The Bachelor/Bachelorette has taught me many things about life: A lot of adults are unemployed. The vast majority of the population is really bad at first impressions. Onions and pomegranates look alike (to some). And most recently, steroids are bad. (Who knew?!) This week’s episode is an explanation as to why…
We start by basking in the aftermath of last week’s rose ceremony, which left the mansion looking its worst. The front entrance is covered in toilet paper, and the rest of the house is covered in Chad’s meats, which is not a euphemism. As Evan sums everything up for us: Good guys went home so that Chad could stay, and that doesn’t sit well with Evan. In fact, he’s so thrown that he’s under the false belief that he can pull off that black tank top.
Outside, Chad and Daniel are exploring their shared passion… for working out. Chad explains that his goal in life is to be able to do pull-ups while holding his own body weight. And as aspirational as that life goal is, I personally think learning basic mathematics might be a more useful goal. Because if Chad thinks that 240 plus 280 equals 550, which “basically means 600,” it’s safe to say he shouldn’t do his own taxes. Also, with those addition skills, how many calories do we think he actually ate the other night?
Just as Daniel and Chad are starting to really feel their tendons, Harrison shows up to interrupt the sun bathing (of fully dressed men). Harrison explains that there will be three dates this week: one group date and two one-on-one dates.
And the first date card says Chase is going to get some alone time with JoJo! Chad thinks it should’ve been his name on the card, but he’s not worried, “because we’re killing it together.” His definition of killing it? “We’re kissing, we’re flowing, everything’s great.” Don’t you love it when you just flow with somebody?
So as Harrison cleans up the toilet paper all by his lonesome, Chase heads out to meet up with JoJo for a Bachelorette staple: The yoga-centric first date that forces two people who just met to get intimate in ways that leave everyone feeling uncomfortable. Because nothing says “nice to meet you” like straddling someone who’s half-naked!
After JoJo and Chase change into their yoga clothes — which is to say strip out of their clothes — they meet their yoga teacher. The first exercise? Pelvic thrusts with a grunt, followed by an “anger-gasm,” which is an awkward way to explain the even more awkward action of throwing a fit like a toddler.
And then we get this soundbite from JoJo: “I can confidently say this is the first time I’ve mounted a guy on a first date.” If nothing else, we always learn a lot on these dates.
In their final exercise, Chase and JoJo are left to touch foreheads as she straddles him and the two learn to breathe together. But the second they’re left unsupervised, Chase goes in for this kiss, which I’m pretty sure isn’t allowed. But you know what they say: The couple that yab-yums together…
Back at the house, Chad and Daniel are in various states of exercise: Chad is lifting, Chad is watching Daniel lift — a little too closely? — and in my favorite cutaway, Evan is working hard to get his squats in. I will say this: Someone really needs to help Daniel on that deadlift form, because there’s no need for all of what’s happening there.
For the evening portion of Chase’s date, he’s focused on making sure JoJo remembers their, er, connection, but she promises there’s no way she could forget it. After JoJo emphasizes how important it is for her to feel safe — foreshadowing things to come — Chase explains that his parents got a divorce, and that experience made him want to get married once and only once. (Has anyone ever said, “I WANT to get married more than once?”)
Yet, at the first mention of the sanctity of marriage, Chase gets himself a rose. But of course, a dinner is not complete until all the food is left untouched on the table and the couple gets a private concert. This time, Charles Kelley is the lucky guy who gets to watch JoJo and Chase make out while he awkwardly tries to pretend he doesn’t mind because they’re falling in love. This is only topped by the moment JoJo screams, “Thank you!” at Charles Kelley, who’s roughly five feet from her.
NEXT: Chad vs. everyone else, part 1
The second date card of the week is for the group date: Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Chad are the lucky guys. Well, Chad doesn’t consider himself too “lucky.”
When Chad says he’d rather not go on a date with 12 guys, you can feel a collective anger swelling amongst the other men. It’s as if someone flipped a testosterone switch (something that I think would be really helpful in life).
