At this point, I’m thinking JoJo should just eliminate guys named “Chad” from her life. Last season, there was the ex who tried to rekindle things during her hometown date, and now, well, there’s Chad, the cocky, protein shake-obsessed meathead who’s missing something behind his eyes. Do we think “protein shake” is code for “vodka,” because that would explain so much.
We start the week at the Westlake Village Inn, where JoJo is staying? Remember the days when the Bachelor/Bachelorette got their own mini-mansion so that they could shower with Jimmy Kimmel and whatnot? Well, those days are no more. Now, JoJo has to resort to leaning on publicly recycled balconies. The horror.
At the mansion, Chris Harrison stops by to explain how things are going to happen this week: There will be two group dates and one one-on-one. There are roses on all the dates, so good luck, dudes! With that, Harrison drops off the first group date card for Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, and Robby. Not surprisingly, JoJo wants to heat things up. (“Hot” is her favorite word, after all.)
When the guys hear something outside, they head out to investigate, and what they discover is a limo on fire. As Evan gathers from the situation, “that is hot.” Yeah, fire tends to be. Also, what is Grant doing? So far, his fireman instincts are failing all the tests. Although, the biggest failure of this might be the guy who calmly says, “She’s not in there, right?”
Spoiler: She’s not. Instead, she shows up dressed as a firefighter and, in slow motion, helps extinguish the fire. As Daniel says, “You can spray me down any day.” And she might have to, Daniel.
As JoJo grabs her group for the day and heads out, Chad decides that the guys she chose for the first date are obviously the “B” team, which proves two things: 1. Chad’s confidence knows no bounds. And 2. Chad does not understand how the alphabet works.
So while JoJo enjoys her date, Chad enjoys some alone time with his protein powder. Specifically, he packs a suitcase full of said protein powder, straps that suitcase to a weight belt, and proceeds to do pull-ups with the suitcase hanging off his waist. There are so many things I could say here with the suitcase symbolically hanging between his legs. Let’s just go with this: Overcompensation. (Also, pretty sure there are heavier things than protein powder, buddy. Next time, challenge yourself.)
On the date, the men head to the fire academy, where they’re going to compete for a bit of alone time with JoJo. And in case you were wondering who JoJo wants some time with, she invited Grant, the actual firefighter, on this date. So yeah, JoJo’s playing favorites. Meanwhile, there’s Evan, who’s nothing if not confused. After all, when you tell an erectile dysfunction specialist he’s going to be working with a hose, this is not what he expects.
Can I also just say that I hope JoJo knows how to rescue herself if a building is on fire? It’s called GET OUT OF THE BUILDING. As much fun as it is to play damsel in distress, she doesn’t need a man for that.
As the day kicks off, it quickly becomes clear that Wells is struggling. (Poor guy, if only he’d rented out All-4-One for one more day.) And you know it’s bad when he says, “I’m so much not like everybody else here.” Wells, your wit is all you have! You can lose physically, but when you start messing up your words, you’re doomed.
Thankfully, needing a water break wins Wells some time with JoJo and he plays it off beautifully. He plays it off so well, in fact, that he accidentally impresses the fire chief, who then selects Wells as a top three contender. Translation: He has to endure more physical torture. In the end, it’s Luke, Grant, and Wells competing to save JoJo from the roof of a burning building.
RELATED: Why is season villain Chad eating all the food?
NEXT: And the first one-on-one goes to…
To no one’s surprise, Grant comes out the winner, leaving a very sweaty Luke to angrily lean on a building. Grant, however, is the first guy to get a little alone time during the evening portion of the date, where he impresses JoJo with his “selfless attitude” (and his kissing skills).
Back at the house, the guys — everyone but Chad — are writing a song for JoJo. Ninety percent of the lyrics are “JoJo,” but it’s a sweet thought. They stop singing just long enough for the next date card to give the first one-on-one of the season to Derek, that nice guy you don’t really remember from episode one.
