You know what I find enjoyable? How Clint’s facial expression literally never changes. Is he mad? Is he happy? Is he sane? We will never know! And you know what, I appreciate that. Thank you, Clint, for adding a dash of mystery to this season. Now get out of here.
Speaking of, we pick up where we left off, with Kaitlyn grabbing Clint—who’s feeling, much like JJ, “confident” going into the rose ceremony—to talk about what a jerk he is. And for those of you keeping a tally, Clint and JJ have grown “very, very, very, very close.” It’s a fact that Clint relays to Kaitlyn, because everyone knows that a way to a girl’s heart is to talk about how much you love one of her other “boyfriends.”
Not surprisingly, Kaitlyn is done with Clint and his struggle to overcome himself. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? So even though Kaitlyn “really, really, really, really” liked him, she’s done trusting this “smooth-talker.” But WAS he a smooth-talker though?
Inside, Kaitlyn takes Clint to say goodbye to the guys, where JJ lets his confidence get the best of him. In a moment that proves that actions speak louder than words—and that suit speaks louder than everything—JJ throws Clint under the bus, requesting an apology for “taking time and emotions.” Ugh, emotional energy theft is just the worst, amirite?
Just like that, Clint is done with JJ. So done in fact that he tells him to “nut up or shut up,” which I didn’t actually think was a thing that people said. And in a final conversation that has more bleeps than last week’s sex ed lesson, JJ and Clint break up. My favorite diss of this entire interaction? “Hey that tie goes really good with your shirt, you piece of s—.” And guess what? It cuts JJ deep.
As Clint rides away in the back of his minivan, JJ gives us the first Mesnick of the season … followed by the first slap of the season when he slaps himself in the face, calls himself an SOB, and tells himself to suck it up. None of those things should be considered red flags, though, guys. NBD. Let’s all just agree to look the other way, cool?
Back inside, Jared has decided to take over as the new Chris Harrison, officially declaring JJ and Clint’s breakup the most dramatic breakup ever. But their breakup only means one thing for us: JJ is still around. And unfortunately, when Kaitlyn decides to cancel the rose ceremony, it means that JJ is sticking around for at least another week.
Yeah, the fact that the guys aren’t excited—and the fact that JJ threw Clint under the bus—should both concern you, Kaitlyn. But instead, she calls it a night so that Chris Harrison can inform the guys that they are packing their bags to begin their journey around the world (a.k.a. the reason they all come on this show). First stop: New York City!
And you know who’s ready to go? JJ, because he’s looking for a GIRLfriend, not a boyfriend. Yeah, we get it.
Once the guys find themselves in their Times Square digs, the first date card arrives for Jonathan, Justin, Ben Z., Corey, Ryan, Tanner, JJ, and Shawn. So what’s the date? Well, in case you guys didn’t know this—which is totally fine if you didn’t because it’s been really subtle so far this season—Kaitlyn wants a man who can make fun of himself.
So she takes them all to meet Doug E Fresh and perform in rap battles for a live New York audience. Just to catch you all up, Kaitlyn would like to inform you that rap battles involve “insults and disses” and also “bragging.” Everybody good?
NEXT: JJ pisses off all of New York
Doug E Fresh lets the guys choose their opponents, and the line-up looks like this: Shawn vs. Justin, Corey vs. JJ, Ben Z. vs. Tanner, and Jonathan vs. Ryan.
While the guys prepare, we learn that JJ has—gasp!—never listened to rap. In a shocking twist, his wardrobe is less influenced by Doug E Fresh and more influenced by the Broadway showtunes he listened to “religiously” growing up. Oh, JJ. These producers owe you a beer for all of the gold that you’re giving them.
First on stage, Ben Z. knocks out Tanner with this line, “Even with steroids you won’t look like me.” Poor Tanner tries to retaliate with a joke about Ben’s “very tiny rocket,” but it’s so expected it doesn’t have any sort of real impact. Now, if this were a crowd full of college boys, it’d be another story.
