I’d like to tell you all a story: It’s a story about a young boy named Brian, who dreamt of growing up and sculpting the perfect bicep. Somewhere along the way he decided to go by his equally common middle name, Chad, and become the kind of guy who thinks of life scenarios as if they’re protein shakes. Now, Chad’s a man, and he’s never lost sight of his goal. To this day, he works tirelessly so that one day, he will be able to do a pull-up holding his own body weight, and only then will he have achieved success.
The bad news for Chad? Creating the perfect bicep can come at a cost, and turns out, there are a lot of men who don’t like roid rage as much as he does, so when Chris Harrison tells him to settle things with the guys, he instead threatens to sever their limbs. Yet somehow, by the time Chad reaches the house, he realizes his wrongdoing.
Working up the courage to apologize, Chad sweetly tells Derek, “You’re a good guy, I’m sure, probably.” He then tells Evan to leave him alone and they’ll be good. So obviously this guy studied apologizing in college.
When Evan requests a real apology and a new shirt, Chad offers him $20 — a smack in the face to that burgundy T-shirt, if you ask me — and once again defends his actions by claiming that Evan pushed him first. And when it’s clear no good is going to come out of this conversation, Wells steps in to explain things to Chad, second-smallest-guy-in-the-house to biggest-guy-in-the-house. As Wells tells him, the issue is that people feel uneasy in a space where they should feel comfortable.
And when Chad can’t seem to understand how that’s his problem, James T. is there to settle things: If everyone leaves Chad alone, he will return the favor. Now can we have a pool party … please?
By the time JoJo arrives, she’s ready to leave the drama behind and enjoy a day full of abs. What she isn’t prepared for is blood. No, Chad doesn’t punch anyone. It’s just Evan being Evan and getting a bloody nose after diving into the pool. Suddenly, I feel like we’re getting an all-too-real glimpse at Evan’s childhood.
As Chad puts it, “Apparently Evan just bleeds thinking about me.” (If Chad’s major was apologizing, his minor was definitely biology.)
Pulling Jordan aside, JoJo is all about getting some one-on-one time with her favorite football player. But there’s one thing that bothers JoJo about Jordan. He’s almost too smooth, which makes her worry that it’s too good to be true. He promises her that it’s all very genuine and she gives it up for now so that she can go splash some water on Daniel and cause him to have a mild heart attack.
Then there’s Robby, who claims everything is happening so fast, and Chad, who’s back to eating by the pool. At least until JoJo pulls him away and says what we’re all thinking: “Man, you’re lathered up.” If we listed Chad’s top five favorite things in life, they would be…
2. Protein shakes
3. Lunch meats
5. Sweet potatoes
When JoJo recalls how she was mad at Chad on the group date for disrespecting her decision to give Evan the rose, he tries to explain himself. Key word: tries. In his words, if JoJo likes Evan, there’s no place for him because they’re at opposite ends of the universal man spectrum. It’s like figuring out what restaurant you want to eat at, you know? Do you want ice cream or steak?
So, in this scenario, are ice cream and steak two opposite ends of a spectrum? And which one is Chad?
NEXT: Chad vs. Derek
At this point, Evan cuts in to get some time with JoJo and, naturally, Chad is pissed. This is taking him back to ninth grade, seemingly the last time he floated on a swan and fought for a girl? Looking around the house, Chad is not impressed with his competition. There’s Evan, the “bleeding crying sensitive guy with kids.” Then there’s Derek, “scared of people sensitive guy.” And let’s not forget Chase, who’s back to doing yoga with JoJo, which screams nothing if not “sensitive.”
But it’s sensitive guy number two who really gets under Chad’s skin when Derek tells JoJo that he moved rooms because he wasn’t feeling safe around Chad. Derek also catches her up on the fact that they now have security guards roaming the premises in case Chad’s head explodes.
So after Chad takes his anger out on the flamingo float — clearly he prefers the swan — he asks to speak to Derek. “Whatever guy stole your girlfriend or whatever, it wasn’t me,” Chad helpfully explains to him, asking that Derek stop trying to sabotage him. And when Chad asks Derek if he’s afraid, he very honestly says yes. Chad is unpredictable and Derek, quite frankly, thinks he’s here to get in front of the cameras.
