm handshake before heading home to sell luxury real estate and pack his bags for Bachelor in Paradise.
We pick up just as the guys are toasting to a Chad-less existence and remembering the man Wells calls “arguably the worst person anyone has ever met.” (Somewhere, Jeffrey Dahmer is pissed that his title’s been taken.)
Giving Chad a memorial, the guys each take a handful of his protein powder and throw it into the Pennsylvania wilderness, no doubt causing a number of small creatures to increase their muscle mass.
Punting the (perfectly nice) jar into the woods, Wells says, “Death to tyrants,” continuing with the tyrant comparisons for Chad. But like all great tyrants, Chad doesn’t go down without a fight. So when he knocks on the door, it’s Daniel who answers. I’d say there’s a 70-percent chance Daniel’s genuinely oblivious when he asks Chad, “How was your date?”
Chad tells the guys how Alex outed him to JoJo before explaining that when he’s backed into a corner, “sometimes you have to do things that aren’t pretty.” Jordan tries to calm Chad down with an apology, but all he does is become the subject of Chad’s ire. Chad discloses that when he’s attacked, his only answer is to get physical — though as Wells tells him, another great option is to simply say “whatever.”
But “whatever” is not in Chad’s extensive vocabulary. Instead, he decides Jordan is the problem. When Jordan shakes Chad’s hand, Chad grips it like he’s The Rock in Fast & Furious 6, but at this point, the guys are done with Chad’s intimidation tactics.
While Daniel stands in the back eating, still unsure of what’s going on and clearly wondering how the date went, Evan steps forward and asks Chad for his shirt money. Chad, however, is shocked Evan is so poor considering he owns what I can only assume Chad called “dick companies.” But as Jordan leads all the men away from the drama, Chad twirls his way out. It’s a full moon, so clearly he has to go turn into a werewolf now.
By the time Alex returns to the suite, the guys pick him up and chant “dragon slayer,” clearly mixing up their many metaphors for Chad. They then decide it’s a good idea to light sparklers indoors before they forget their earlier incantation and start a new one, yelling “slayer of the dragon” at Alex. (The chants get wordier the drunker they get.)
With Chad gone, it’s time for the cocktail party, where Chase first tries to suffocate JoJo by squeezing both of them into a Knocker Ball before Robby takes her outside to make a wish in the fountain, during which he talks repeatedly about how he can’t tell her about his wish before he tells her that he wished they’d end up engaged. (I’m thinking JoJo wished his voice was just one octave lower.)
Inside, tension grows between the guys with roses and the guys without roses. Example A: Just as James F. reads JoJo a poem he wrote her, Alex (a rose holder!) steals her away before she can even fully thank him.
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Then there’s Luke, who steals JoJo from a rose-less Daniel. But Luke has important things to say. After he tells JoJo he’s falling for her, he explains, “My heart beats a lot faster when I’m with you,” and despite the fact that he just lied to her face, JoJo loves it.
NEXT: Rose ceremony No. 1