Jonathan and Ryan, the two who claim to be the most equipped for this battle, are disappointing with lines about taking “yo ass back to Florida; she’s bored of ya” from Jonathan and Ryan talking about the group date “feeling like a bad episode of Kate Plus 8.” Did you just compare yourself to Kaitlyn’s children? In what way did that seem like a good idea?
Up next, Corey, showing just how much personality he packs in the “e” in his name, grabs a beanie and gets into character, making fun of JJ’s boat shoes and his “boyfriend Clint.” But it turns out, JJ doesn’t need anybody to make fun of him. He’ll shoot himself in the foot, by telling Corey to “go back to your NYC ho’s.” YOU’RE IN NYC, JJ. THEY WILL KILL YOU.
And I’m just going to drop this right here: JJ says he’s “never been up for anything as much as I’m up for this.”
Finally, Shawn and Justin take the stage, where Shawn wins at life by first making fun of Justin’s hair and then ending on this note: “You say you’re a big-time personal trainer. Kaitlyn, his body, my body, no brainer.” And cue the shirt lift! Yes, the Ryan Gosling/Calvin Harris comparisons have never made more sense than right now.
The saddest part of this whole thing? Justin calling this a “Ryan Gosling-Matt Damon feud.” Wait, Justin, honey, do you think you’re (one-time Sexiest Man Alive) Matt Damon?!
After the show, Kaitlyn runs back inside to see Ashley I., her new haircut, and her Kardashian-approved cleavage. But the real surprise is who came with Ashley: Nick Viall, otherwise known as the guy who once uttered the phrase “why did you make love with me?” on national TV to then-Bachelorette Andi Dorfman.
Apparently, after Kaitlyn was on The Bachelor, she and Nick connected over social media—because, you know, 21st century—and when he found out that she was going to be the Bachelorette, he knew he’d regret it if he didn’t try for his shot at love. But Kaitlyn tells Nick that she has to think things over before letting him on the show. Because have you seen Shawn’s abs?
Speaking of Shawn, in a beautiful moment for the editing team, Shawn talks about how he’s looking forward to the numbers of Kaitlyn suitors going down … when we know that they could be going up! #drama
NEXT: The return of Ashley S.!
At the group date, Kaitlyn runs the idea of bringing Nick in by the guys. This is the point at which Shawn starts questioning things, drinking, questioning things, and drinking some more. And to be fair, his abs do deserve better than this.
So while Tanner catches all the guys up on what a jerk Nick was to Andi, Kaitlyn goes to see Nick. Wasting absolutely no time, Kaitlyn and Nick share their first kiss, after which he says, “That was not un-fun.” And here you all thought romance was dead. Shakespeare would be proud.
Walking away, Kaitlyn still says she wants to think on things, but Justin’s support of whatever she decides earns him a rose.
Back at the hotel, the next date card goes to Jared, who is all shaved and excited when the rest of the guys return home and drop the Nick bomb on everyone. My favorite random description of Nick? The “really weird guy.” Honestly, that makes perfect sense to me.
Speaking of Nick, Kaitlyn wakes up the next day and calls him, asking him to stop by her hair appointment to talk in person. But before Nick gets there, Kaitlyn gets her hair done by none other than Ashley S.! According to Kaitlyn, Ashley S. is actually a “very intelligent person.” (I’m sure that cat at fake Mesa Verde would totally agree with you.)
Ashley instantly knows which guy Kaitlyn is talking about—Nick Vilal? Yep, nailed it, Ash. Kaitlyn claims they have crazy chemistry, but Ashley is dishing out words of wisdom like they’re paintball bullets. Ash explains the difference between love and lust, but Kaitlyn walks away from her appointment more confused than ever before. (Never could’ve seen that coming.)
Then, with her hair magically reverting back to a braid after her fancy appointment, Kaitlyn meets up with Nick, where he once again proves his smooth-talking skills by saying their kiss the other night “wasn’t terrible.” And with words like that, how is Kaitlyn supposed to resist?! So she doesn’t. She tells him that he can stay, but first, she’s got a date.
