Alright guys, it’s official: We’ve made it to another season as recapper and reader, which makes us one of the most successful couples in Bachlor(ette) history. In other words, there’s still no guarantee we’re going to last forever, but so far, ABC is still totally willing to pay for our wedding if we agree to televise it. (I’m down if you are.)
But before we get to that, we have a very awkward evening to get through on what Chris Harrison shockingly claims is a “dramatic,” “historic” season of The Bachelorette. And no, it’s not historic because Chris is wearing a THREE-piece suit. Instead, it’s because 25 of the “most eligible men in America”—does this emphasis means they’ve come up with a better vetting system to ensure these men are actually single?—will spend all of night one deciding whether it’s Britt or Kaitlyn who deserves a shot at love. You know, just how God intended.
So let’s quickly refresh our memories on Britt and Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is “funny, sexy, and sometimes completely inappropriate.” More importantly, she enjoys good jokes, Jimmy Kimmel, and skinny dipping.
Britt, on the other hand, is “sincere, emotional, and very loving.” So, she cries a lot. She also enjoys not showering, putting on makeup before she goes to bed, and riding in hot air balloons. (But she just HATES heights. They terrify her.)
And tonight, the two very different women—guys, they’re REALLY different—will put on their pretty dresses and stand approximately 20 feet apart so that every man who gets out of the limo will have to reveal his preference before even revealing his name.
Have we mentioned how different these women are? Because right now, Kaitlyn is super nervous and Britt is super excited … because they’re different.
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is explaining how things will work, talking specifically about how the men will have a “little bit of say” in the process, which is code for ALL OF THE SAY. Any questions?
Okay then, let’s begin this journey with these two very different women, shall we?
Ben H., 26. A software salesman from Denver, Ben heads to Kaitlyn first, but as soon as he sees Britt, he brings up his sponsor child, and suddenly, it’s like we’re watching two baby bunnies run to each other in a field full of butterflies.
First impression: Too sweet?
#TeamBritt, but also, #TeamBunnies
Jonathan, 33. An automotive spokesman, Jonathan knows what he wants: He wants to be a good father to his 5-year-old son, and he wants him some Britt. Did he just kiss her hand? How do we feel about that? Please stop complimenting her. Seriously. Stop.
First impression: He might be a bit too into what he’s looking at. Calm down, buddy.
NEXT: Someone might confuse Britt for Ashley I.
Clint, 27. The award for most impressive, definitely real job thus far goes to Clint, who’s an architectural engineer. However, he clearly doesn’t get out much, because he stands a full 3 feet from Britt to talk to her. But I guess he likes what he sees?
First impression: Either awkward or a germaphobe.
Ryan B., 32. I’m sorry. Who greets a grown woman with the words, “Hi, Disney princess.” That is not a thing. Also, is he confusing Britt with Ashley I.?! Or Jade?! And now he appears to be trying to crush her with his hug.
First impression: Security!
Jared, 26. A restaurant manager, Jared is one of those guys who’s so very close to being ridiculously attractive. It’s like he’s almost Ian Somerhalder, but not quite. Maybe he needs a haircut? Or maybe he just needs to stop calling himself the “Love Man,” a.k.a. his superhero alter ego. The best part? Love Man “represents trustworthy and understanding.” Okay, so maybe he should get a haircut and stop talking.
First impression: So close, and yet so far.
Kupah, 32. I’m sorry, all I can think about is Koopa Troopa from Mario Kart.
First impression: Your name is really fun to say … but really hard to spell.
Brady, 33. Ah yes, the singer-songwriter from Nashville who says things like, “I’ve always had melodies inside me.” We all knew he was coming at some point. Once out of the limo, he gets points for the specificity of the 7th-grade dance comment and according to Britt, for smelling good. (But does she?!)
First impression: Sincere enough.
Cory, 35. Finally! Somebody gives Kaitlyn a bit of attention first … if by attention, I mean the world’s quickest hug so that he can then make his way to Britt and shower her with compliments. So really, he’s more of the same.
First impression: Eh.
Ian, 28. Our first inspirational story takes us to California, where Ian ran track at Princeton before getting hit by a car and being left for dead. Now, despite what the doctors said, he runs every day! Suck it, doctors! Out of the limo, Ian heads straight to Kaitlyn and whispers in her ear, “I’m hoping it’s gonna be you, so I’m going to make sure it is.”