My favorite part of this conversation has to be Chad accusing Derek of stalking JoJo because he watched Ben’s season of The Bachelor. Did Chad? To quote him: “I work, I don’t watch the show.” Cool, good excuse, dude.
Chad ends things by asking Derek not to talk about him, to which he tells Chad, “If she asks, I will tell her that you asked me to say that.” And this round goes to Derek!
At the rose ceremony — where Evan, Chase, and James T. are already safe — JoJo gives roses to a jacket-less Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F., Vinny, Daniel, Alex, and Chad. That means Christian, Ali, and Nick are done for the season.
From here on out, JoJo tells the guys that she wants to leave the drama behind. And with that in mind, she’s getting them all out of Los Angeles! Instead, they’re going somewhere new. They’re headed to……
PENNSYLVANIA! Because if anything screams romance, it’s the home of the Liberty Bell and, wait for it, the birthplace of the Declaration of Independence! I mean, talk about setting the mood.
After the guys go mudding in their Jeeps — romance, right? — they arrive at their hotel just in time for Luke to get the first one-on-one date of the week! And in keeping with the super romantic theme of “Pennsylvania,” he and JoJo spend the day on a dog-sledding tour? Look, I love Balto as much as the next girl, but who goes to Pennsylvania to go on a dog-sledding tour?
All that aside, JoJo and Luke eventually make it to their date’s real location: a woodfire hot tub in the middle of the woods. After Luke chops a bit of wood to fuel the tub, JoJo tells him to strip down. In a highly relatable moment, JoJo admits, “Let’s be honest, I really just want to see Luke take his shirt off.” The verdict? She thinks he’s in “impeccable” shape.
However, Luke isn’t the hottest thing on the date. When JoJo tries to put her foot in the water, it seems they got a little carried away with the wood. And yet, Luke has no problem stepping inside. And ever the gentleman, he holds JoJo above the water until she’s able to adjust. As he puts it, “Sometimes, hot tubs are too hot.” So wise, Luke.
Once the two get to talking, JoJo once again brings up the idea that this situation could be too good to be true, but at this point, there’s still a lot she doesn’t know about Luke. You know, because this is their first real date and everything. He gives her a quick rundown of his favorite cities — Nashville and Austin — and JoJo agrees that they’re both highly livable. (Riveting stuff, huh?)
NEXT: Who’s ready for a two-on-one date?!
Back at the hotel, Chad is lounging by his own hot tub, feeling confident in his relationship with JoJo and hoping that the guys won’t “poke the Chad bear.” This is the part where the producers cut between Chad’s speech and footage of an actual bear to up the danger factor. As Chad puts it, “The day when I hit that door, if that would’ve been somebody’s head, it would’ve exploded.” Again, Chad’s biology minor showing through.
When the week’s second date card arrives, it lists Derek, James T., Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby. And you know what that means! Alex and Chad are going on a two-on-one and we are all #blessed because of it. As far as Alex is concerned, this date will be good versus evil. But from Chad’s perspective, it’s more of a grown-man-versus-angry-child scenario. Either way, it’s for America, according to Jordan.
Back on her date with Luke, JoJo is a little obsessed with his “relaxed confidence,” and channeling her inner investigative journalist, she asks, “How are you like that?” Luke then tells her about growing up in Texas, playing football at West Point, and serving in Afghanistan, where he lost one of his closest friends. Learning to appreciate life is what he claims gives him that confidence.
According to Luke, the best moments in life are the ones that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up, much like the moment when he gets to “look in your eyes and know that your eyes are the eyes that I could be looking into for the rest of my life.” So maybe he’s not the most succinct speaker, but he’s sweet, so JoJo gives him the rose.
She then takes him to the final surprise of the night: another concert! Only, this time, instead of making a handful of people watch JoJo makeout with her man of choice, an audience of hundreds gets to listen to Dan + Shay while JoJo and Luke kiss. I know what you’re thinking: If they’re in a crowd of hundreds, it’s less awkward, because nobody has to watch! That would be true … if Luke and JoJo weren’t standing on a platform IN FRONT OF THE BAND. Hey, this show knows its priorities.
