I’ve decided I’m going to start every week with an important disclaimer: A new, dramatic recap of The Bachelorette starts now!
What do you guys think? Dramatic enough? Well, how’s this: Kaitlyn has sex. Better? Cool.
But before we even get there, we still have to deal with Ian, who has magically swept Kaitlyn off to some unknown corner of the building where the guys can’t find her. But hey, Jared is hoping she’s having a wonderful night, and all Nick wants is for Ian not to question her character.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is having a terrible night while Ian pretty harshly questions her character. In case you all couldn’t tell from his face, Ian is “pretty deep,” and once again, he reiterates that he’s so over Kaitlyn’s movie quotes and everything else that makes her “shallow.” According to Ian, he’s not looking to plow her field. He’s looking for a deeper connection. (I could have so much fun with that, but I’ll just leave it right there.)
Basically, Ian knew who Kaitlyn was coming into this season but was hoping that Chris breaking up with her would’ve turned her into a blubbering mess. But because she prefers laughing to crying, he’s out. Basically, Ian’s soul is where laughter goes to die, and by the time he finishes insulting Kaitlyn, she’s ready to say goodbye.
So Ian leaves, heading straight out of the building and into an SUV, where he ponders how he’s “too deep a thinker” and “too self-aware” for Kaitlyn. See, he went to Princeton, where they DON’T teach classes on cheesy movie quotes, unlike, you know, nowhere.
On his ride away, Ian decides that he’s being “punished for being an intellectual” and having original thoughts. So he’s headed back into the real world, where he doesn’t find that women have trouble relating to him because he’s “too deep.” Instead, they just have trouble relating to him because he’s “an asshole.”
I know this is the smallest thing, but can we talk about how he walks down stairs? I really hate it. You don’t look graceful or cool. Also, did he down like five drinks between his chat with Kaitlyn and the car? Because he seems way more intoxicated in his SUV confessional.
Speaking of which, on his way out of town, Ian makes one final pitch to be the next Bachelor. His big selling point? If he’s the Bachelor, women will be like, “Oh shit I wanna go out with that guy. He’s so deep.” In other news, that would be the first time any woman has ever said that. Honestly, do people use “deep” as much in real life as they do on this show?
But I can’t forget Ian’s perfect final note. After yelling at Kaitlyn for being shallow and for making out with all the guys and only caring about physical stuff, this “deep” fellow’s final thought is: “I need to have some sex.” Little does he know, Kaitlyn will be doing just that very soon … and I’m willing to bet he won’t.
And then there were 11 men left. However, only one is smart enough to find Kaitlyn in her time of need, and of course it’s Nick. He tells Kaitlyn that she’s totally capable of being a deep thinker and stuff and that he loves her movie quotes and dumb humor.
Basically, Nick totally gets her and he wants to know her inside out. [Insert sex joke here.]
Somewhere, Ian just called me shallow.
After about 20 minutes, Shawn finally decides to interrupt Nick’s time, only to find Nick and Kaitlyn kissing. Quite frankly, I’m surprised he had to get close enough to see it, because I’m pretty sure you could hear that makeout echoing throughout the building.
So Shawn turns away and does what he does best: second-guesses everything he knows about his relationship with Kaitlyn (while holding a beer and looking hot).
With Kaitlyn accepting her role as “make-out bandit,” she rejoins the guys to tell them all what an ass Ian is before refusing to let Ian bring down her night. So instead, she’ll let Chris Harrison bring down her night, as he enters to tell her it’s time for the rose ceremony.
NEXT: It’s the end of the road for…