Hey guys, remember when Nick was the bad guy? … or JJ? … or Clint? … or Kupah? … or that drunk guy from night one? Well, it turns out that the biggest douche of them all was right under our noses the entire time! Turns out, Ian sucks, and I for one, blame the producers for the fact that I didn’t realize it sooner. I mean, I’m ashamed to admit that my first impression of him will forever read “bold and lovable.” (I’m also ashamed that I used a phrase like “bold and lovable” when talking about a human being.)
But just let it be known that my last impression of him is “arrogant asshole who loves himself more than any woman ever could.” Too much?
Regardless, before we get to the whole Ian situation—which, let’s be honest, we only half-care about—we still have to deal with the one whom Shawn calls “the other guy.” Spoiler: It’s Nick.
Upon Nick entering the guys’ hotel suite, no one even so much as stands to greet him. To be fair, it looked like Jared started to before I’m guessing the producers shot him down. And they must have told him that they needed more tension in the room, because by the time Nick gets to his own personal couch, Jared’s facial structure is sharper than ever as he gives Nick the sort of dirty looks that would make you think it was Nick who ruined Jared’s facial hair last week.
Sitting down, Nick claims that he’s not here to start drama. Plain and simply, he’s here to sweep Kaitlyn off her feet with his words: “I actually kind of dig this girl.” Oh, Nick. You’re too much.
It takes about 30 seconds for Tanner to speak up and ask Nick if he hung out with Andi a couple of weeks ago. Yes, he did. Reportedly, the two met up to “bury the hatchet.” (And probably not to make love with each other.)
But it’s obvious that Tanner wasn’t expecting Nick to own up to that, so he tries another argument: Basically, he goes for the “there are plenty of fish in the sea” angle, but Nick repeats that he’s here for Kaitlyn … because she’s a “pretty cool chick.”
Enter Joshua, who calls Nick out on his biggest sin—his word choice—asking if Kaitlyn is more of a “cool chick” or an “amazing woman”? Nick thinks she’s both and is all #phrasing, amirite? I mean, can’t she be amazing AND cool?
Switching gears, Tanner wants to know more about Nick’s relationship with Kaitlyn before the show. Apparently, the two of them have texted, tweeted, and even talked on the phone a couple of times. (But there’s no mention of FaceTime, so they can’t be too serious.) And when Kaitlyn came on the show, Nick says he knew he had to meet her.
Once the interrogation is over, Shawn continues to drink silently in the background while Nick tells everyone that he gets why people are pissed but that he hopes they can at least respect why he came. After all, where else would he find a woman who’s both amazing AND cool? Okay, I’ll stop.
So while the guys figure out their emotions regarding Nick, the producers make it up to all of America by giving us shirtless Shawn. Sure, Shawn is also talking about his conflicted feelings, etc. etc., but nobody’s listening.
Tonight, the cocktail party is taking place at Citi Field, because there’s nothing more romantic than a baseball stadium that’s completely empty and apparently freezing? The only upside to this would’ve been someone making a “make-out under the bleachers” comment, but sadly, nobody does. Instead, JJ refers to the stadium as his “grandiose stage” and pretends that he knows what baseball is.
So while Kaitlyn rocks a full-on peacoat, the guys are left to suffer in their suits. Honestly, JJ just picked Kaitlyn up and ran ALL FOUR BASES while holding her—he might’ve pretended it was romantic, but clearly, the guy was trying to stay warm.
NEXT: And the final rose goes to…[pagebreak]
Inside the stadium, Joshua still isn’t happy about Nick, Tanner says “pussyfooted,” and JJ flat-out lies to Shawn, telling him, “You’re the most attractive guy here, but when your jaw is clenched, it’s not a good look for you.” Don’t listen, Shawn! A clenched jaw is a GREAT look for you. In fact, it’s your best look (when done while shirtless).
Clenched or unclenched, Shawn then gets his alone time with Kaitlyn, where he warns her that Nick’s arrival could mean the return of something else: Shawn’s guard. See what I did there? According to Shawn, Nick is “full of shit” and her decision to keep him around could stall her relationship with the house hottie.
Coming away from her conversation with Shawn, Kaitlyn is freaking out that bringing Nick back has messed up her perfect romance. And yet, when the rose ceremony comes around, she doesn’t make any big moves. With Chris, Jared, and Justin already holding roses, she gives out the rest to Ben H., Ben Z., Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, JJ, Joshua, and Nick.
Good thing too, because as Nick put it, not getting a rose was “gonna sting hard.” As opposed to stinging … ?
With that, Jonathan, Ryan, and Corey head home while the rest of the guys head to San Antonio, Texas, home of warm weather, good barbecue, and Tim Riggins’ short-lived college career.