Jordan doubts JoJo would want to spend an entire day alone with Chad, and James thinks he should be more grateful. But when Chad tells Evan to “stop talking,” tensions peak. James F. brings up the fact that it could be a date that forces them to work together on teams, to which Jordan says, “Whatever team Chad’s on, let’s hope it’s a bench press competition, not a spelling contest.” OH SNAP. Don’t let those skinny jeans fool you, guys. Jordan’s here to play.
Chad asks if Jordan’s trying to insinuate that he’s stupid — not realizing that he’s proving Jordan’s point simply by asking the question — before he tells Jordan that he’s done nothing with his life “other than throw a piece of leather.” And that brings Alex into the mix, who’s all “try me, bro.” And by that, he means “try to beat me in a staring contest.”
Chad then asks the guys if they “wanna go,” which means he’s challenging at least four people to a fight? But the real kicker: The show then jumps to the next day! Did they all just say “no thanks” and go to bed? Who won the staring contest?! Guess we’ll never know.
On the way to the group date, the guys are separated into two limos, with Daniel literally using his body as a divider between Chad and the other guys. As for the other limo, they’re plotting a way to get Chad to show his true colors in front of JoJo.
Today, JoJo is taking the guys to a show. But when a woman walks out on stage and orgasms into the mic, we quickly learn that it’s not your typical show. And then Vinny outs himself as a selfish lover by saying, “I have no idea what she’s doing; I’ve never heard anything like that.” Well, Vinny’s out!
It seems the show JoJo selected is Sex Talks, in which women come out on stage and share one of their deepest, darkest sexual secrets. And because the opportunity is just too good, they ask all of the guys to participate.
Evan, not surprisingly is so PUMPED — get it? — to talk about sex all day. “This is another day in the office for me,” he says before James F. asks his mom to turn off her television forever, which seems like a cruel punishment if you ask me.
The rest of the guys seem to be handling the news pretty well. Then there’s Daniel who loves talking about “sex and weird things and different bodily functions.” The fact that those go together so seamlessly in his mind tells me everything I need to know.
Then there’s Vinny, who’s doing vocal warm-ups? And Chad, of course, is angry. In his mind, his sexual past is something that JoJo hasn’t earned the right to know.
However, Chad might want to be more focused on what Evan’s going to say. It seems being in his wheelhouse has made Evan so confident, he’s decided to go after Chad with his story.
NEXT: Let’s talk about sex, baby
Some 45 minutes after the show started, the guys are brought up on stage as the finale act. Grant goes first, and he keeps things classic by telling the “losing my virginity” story. Nick, however, takes things one step too far and talks about spelling out the alphabet with his tongue. It’s something none of us deserved to hear, and it’s really only made worse when he starts demonstrating. WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, NICK. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE STOP.
Needless to say, things quickly get “way kinkier” than JoJo imagined, to which I say you should never ask men to talk about sex in front of other men. Jordan says something about fluffing and penis size before James F. offers to show the audience his testicles? (He wasn’t kidding when he told his mom to turn off the TV.) Then there’s Vinny, who apparently was warming up his vocal chords so that he could properly strip in front of everyone.
But leave it to Daniel to take things too far. Excited about the task at hand, Daniel decides it would be a good idea to tell the story of how he once CUT A WOMAN’S HAIR WITHOUT HER CONSENT. As he puts it, “So she’s tied up at this point. I always carry a knife on me when I’m traveling.”
So yeah, we got to hear that story, but when Wells gets props for his hysterical threesome story, the producers decide we shouldn’t be let in on the fun.
But none of that matters now, because it’s time for Evan to tell the audience a cautionary tale about the danger of using steroids. (Instantly, Chad’s face goes all Norman Bates.) Those dangers include irritability and “saying things like ‘the girl I’m trying to date is nagging me.'” Honestly, I think Evan just earned himself the right to wear that tank top!