First impression: Bold and lovable.
JJ, 32. So “former investment banker” just means that you’re unemployed, right, JJ? Regardless, he has enough money to buy a hockey puck and tell Kaitlyn, “I would love to puck you.” And she LOVES it. Also, JJ only brought one puck, but he would like the world to know that he would also “puck” Britt.
First impression: Find a job and then we can talk.
Ryan M., 28. Pro: “Honies I’m home” gave me way too much enjoyment. Con: He’s a “junkyard specialist.”
First Impression: Big personality. Like, too big.
Bradley, 25. I have no idea what an “international auto shipper” is, but I like to think he ‘ships auto parts. Regardless, he’s one of the few fellas with props, pulling out a tennis racket and a sweatband to say that he’s hoping to find a love-love match. (Is that code for threesome, though?)
First impression: Slightly memorable.
NEXT: Someone dances … and someone strips
Daniel, 28. He’s dancing. He’s so bad. But he’s dancing!
First impression: My god, he’s a bad dancer.
Josh, 27. I would like everyone to take in his job title: “Law student/exotic dancer.” AND NOW HE’S STRIPPING. And there’s a stomach tattoo. And there’s thrusting. Someone make it stop.
First impression: To quote Kaitlyn, “Britt, you can have this one!”
Joe, 28. Okay, we have our first Southern accent. Much like Chris Soules, Joe is from a small town—but is it one Britt will love or only pretend to love? From what I can tell, he loves horses, the word “special” and moonshine, which he shares with Kaitlyn.
First impression: Points for bringing booze, but please don’t talk.
Justin, 28. This fitness trainer brings Kaitlyn balloons. (But not Britt?) And then he sucks some helium.
First impression: What’s the difference between fitness trainer and personal trainer?
Tanner, 28. Heading straight for Britt, Tanner hands Britt a packet of tissues. Is he being sweet or kind of an ass? That’s TBD. Although I think Kaitlyn wins this one, asking Britt, “What is that: soap or tissues?” Spoiler: It’s the one she’ll actually use!
First impression: TBD
Shawn B., 28. Okay, now this guy is a personal trainer. And he gets points for being the only one to embrace the awkward situation and offer up a group hug. But wait. Did he just literally sweep Britt off her feet and then run to Kaitlyn to say that she is the reason why he’s here?! Yes he did, and Kaitlyn is feeling it.
First impression: Serious potential (for Kaitlyn).
[Brief pause for Kaitlyn to run inside, say hello to the guys, and just generally offend Britt.]
David, 26. I know nothing of this guy except that he’s a real estate agent who likes Kaitlyn.
First impression: Who was he again?
Corey, 30. So we have a Cory and a Corey? This infuriates me. Regardless, this guy apparently plays competitive beach volleyball, and he asks Kaitlyn if the offer to plow her fields is still on the table? WELL PLAYED.
First impression: Better than Cory.
Tony, 35. Everyone, I’d like you to meet Britt’s soulmate, Tony, the “healer who specializes in flexibility therapy,” which looks to me like it stands for “physical therapist who enjoys yoga and plants.” However, right now, he’s my absolute favorite person in the world, because he just gave Britt and Kaitlyn the exact same speech. Word for word. Clearly, he didn’t expect them to be standing so close together.
First impression: Go kiss a plant, Tony.
Real question: I want theories on Tony’s black eye. Did he get it doing yoga? Caring for his plants? Did he punch himself at the thought of saying the exact same thing to both women?
NEXT: Ryan M. is the most honest man alive
Currently going on inside the house: Ryan M. is drunk as hell and yelling about how he’s “all horned up right now.” Real talk: Is that a thing that people say?
However, he might win the award for the most honest man in the house, because there’s nothing more real than this: “I wanna date both of them because I’m selfish!” Just kidding. My favorite is his admission that he’d like to take Kaitlyn out for a nice steak dinner and never call her again. Really though, this is the most honest thing this show has ever seen.
To make matters even better, drunk Ryan then goes outside when Shawn E., 31 pulls up in a “Carpool De Ville.” Yes, it is a hot tub car. And as if Shawn’s job title isn’t mean enough—who would willingly put AMATEUR sex coach?—Ryan is hiding in the bushes screaming at Shawn telling him that his car sucks. When Shawn tries to tell Ryan that they’ll talk inside, Ryan responds with, “No, we won’t! You suck, dude.” I know it’s mean, but a very big part of me wants drunk Ryan to commentate on this entire season.