Once in Texas, JJ redefines the phrase “high-waisted pants” while Kaitlyn recovers from the previous week’s “serious ups and serious lows.”
At the hotel, the guys get the first date card, which is a one-on-one for Ben H. After Kaitlyn picks him up in an old school truck, the two of them head to Gruene, Texas, where they discover the oldest dance hall in all of Texas. There, they are going to participate in a two-stepping competition. And here you all thought she reserved the humiliating ideas for the group dates!
So while the two of them attempt to learn how to two-step, the tensions get “tighter” at the hotel, according to Nick. All Nick knows is that Joshua can hate him all he wants, because he’s focused on “Kaitlyn and I.” (OR, maybe you should be focused on your grammar!)
On the date, Kaitlyn and Ben are taught that the two-step is about two quick steps followed by two slow steps. Simple, right? Not so much. But who cares, because Betty Jo is one of the judges of the competition, and all that matters is that she somehow becomes the next Bachelorette. Did you see that wink? This lady is gold. Age is just a number, ABC!
As the band—Dale Watson and the Lone Stars, a.k.a. Really Old Country Elvis–starts to play, Kaitlyn and Ben dance their way through round one. Fun fact: The lyrics to the song that Dale is singing are literally “quick quick, slow slow.” So if you mess up, you really are a loser.
Thankfully, Kaitlyn and Ben make it through round one, but when the second round is danced to a normal song, they quickly get eliminated. But again, no one cares because Betty Jo is tearing up the dance floor.
And yes, Ben is handsome and he knows all the right things to say. But what does Betty Jo think about him?!
Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives for Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z., Joshua … and Nick. And you all know what this means: Shawn gets the week’s final one-on-one! I don’t know which part of him was more excited: his face or his triceps.
NEXT: Ben H. “opens up”
Back on their date, Kaitlyn is ready for Ben H. to open up. (And I love that he’s drinking champagne to her hard liquor.) Diving straight into the “past relationships” conversation, Kaitlyn isn’t wasting any time. Clearly, she got her necklace from Ashley S., practitioner of dark magic, and is hoping it will work some voodoo to get Ben to open up—or else she’ll bludgeon him with it?
But it only sort of works. After so, so, so much build-up, Ben reveals that his last relationship was long distance, and when it ended, his ex told him … that he had “lost the chase.” REALLY? That’s what you were scared to reveal?! I was 100 percent positive he’d cheated. And as awful as it is to say, I’m disappointed.
But Kaitlyn eats it up. She asks if Ben is really ready for commitment considering that he’s only 26, which he talks his way around by saying he likes her and sees more “fun” days in their future. So essentially, no, he’s not. But Kaitlyn is already lost in his eyes. Here’s a rose for you, Ben!
I’m sorry, did he just say she saw a deeper side to him than most people see? How deep does he think that conversation was?
Moving to the group date, Kaitlyn takes her 10 guys and introduces them to the 12-year-old mariachi singer who steals her heart. Sebastian—the child—tells the men: “I just won her heart over. Now it’s your turn to try to take her heart back.” It’s cute the first time he says it. The second and third? Not so much. Sorry, kid. You can’t just repeat something because it went well the first time. It’s a harsh life lesson that you need to learn—or else, you could end up like Tony. You’re welcome.
Left to write their own Mariachi songs—haven’t we been on this date already? and wasn’t it kind of boring?—each guy is given a portable CD player—you know, because they still exist—and if the guys are lucky, they’re visited by Sebastian, who really wants the guys to take this seriously. And the good news for little Bash over here is that Ian’s on this date, and Ian takes everything seriously, most of all what a catch he is. And yes, Ian can sing. (Or so he says.)
Once showtime rolls around, the guys put on their necessary costumes, in which Nick has never looked more at home.
Stepping up to sing to Kaitlyn in public, Justin brings out his
most offensive? best Spanish accent, JJ fails at playing guitar, and Joe ends his song with a proposal—will you mariachi me?—and a kiss. Shockingly, in a date that involves singing, Joe seems to be the frontrunner!
And you know who’s not a threat to Joe? Ian, who literally chokes during his song about loving Kaitlyn as a woman—again, as opposed to?—and being a better human. And when Ian doesn’t perform, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t want him to coach my son’s soccer team.
But sadly, Joe is beaten at the last minute when Nick grabs Kaitlyn and pulls her up to a nearby balcony, where he sings—a capella? did the band just refuse to help him?—about how their connection gives him an erection and how he “might” love Kaitlyn. As much as the guys hate him, they give Nick some props. But wait, did Nick just say he was glowing? Did he catch his reflection in a mirror? I feel like you can’t say that about yourself. But I digress.