And yet, when Evan tries to walk past Chad to get back to his seat, Chad reaches back, grabs the collar of Evan’s shirt and rips it. Pretending nothing happened, Chad then calls JoJo up on stage. She first checks on Evan before heading up to get harassed by Chad, who decides that instead of telling a story, he’s going to try to kiss JoJo in front of everyone. Thankfully, JoJo gives him the cheek, and Alex has literally never been happier in his life.
After the guys head backstage, JoJo sticks around to find out the audience’s favorites while Chad punches a door and tells Evan, “You’re going to die if you don’t chill out.” He then shoves Evan by his neck, which is just proof that Chad doesn’t know the best way to shove anyone.
Even Daniel thinks Chad needs to chill, though perhaps Daniel should be thankful that Chad’s pulling attention away from his love of bodily fluids and cutting hair. Chad’s reaction? “If I can’t lift weights, I’m going to murder someone.” If I had a dime for every time I felt that way, amirite?
Cutting to the evening portion of the date where Vinny may or may not be drinking straight vodka, Jordan pulls JoJo away to talk seriously about his past relationships. He tells her of his mistakes and insecurities and how he hasn’t had this feeling in a long time. To prove how seriously he takes love, he tells her that he’s only said “I love you” to one person outside his family. Then he says it to her! Just kidding. He kisses her. But if his hair could speak…
Just as JoJo’s voiceover goes back to talking about feeling “safe,” Chad tries to steal her away from Nick, but when she tells him that they just sat down, Chad decides to sit roughly 20 feet away from them and make his presence known.
So while JoJo and Nick relocate, Chad tells us that the guys feel the need to “test the big guy,” like he’s King Kong or something. But when Vinny asks him about his performance on the date, Chad’s not phased. “If I was her, I would’ve turned me down,” he says. As for why he ripped Evan’s shirt, Chad claims it wasn’t about what Evan said. Instead, it was about the fact that Evan didn’t let Chad out of their row before he tried to get back to his seat. Apparently, Evan tried to push Chad over (which is the equivalent of a Chihuahua trying to push over a Doberman). As far as Chad’s concerned, he’s the one being bullied. “I don’t start anything,” he claims. “I don’t want to come off like a complete jerk or something when I’m just standing up for my own self.”
Apparently, Chad beileves that Evan is trying to get a “rise” out of him, but I’m going to go ahead and say Chad is the ONE person Evan’s not trying to get a rise out of, if you know what I’m saying. (He’s an erectile dysfunction specialist. You get it.)
Evan’s the next one to talk to Chad, asking for both an apology and a shirt. But Chad thinks he’s being ridiculous. “You’re like trying to bully me or something. Leave me alone, man,” Chad says, causing a number of guys to leave the room. And as they disperse, Chad tells us, “Evan can die” because he keeps trying to “villainize me and make me sound like a bad person.” You know, because saying someone can die doesn’t make you sound like a bad person.
NEXT: Harrison steps in
Back at the house, the final date card of the week indicates that James T. is finally going to get some alone time with JoJo, and he’s the happiest of all happy people!
On the current date, however, Chad continues to stalk JoJo. And fun fact: Despite being on two group dates with the guy, Chad still claims not to know who Christian is. As for Grant, Chad thinks he looks like someone from SpongeBob SquarePants. You know, the one whose face sticks out. Um…SpongeBob?
Finally chatting with JoJo, Chad informs her that he didn’t want to come on today’s date with all the other guys. He then tells her the story of the moment Evan pushed him first. “It’s like the little kid trying to beat up the bully,” he tells her, fully admitting that HE is the bully in that scenario.
But it’s Evan who steals JoJo away from Chad. Chad, naturally, is pissed, but thankfully he passes a mirror and can’t help but stop and say hello to the hunk in the mirror. (Do we think the hunk the mirror talks back to him?)
Alone with JoJo, Evan tells her that he won’t stay in the house if Chad is here. JoJo has to pick. So when JoJo picks up the date rose, she asks to once again talk to Evan. She basically tells him that she can’t promise to send Chad home but asks if he’ll accept the rose anyway, and he says yes. They then share their first kiss before they rejoin the group and Chad calls JoJo out.
