The Bachelor/Bachelorette has taught me many things about life: A lot of adults are unemployed. The vast majority of the population is really bad at first impressions. Onions and pomegranates look alike (to some). And most recently, steroids are bad. (Who knew?!) This week’s episode is an explanation as to why…
We start by basking in the aftermath of last week’s rose ceremony, which left the mansion looking its worst. The front entrance is covered in toilet paper, and the rest of the house is covered in Chad’s meats, which is not a euphemism. As Evan sums everything up for us: Good guys went home so that Chad could stay, and that doesn’t sit well with Evan. In fact, he’s so thrown that he’s under the false belief that he can pull off that black tank top.
Outside, Chad and Daniel are exploring their shared passion… for working out. Chad explains that his goal in life is to be able to do pull-ups while holding his own body weight. And as aspirational as that life goal is, I personally think learning basic mathematics might be a more useful goal. Because if Chad thinks that 240 plus 280 equals 550, which “basically means 600,” it’s safe to say he shouldn’t do his own taxes. Also, with those addition skills, how many calories do we think he actually ate the other night?
Just as Daniel and Chad are starting to really feel their tendons, Harrison shows up to interrupt the sun bathing (of fully dressed men). Harrison explains that there will be three dates this week: one group date and two one-on-one dates.
And the first date card says Chase is going to get some alone time with JoJo! Chad thinks it should’ve been his name on the card, but he’s not worried, “because we’re killing it together.” His definition of killing it? “We’re kissing, we’re flowing, everything’s great.” Don’t you love it when you just flow with somebody?
So as Harrison cleans up the toilet paper all by his lonesome, Chase heads out to meet up with JoJo for a Bachelorette staple: The yoga-centric first date that forces two people who just met to get intimate in ways that leave everyone feeling uncomfortable. Because nothing says “nice to meet you” like straddling someone who’s half-naked!
After JoJo and Chase change into their yoga clothes — which is to say strip out of their clothes — they meet their yoga teacher. The first exercise? Pelvic thrusts with a grunt, followed by an “anger-gasm,” which is an awkward way to explain the even more awkward action of throwing a fit like a toddler.
And then we get this soundbite from JoJo: “I can confidently say this is the first time I’ve mounted a guy on a first date.” If nothing else, we always learn a lot on these dates.
In their final exercise, Chase and JoJo are left to touch foreheads as she straddles him and the two learn to breathe together. But the second they’re left unsupervised, Chase goes in for this kiss, which I’m pretty sure isn’t allowed. But you know what they say: The couple that yab-yums together…
Back at the house, Chad and Daniel are in various states of exercise: Chad is lifting, Chad is watching Daniel lift — a little too closely? — and in my favorite cutaway, Evan is working hard to get his squats in. I will say this: Someone really needs to help Daniel on that deadlift form, because there’s no need for all of what’s happening there.
For the evening portion of Chase’s date, he’s focused on making sure JoJo remembers their, er, connection, but she promises there’s no way she could forget it. After JoJo emphasizes how important it is for her to feel safe — foreshadowing things to come — Chase explains that his parents got a divorce, and that experience made him want to get married once and only once. (Has anyone ever said, “I WANT to get married more than once?”)
Yet, at the first mention of the sanctity of marriage, Chase gets himself a rose. But of course, a dinner is not complete until all the food is left untouched on the table and the couple gets a private concert. This time, Charles Kelley is the lucky guy who gets to watch JoJo and Chase make out while he awkwardly tries to pretend he doesn’t mind because they’re falling in love. This is only topped by the moment JoJo screams, “Thank you!” at Charles Kelley, who’s roughly five feet from her.
NEXT: Chad vs. everyone else, part 1