The next day, the group date takes the guys to Heinz Field, where they get to meet football players Hines Ward, Brett Keisel, and notorious gentleman Ben Roethlisberger. Again, Pennsylvania is really bringing the romance.
After learning that Wells watches football, the guys run through some drills while JoJo
is forced to talk to talks to Ben about some of her favorites. They discuss Chase, James “nicest man you’ll ever meet in your life” Taylor, and Jordan, the former football player who now goes by “nice hair.” JoJo also asks Ben to watch out for Evan, who appears to have thrown his hip out when getting into stance.
Of course, it takes no time for someone to get injured, and sadly, it’s James T., who takes a head to, well, his head. He splits his eye open and needs stitches, but he’s not about to miss the rest of this date. As far as he’s concerned, they can wrap him up and he can finish this date out before he has to get any stitches. And with that, Hines Ward — who has viewing parties for this show, by the way – is officially on Team James.
For the rest of the date, the guys are going to play one another, and the winning team will get to spend the evening with JoJo. So with Jordan acting as the all-time quarterback — meaning he plays with both teams [Insert joke here]— the guys are divided.
On the blue team is Derek, Vinny, James T., Evan, and Robby, the clear underdogs. Then there’s James F., Daniel, Chase, Wells, and Grant on the white team. But if you think you know what’s about to happen, you have no idea. Because this game is all about the rise of the little guys.
First, Wells proves that he’s a stud at wide receiver, and even Evan catches a pass! Sure, he ruins it by saying that he spells win “E-V-A-N,” but let’s cut him a break. His second bloody nose of the night is punishment enough.
With one minute left on the clock, the game is tied at 28-28 when Wells has the opportunity to bring it home for the white team. But it’s Derek who decides to grab the ball out of Wells’ hands and run it back for a touchdown, meaning that the blue team has somehow won this game. As Evan puts it, “I killed it.” Sure you did, guy. Good for you!
NEXT: Robby makes his move
While the white team prepares to head back home, poor Luke is literally caught between Chad and Alex. When Luke asks what Chad thinks it was that created a divide between him and everyone else, Chad decides it was the fact that, unlike 25 other people, Chad was “trying to be real.” Speaking to his anger, Chad very simply states, “The only way I know to get you to shut your mouth is to hit you in it.” So obviously the reason certain guys don’t like Chad is his tendency to “be real,” right?
On the date, JoJo chats with Robby, who is the first to admit that he’s falling for her. Even without having had much time together, he feels a connection there, and that means he knows what he has to do next: He has to impress JoJo with his super smooth moves. After he picks her up and puts her on a pool table, he goes in for the kiss, but JoJo destroys the moment by calling out the fact that he’s inhaling her hair.
Then there’s Jordan, whom JoJo is still having a hard time reading. He’s not as vocal about his feelings, and that makes her nervous. But, don’t worry. Jordan’s not actually shy. He just likes to wait until he has an appropriately romantic background to confess things. The instant he and JoJo step in front of a water fountain, he tells her that he sees her as “somebody that I can fall in love with,” and it’s exactly what JoJo needs to hear.
Meanwhile, did James ever get stitches?!
Back inside, JoJo gives the date rose to Jordan, which just proves that Robby needs to mess up that coif of his just a touch if he wants a real chance at JoJo’s heart.
At the hotel, the date card for the two-on-one arrives, which prompts Luke to ask Chad why he thinks JoJo might send him home. But the instant Chad gives a “two-word answer,” Grant voices his frustration with Chad Bear’s inability to say how he feels.
The moment Chad asks who has a problem with him, multiple hands go up, including Grant, Alex, and Chase. And to those guys, Chad would like to request that they stop talking to him and stop asking him for advice. I, on the other hand, would like to know who here previously asked Chad for advice and did it involve protein shakes?
Chad then asks Alex if he’d like to go outside and fight before Grant chimes in again on how little Chad says — Grant really has a deep passion for the English language — and instantly, Chad invites GRANT to go outside and fight.
But when Wells chimes in as the “mouth of reason,” Chad gets up and leaves the room. (So do we think Chad’s secretly the most intimidated by Wells and Evan, the smallest guys?)