“Is this real?” Chad asks her. And when Grant gets on Chad for interrupting JoJo, Chad asks if JoJo is really “vibing” Evan. Her response? “Yeah, and I don’t appreciate what you’re doing. Don’t be disrespectful. I don’t like that. You are being disrespectful, and I don’t like this side of you.” JoJo then thanks the guys and heads out, leaving Chad to spit about things.
As Chad puts it, “No girl on planet Earth ever chooses Evan for anything other than to come sweep their front yard.” The takeaway? Chad thinks yards are things you sweep.
Back at the mansion, Chad’s roommate, Derek, has decided to call security to keep an eye on Chad 24 hours a day, even when he’s sleeping. You never know, maybe he sleep-bullies.
Leaving the guys to deal with that, James joins JoJo for an old-fashioned date where they learn how to swing dance from an adorable 92-year-old woman, who’s lighter on her feet than James will ever be. But James tries his best. And Jean seems to be into their body chemistry. Of course, once JoJo and James “learn” how to dance, they have to do it in public, but James is a good sport. Plus, he gets his own newspaper headline, which he loves, even if it is missing a few hyphens.
But for the evening portion of the date, JoJo needs to figure out if James could be more than just a friend.
At the house, Chad claims he’s not a tough guy. Rather, he’s just being himself and the guys are “trying to be tough back.” So you ARE a tough guy, then. Daniel encourages Chad to “try to use logic and reasoning sometimes,” but when Chad doesn’t seem to follow the conversation, Daniel tries another approach.
While Chad eats a raw sweet potato as if it’s an apple — to prove that his teeth are tough? — Daniel tries to get through to his workout buddy. “Let’s just pretend you’re Hitler,” Daniel says in what might be my favorite moment in this show’s history. “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler,” Chad quickly replies. “Okay, well, let’s say you’re Donald Trump or something like that.” And if you thought the jump from Hitler to Donald Trump was great, Daniel’s just getting started. After he explains that he’s starting to look bad for being friends with Chad, Daniel makes a proposal to Chad: “So let’s be not so much like Hitler. Maybe be more like Mussolini, you know, or Bush.”
So the hierarchy, according to a Canadian, is:
2. Donald Trump
Back on James’ date, JoJo parks her car to spend the evening learning more about James, who explains how not being the best-looking kid growing up — kids called him “Luke Long Neck” even though his name is James — still affects him. James says he still considers himself an underdog in the looks department.
To reassure him he’s the whole package, JoJo gives James a pity date rose, though she claims he’s managed to push past the friend zone tonight. As much as I want to believe that, I’m skeptical. Thankfully, he brought along his guitar to up his sexy factor.
The next morning, Harrison meets up with the guys to inform them that there will be no cocktail party this week. Instead, there will be an all-day pool party. Chad, however, is not happy that the guys will get to see JoJo in a bathing suit. He knows from her dresses what she probably looks like, and he’s not ready to share that with anyone else. So while Chad continues to eat — seriously, does he ever stop? — Evan follows Harrison out the front door and updates him on the Chad situation (as if Harrison isn’t an omniscient presence who knows everything).
Harrison then re-enters and asks to speak with Chad. Harrison explains that they have to draw the line somewhere, and for them, that line is drawn at violence. So right now, Harrison is giving Chad a chance to go back inside and settle things with the guys. If he doesn’t, he’ll be gone.
Chad thanks Chris and starts to head back inside, angrier than ever. “Evan stabbed me in the face for some reason,” he says, so angry he can’t tell the word “face” from “back.” According to Chad, if he can’t make you stop talking about him, he’ll have to resort to physical violence. His idea this time? Cut off everyone’s arms and legs and throw their torsos in the pool.
See, kids: Steroids are bad!
And that’s where the night leaves us, with promises of violence in tomorrow night’s episode. That gives us all 24 hours to erase Nick’s sex story from our minds. Godspeed.