On a stormy night in the city, Kaitlyn and Jared meet up at the Met, where Jared is full of “amazings” and Kaitlyn can’t concentrate on a thing he’s saying, including something about a destination wedding? Did I just hear that?
But Kaitlyn blows right past all of the romantic talk to ask Jared his thoughts on the Nick situation, though they won’t say his name, so she gets his thoughts “about that.” Basically, Jared supports her and tells her to do what she has to do.
Meanwhile, at the hotel, the guys get another date card, this time for Ian, Chris, Joe, Joshua, and Ben H. The guys are ready to play, and as Joshua puts it, “To hell with the new guy who might show up.”
Back on the date, Jared writes Kaitlyn her first—and hopefully last—poem of the season, which earns him an immediate rose. The two of them then top off their night with a helicopter ride that makes Kaitlyn think that maybe she doesn’t need Nick after all. So are we going to tell Nick that or no?
I guess not, because waking up the next morning, Kaitlyn goes and tells the guys that Nick will be moving in with them later that night. Not surprisingly, the guys aren’t happy. As Ryan says, the situation is “annoying” and “silly.” In fact, Ryan says there are “a lot of adjectives I can probably pull.” (Really? Because based on “annoying” and “silly,” I’m doubting that.)
Regardless, the guys still have to move on and enjoy their date. As Ryan, the wordsmith, puts it, the guys shouldn’t allow their time to be “vampired” up by Nick. Don’t you hate when that happens?
NEXT: Cupcake meets Broadway
The day’s date takes the guys to Broadway—somebody alert JJ!—and more specifically, to Aladdin, where the show’s stars and associate director are going to put the guys through “legit” Broadway auditions. The winner will then be cast in tonight’s show and star opposite Kaitlyn for 1,800 people who paid way too much money to see two Bachelorette stars.
Starting with the dance portion of the audition, it’s no surprise that Joe—and everyone—sucks, but all the guys give it their all, particularly when they find out that the losers will be sent back to the hotel and miss out on the rest of the date. (Way to conveniently leave that detail out, Mr. Director.)
On to the singing portion, Ian looks like the frontrunner simply based on the fact that he can sort of sing, but it’s Chris who takes the cupcake—get it?—when he sings AND acts. Sure, he’s bad at both, but he’s the best of the worst, and on a show like The Bachelorette, that’s all you need to be.
So with the other guys sent home, Joe finally learns something: Yes, people do this every day and then other people come watch it. Welcome to Broadway, Joe! It’s a magical place!
Just like that, Chris and Kaitlyn prepare to perform
and insult Broadway actors everywhere. But don’t worry, Chris totally relates to his character being a street rat, because “I always go after the princess.” Quick, somebody get him Ashley I.!
With Kaitlyn’s tattoos showing, the two of them take the stage, where they’re ushered around for approximately 28 seconds, and then rushed off stage to make out … until a producer tells them to actually get the f— off the stage. But hey, at least their makeup looks good. (Can I get Chris’ color palette? It’s perfect combination for summer.)
The couple then climbs up “10 million” flights of stairs so that they can kiss next to the New Year’s Eve ball—a.k.a. the “centerpoint of the universe.” Finally, Chris gets the rose.
Sorry if I’m rushing, but Nick is currently on his way to the hotel! Well, that’s if he ever makes it past this Ann Taylor Loft. I know Times Square is crowded, but move it, Nick!
Nick then rides the world’s slowest elevator, finds the room, opens the door, and the show ends! Honestly? It’s the year of the cliffhanger, people, and we’re all in it together.
But it’s also the year of the Brady Bunch, and in our latest update, we learn that Brady asked Britt to be her girlfriend “a while ago,” and it’s been one of the most beautiful times of Brady’s life. Translation: They’ve been dating for three weeks, and Britt is ready to introduce Brady to her family. Next stop: Marriage!
So while we wait to find out what Joshua said when Nick walked through that door, I’m going to go see how long it takes me to walk past that Ann Taylor Loft store in Times Square. (And maybe I’ll apologize to all of Broadway while I’m down there.)