Alright guys, it’s official: We’ve made it to another season as recapper and reader, which makes us one of the most successful couples in Bachlor(ette) history. In other words, there’s still no guarantee we’re going to last forever, but so far, ABC is still totally willing to pay for our wedding if we agree to televise it. (I’m down if you are.)
But before we get to that, we have a very awkward evening to get through on what Chris Harrison shockingly claims is a “dramatic,” “historic” season of The Bachelorette. And no, it’s not historic because Chris is wearing a THREE-piece suit. Instead, it’s because 25 of the “most eligible men in America”—does this emphasis means they’ve come up with a better vetting system to ensure these men are actually single?—will spend all of night one deciding whether it’s Britt or Kaitlyn who deserves a shot at love. You know, just how God intended.
So let’s quickly refresh our memories on Britt and Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is “funny, sexy, and sometimes completely inappropriate.” More importantly, she enjoys good jokes, Jimmy Kimmel, and skinny dipping.
Britt, on the other hand, is “sincere, emotional, and very loving.” So, she cries a lot. She also enjoys not showering, putting on makeup before she goes to bed, and riding in hot air balloons. (But she just HATES heights. They terrify her.)
And tonight, the two very different women—guys, they’re REALLY different—will put on their pretty dresses and stand approximately 20 feet apart so that every man who gets out of the limo will have to reveal his preference before even revealing his name.
Have we mentioned how different these women are? Because right now, Kaitlyn is super nervous and Britt is super excited … because they’re different.
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is explaining how things will work, talking specifically about how the men will have a “little bit of say” in the process, which is code for ALL OF THE SAY. Any questions?
Okay then, let’s begin this journey with these two very different women, shall we?
Ben H., 26. A software salesman from Denver, Ben heads to Kaitlyn first, but as soon as he sees Britt, he brings up his sponsor child, and suddenly, it’s like we’re watching two baby bunnies run to each other in a field full of butterflies.
First impression: Too sweet?
#TeamBritt, but also, #TeamBunnies
Jonathan, 33. An automotive spokesman, Jonathan knows what he wants: He wants to be a good father to his 5-year-old son, and he wants him some Britt. Did he just kiss her hand? How do we feel about that? Please stop complimenting her. Seriously. Stop.
First impression: He might be a bit too into what he’s looking at. Calm down, buddy.
NEXT: Someone might confuse Britt for Ashley I.