On the group date, JoJo looks at pictures of Wells’ dog and learns that Evan has kids, but it’s Luke that she takes to a secluded balcony so she can kiss his face. But when rose time rolls around, it’s Wells who gets the date rose, once again leaving Luke to brood by his lonesome. One of these days, cowboy.
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Shifting to Derek’s one-on-one date, JoJo tells him that their date is all about choices. Choice #1) Sky or sea. They agree on sky. And when it comes to North or South, they agree North. So, on a private jet to San Francisco, they take things back to middle school as they play 20 questions and thumb wrestle to pass the time. By the time they land, they choose the Golden Gate Bridge over Lombard Street, and that’s where they get to enjoy a picnic.
But it’s the dinner portion of the date where JoJo has questions. She wants to know about Derek’s last relationship, but all he seems to want to say about it is that it made him very closed off. Yeah, we all know where this is going: Derek was cheated on, something he eventually sort of says. And JoJo appreciates him opening up. Although it might’ve been the most boring emotional conversation yet, it’s enough to earn Derek the date rose.
Back at the house, the guys are still perfecting their singing of the word “JoJo” while Chad bonds with angry Canadian Daniel, who agrees that JoJo should stay away from the nice guys. As Chad puts it, “It’s the nice guys who are actually the assholes.” … So say the assholes.
As Chad sees it, JoJo wants a man, not a childish boy, and then he starts in on this sentence, “If you’re making a protein shake made of the group of dudes here…” For one thing, I never want to end up with a man who thinks of scenarios as if they’re protein shakes. Another thing? In that scenario, is he murdering everyone and blending them into tiny, drinkable pieces?!
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My other favorite part of this interaction: Daniel’s way-too-loose tank top. Do we think he wanted to match Chad so badly that he cut up a shirt he had to make it look like a tank top? This might be my favorite group of “bad boys” ever.
Harrison arrives in time to drop off the final date card of the week: Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T., Alex, and Chad are about to prove their love to JoJo … and the nation. SportsNation, that is.
With SportsNation hosts Marcellus Wiley and Max Kellerman acting as JoJo’s surrogate brothers for the day — her real brothers are much scarier — they’re going to put the guys through a series of challenges in order to complete their proper power ranking of JoJo’s suitors… fittingly called BachelorNation.
NEXT: Chad gets real
Challenge 1: Strike the Rose
Basically, the guys have to humiliate themselves with their best celebratory dance. Yeah, Jordan shows us exactly why he no longer plays football. Then there’s Chad, who makes the mistake of picking up JoJo. As Max tells him, speaking for all of Bachelor nation, “Hands off the merchandise.”
Challenge 2: Eye on the Prize
After spinning around with their heads on a bat, the guys have to try to find JoJo and propose to her. Chad’s immediately not a fan. As he sees it, “They don’t understand this is a real girl.” Chad can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact that no one’s actually proposing. But let’s be thankful they’re not because all Chad does is grab JoJo’s ass and say, “Will you marry me?” And when JoJo wants more from him, he shoots himself in the foot, claiming that their relationship is getting “a little naggy.” Suddenly, things feel very real.
Challenge 3: Press Conference
The guys have to answer questions about their relationship, and when they’re asked which guy JoJo should avoid, everyone points the finger at Chad. So when Chad finally gets a chance to speak, he explains to JoJo that he doesn’t actually know her. JoJo, you guys JUST met, did you know that? So quite frankly, he doesn’t love you yet.
In other words, this guy can’t tell the difference between real life and a joke. And yet, the judges appreciate his honesty.
After Max and Marcellus deliberate, they decide that their top three are as follows: James T., Chad, and Alex.
That night, winner James gets a bit of alone time, during which he declares he’s “not Abs McGee” before he reads JoJo something he wrote down. It’s not a song. It’s not a poem. It’s just an explanation of who James is and how he wants something real and thinks JoJo could be that thing. It makes JoJo cry, and just like that, James gets a kiss from the woman he thinks is so out of his league. (I’m saying it right now: If James doesn’t win, James for Bachelor!)