You know what? It doesn’t matter, because we’ve made it. Welcome to this season’s two-on-one date, the battle of good vs. evil. But before we send Alex and Chad off into the wilderness, we have to poke the Chad Bear to make sure this day is worth it. And the second Chad listens in on the guy’s conversation and Jordan gives him a little attitude, Chad tells Jordan, “You think this is a show” — brief pause for me to say that this quite literally is a show — “and you think you’re safe for now, but one day this ends. And when this ends, you go home. And when you go home, you think I can’t find you?” Well, if Jordan thought that, he’d be wrong. Rest assured Chad — who doesn’t have time to watch TV because he works so much — will go out of his way to find Jordan … and kill him? Threaten to bench press him? Pour oil on him?
Whatever it is, Chad promises Jordan should be scared. And with Chad’s threat in one pocket and his American flag socks in another, Alex goes into the two-on-one date fully prepared to bring JoJo up to speed.
After a quick hike in which SOMEONE GAVE CHAD A MACHETE? Honestly, who here thought, “This guy is clearly on something. He has proven to have rage issues, and he’s on a date with the guy he hates most … I KNOW, LET’S ARM HIM.”
To keep things fair, Alex is given a hatchet, but at the end of the day, Alex’s words are his greatest weapon. (Like what I did there?)
NEXT: The end of Chad … or is it?
After Chad bores JoJo with stories of floating on rivers in Oklahoma, she pulls Alex aside so that he can tell her all about Chad. But Chad’s not worried about Alex going first because, “Nobody ever buys the first house they look at,” he says. Actually, a lot of people buy the first house they look at. And also, this is not the first date JoJo’s been on, dude. This isn’t even the first date YOU have been on.
Leaving Chad and his tiny legs to think about his actions, Alex informs JoJo that Chad did the unthinkable today … he threatened Jordan. “JORDAN?!” JoJo says, realizing that Chad has crossed a line. He’s messed with JoJo’s beau.
Just like that, she pulls Chad aside and tells him that she gave him a second chance last week when she asked him to leave all the drama behind. So what is this she hears about Chad threatening Jordan?
Chad claims that Jordan “pushed” him, but he really doesn’t see the problem considering he hasn’t touched anyone. JoJo points out that he threatened to beat people up, but don’t worry, Chad has an explanation. It was so that people would be quiet. That’s the ONLY reason he’ll beat anyone up. Then he says this: “If you have a better way I would love to hear it.” How about talking? Texting? Literally anything other than violence?
Knowing enough, JoJo decides to take some time to think. She struggles with the fact that Chad’s mother died only six months ago and tries to give him some slack in case he’s struggling. But then things take a turn.
When Chad — and the world’s scariest whistle — head back to camp, I’m half-convinced that he’s going to get out his machete when he tells Alex that he’s not very happy with him. But as he puts it, “Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes, you know what I mean?” No. I really don’t.
After Chad and Alex debate the deliciousness of milk, we get this classic exchange:
Alex: “Hay’s in the barn, dude.”
Chad: “Pigs are in the castle.”
I have no words.
When JoJo returns, she asks Chad if he’s threatened anyone in the house, to which he says, “It’s not 100 percent false.” Sure, he might’ve said something he shouldn’t have, but he was backed into a corner and saw no other option. And with that statement, JoJo grabs the rose and explains that Chad is not the guy he says he is. Furthermore, resorting to violence is unacceptable and she doesn’t want to be with someone who thinks physical violence is a way to solve things. So instead, she gives Alex the rose and leaves Chad in the woods to fend for himself.
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While the guys celebrate Chad’s demise, Alex gets a little alone time to celebrate with JoJo, but let’s be real, nobody here thought Chad would go down without a fight.
So after walking through the woods and whistling some more, Chad shows up at the guys’ suite … and knocks on the front door. CAN SOMEONE ACCOUNT FOR THE MACHETE?!
Somehow, we’re going to have to wait two weeks to find out what becomes of Chad, but know this: There will be veins. If you need me before then, I’ll be in Pennsylvania. I hear their dog-sledding is excellent.