First impression for Shawn E.: Not hot enough. Get it? He arrived in a hot tub. Okay, I’m done.
Chris, 28. And now, for the dentist who arrives in a cupcake mobile. (Can someone please find out just how far he drove in that?!) Also, is it bad that my first thought was that it didn’t even look like a good cupcake. I mean, what kind of cupcake has candy corn on top of it?
First impression: Bad dentist jokes … but he’s hot.
Joshua, 31. Another small-town country boy, Josh has never been in love with anyone or anything except welding. But he did weld a metal rose, so…
First impression: Forgettable.
Ben Z., 26. Another day, another personal trainer—or “fitness coach,” sorry. And this one comes with a sob story—he lost his mom at age 14—and a genuine indecisiveness. You can’t have both Britt and Kaitlyn, dude!
First impression: Contender … have you seen those cheekbones?
Okay, that’s enough of this driveway awkwardness. Let’s get inside for some air-conditioned awkwardness, shall we?!
Once inside, Kaitlyn makes a knock-knock joke and Britt throws some serious shade. Britt is here to find her best friend, and apparently Kaitlyn’s joke makes Britt question just how “serious” her co-Bachelorette is. Reminder: they’re very different. But the guys don’t share Britt’s concern.
Cut to the beginning of the one-on-one chats, someone making an interrupting cow joke, and
Calvin Harris Shawn B. deciding that he just experienced love at first sight with Kaitlyn.
Also happening, the guys are strategizing: Do you pick the woman you like most or the one you think likes you the most? #firstworldproblems, amirite? But really, #realitytvproblems.
NEXT: The votes are in…
By the time Chris Harrison tells the guys that voting is open, Tony is all, “Chris, Imma let you finish in a minute” as he takes his spiritual bond with Britt right to the wooden ballot box. After all, how could he deny the energy coming from Britt’s chest? It was PULSATING. (Quick, someone hand this guy a pomegranate and see what he thinks it is!)
Now, Britt and Kaitlyn make some last-minute efforts to get to know all the guys, as the men try to convince everyone else to vote their way. (Rumor has it, this is just what it’s like to run for POTUS!)
But what the presidential election doesn’t have that the Bachelorette does is Ryan M., who’s casting his vote for his fireball on the rocks. After telling Shawn E. that he once again sucks, Ryan—who’s still “horned up” if you were wondering—takes Britt aside to chat. But after multiple guys try to rescue the “Disney princess,” Ryan gets the message. Well, except not at all. Instead, he calls the women “hos” and grabs Kaitlyn’s ass. He then goes for a dip in the pool—because this party is dead anyway—before throwing his rose in the voting room.
His real low point of the night? When confronted by JJ, Ryan asks, “Why am I not raping you right now?” Thank you, JJ, for asking the most obvious question: Why is that your go-to verb choice? (Also, I formally rescind my offer for Ryan to commentate this season.)
As Kupah puts it, Ryan is “white boy wasted,” but according to Chris Harrison, he’s “completely blitzed.” And that, my friends, will get you a ride home … and not even in a limo. White boy wasted = a ride home in a creepy white van. Justice is served.
Back at the party, Kaitlyn finally gets some time with her “love at first sight” partner, Shawn B., who apparently smells amazing. He gives her a picture that his nephew drew, and she can’t stop smiling. Basically, if there were a first impression rose, he’d be getting it.
And while Britt and Brady totally connect about how baseball games are fun “social events”—don’t tell that to the athletes—Harrison tallies the votes. (And yes, he’s literally counting out loud. You can never be too careful!)
But of course all we see is Harrison heading out to “tell the (very different) ladies.” As for which one we’ll be stuck with all season, we’ll find out tomorrow night. All I know is that if I were named the Bachelorette, I’d want a list of everyone who voted for the other woman, and those jerks would be the first to go.
Altogether, if you take Ryan M. out of the equation, it was a pretty tame evening, mostly because splitting the time (and drama) between two women was a bit hectic. Let’s just say it’s a good thing that only one of them will be at the helm of this ship moving forward.
With that, I’ll see you guys back here tomorrow night, when we can actually start the journey to find love. For now, I’m going to figure out if I can rent a carpool in New York City.