While JoJo talks to the rest of the guys, we lucky viewers are treated to Chad’s thoughts on everyone: James is the high school sweetheart, Alex is too short, Christian does this crazy thing called “listening to his own words before he says them,” and Nick is trying so hard that he’s “coming off super weird.” As for Jordan, Chad once thought of him as competition, but now he’s decided that JoJo doesn’t want a guy that’s going to kiss her ass constantly. She wants
someone who’s going to grab her ass constantly a real person.
Finally getting some alone time, Chad explains that his last relationship was four years ago and he hasn’t been in another relationship since because he’s been working. Has he mentioned that he’s financially ready for a relationship? Because he is.
However, there is more to Chad than money and suitcases full of protein powder. When he tells JoJo that he has a yorkie, he explains that he inherited it from his mother, who died six months ago. He and JoJo then make a wish in the wishing well before sharing their first kiss. And just like that, Chad’s got that loving feeling, and he’s shocked at how quickly things are developing. (I bet if you asked him to propose now, he’d have plenty to say!)
But when it comes time to hand out the date rose, JoJo gives it to James, who’s too adorable for words.
NEXT: Who’s ready for a cocktail party?
Now, nothing’s left but the cocktail party, which kicks off with a bang when Chad decides to meet JoJo outside while all the guys sit on one couch waiting for her arrival. They talk about their outfits and he gives her a kiss, but when they walk in together, the guys have questions. Chad tries to explain that, “I was getting some air. She happened to approach as I was getting said air.” But as Alex puts its, “The house has been divided. Winter is coming.”
Speaking of winter, JoJo’s currently enjoying some fake snow courtesy of Chase, who wanted to give her a piece of his world. (Is he from the North Pole?)
Meanwhile, Chad has been “saving my cals” for this evening, so he’s eating everything he can get his hands on, from lunch meat to chicken wings to fruit. (How many calories does one save by skipping a protein shake?)
And once Chad’s got a bit of meat in his stomach, he heads off to steal JoJo from Alex. He tells her how shocked he was that when he got home from their group date, he actually thought about her! Can you believe that?! Apparently, Chad says that’s different for him, to which I ask, “feeling something?”
JoJo seems intrigued by Chad, who asks if he’s “un-figure-out-able?” As JoJo corrects him, “You’re mysterious.” But sure, “un-figure-out-able” is how a real man would put it.
When the guys try to confront Chad, all he sees is a group of Care Bears telling him they’re going to kick his ass. But when Chad steals JoJo – again! — from Evan, Alex loses it.
Alex confronts Chad, who informs him that if he keeps this up, “you’re going to lose your damn teeth,” but Alex is not scared. Alex could, however, use a little help on his insults. Yelling “you’re a meltdown” doesn’t exactly carry the weight I think he was hoping it would.
However, with all of this Chad nonsense, we skipped over the fact that Grant sat down to talk to JoJo with a notebook! He had a notebook! What was in the notebook?! Could we have another sensitive firefighter à la Ryan Sutter on our hands?! Damn you for taking this from me, Chad.
At the rose ceremony (where Chad is still eating by the way), JoJo gives Roses to Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Nick, Vinny, Evan, and Chad. And that means we’re saying goodbye to Brandon, the hipster, James S., the superfan, and Will, the guy who had JoJo toilet paper the mansion earlier?
All I know is that Chad is stuck with a “parade of losers,” and he will never write JoJo a song. All Chad needs in life is protein shakes, working out, and food. And at the end of it all, that’s the magic formula that’s going to get him the girl. Or rather, that’s the formula that’s going to entertain us for the next couple weeks.
I will see you all next week. If you need me before then, I’ll be doing push-ups with a suitcase full of wine on my back like a real woman.