At the latter half of the group date, Joshua makes the mistake of letting Kaitlyn cut his hair with half-charged clippers, and believe it or not, that is not his biggest mistake of the night. After Kaitlyn and Nick make out, Nick returns to the men to have Joshua inform him that he will never trust him. But Nick’s cool with it. In fact, Nick’s pretty much cool with everything.
Looking back, he’s happy (the other) Josh was in his season of The Bachelorette or else Nick would’ve been Andi’s first choice on the show but second choice in life … if that makes sense. It doesn’t to Joshua, which is when he decides to tell Kaitlyn that Nick isn’t sitting right with him. Josh’s big mistake? Saying that nobody in the house likes Nick, which makes Kaitlyn feel like everyone’s lying to her face. But did she think they liked Nick? Because…
So after Joshua lights Kaitlyn’s world on fire like it’s a [insert welding term here], he returns to the guys and tells them he was just in an interview. (Somebody stop this guy from drowning.) But Kaitlyn’s right behind him, and she wants to know why Joshua just said everyone was lying to her. Long story short, nobody steps forward to support Joshua, but Joshua stands by what he said. And when it’s evident that this conversation isn’t going to lead anywhere, Kaitlyn shuts them all up by giving Nick the rose.
Nick’s reaction? He’s probz gonna fall in love with this girl if she keeps giving him roses. #fairytale
NEXT: Mr. and Mrs. Harris-Gosling
Okay, now we have finally made it to Shawn and Kaitlyn’s one-on-one, where she makes sure to take him on a date that requires a bathing suit. The two start things off by going kayaking, after which they find a place to sit and talk. Shawn speaks up in defense of Joshua, saying that he thinks some of the guys were just too scared to speak up last night. And no, Shawn still doesn’t like Nick. But if this process works out for the two of them, it will all be worth it.
Over dinner, Shawn reveals his big story: Five or six years ago, he was in a really bad car accident that landed him in the hospital for months. Getting emotional talking about it, he says how happy he is to be with Kailtyn right now. He then tells her that he’s falling in love with her and, breaking all the rules, Kaitlyn tells him that she feels the same way. She then tells us that it felt like “that was my husband telling me that he loved me for the first time.” To be fair, he said he was FALLING but whatever. He gets a rose!
Then the two of them canoe out to kiss and watch some fireworks, otherwise known as this show’s favorite exploding metaphor.
Back at the hotel, Ian can’t get over the fact that he’s flying under the radar FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE. Translation: For the hundredth time in his life.
“A lot of women like me,” says the guy who came on a reality TV show to try to find a woman. Apparently, Ian’s never had an issue being liked, because who wouldn’t want a Princeton graduate/former model that defied death AND has been around the world a couple of times AND will remind you of all of those things constantly?! Oh yeah, that’s a catch, ladies.
And you know things are bad when Nick sits next to Ian and suddenly Nick looks like the good choice. Basically, Ian is over Kaitlyn and already moving on to his next great idea: He wants to be the next Bachelor. Again, because he has no trouble finding women IRL and literally has to bat them away with a stick.
At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn makes the mistake of toasting to honesty, after which she takes Jared to her room and he tells her that he feels like he’s falling in love with her. (In other words, “I like you” still would’ve sufficed, Jared.)
Meanwhile, as Kaitlyn makes the rounds kissing everyone, Ian stares into a mirror and admires himself. Okay, not really, but he does talk about how Kaitlyn is making him look bad by not liking him and instead liking some of the “lames.” Yeah, you went to Princeton.
So while Ian lists all of his good qualities and calls himself an enigma—as true enigmas do—he gives us his Bachelor slogan: “Who I am is a gift you unwrap for life.” I know what you’re thinking: This guy must have a lot of sex with a lot of “chicks.” And yes, yes he does. (Again, according to him.)
Finally, when Ian comes face to face with Kailtyn he informs her that he cannot remain in a house full of fart jokes and—gasp!—movie quotes. All but calling Kaitlyn a basic bitch, he says that she’s “surface level,” and personally, he came here to meet the devastated girl Chris dumped. So imagine his surprise when he met the girl who wanted to get her field plowed (BUT NOT BY YOU!).
In other words, he was looking for a rebound chick and is bummed he found a strong woman who’s smart enough to NOT fall for him. After he accuses her of being here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV, he calls her shallow, and then … CLIFFHANGER.
Seriously, Bachelorette. You’ve got to stop with this.
So while we wait for next week—and the big bang!—I’m going to try and decide what my Bachelorette slogan would be. I promise that the word “unwrap” will not be included.