It’s official: This season of The Bachelorette is not wasting any time. By the end of week 3, two men have left of their own free will, two more will be sent home for being jerks, there have already been more blurred body parts than anyone could’ve anticipated, and at least one meaningful relationship has formed … between Clint and JJ. As Chris Harrison would say, it’s shaping up to be quite the “dramatic” and “historic” season, y’all.
Speaking of drama, let’s catch up with Kupah, who still hasn’t left the house after getting the boot. Furthermore, he hasn’t even set down his drink as he continues to yell at the producers, while the men in the house use their spidey senses to detect that Kaitlyn’s conversation with Kupah “didn’t seem to have went that well.” Oh, Ben Z. It’s a good thing you’re pretty.
Outside, Kupah isn’t doing much better than Ben when he finally stops yelling to tell the producers, “I’m upset right now. You should know that.” Thanks, Kup. If you hadn’t stated that, there’s no way we would’ve known. But now that you have, Kaitlyn’s going to come talk to you.
The instant Kupah sees Kaitlyn, he transitions from angry man to a child that just got sent to timeout. He snaps back to his inside voice, explaining to Kaitlyn that he doesn’t want to go home. He’d rather take his juice box and go back to his room. But Mama Kaitlyn is over this tempter tantrum. It’s time for Kupah to go
to boarding school home.
But don’t worry, Kupah has been dissed by “uglier girls.” (This is like when people say “I could care less.”) So close, Kup. So close.
Inside, Kaitlyn wipes away her tears and tells the guys that she sent Kupah home, to which Tony acts surprised. (Or maybe he was so zen he didn’t notice the drama?) Regardless, Kaitlyn asks the guys to speak up if they’re ever in a situation that they’re not okay with. And as Tony so loudly puts it, “Agreed.” Cool, now let’s send some more of you home, shall we?
At “rose ceremony the second,” according to Joshua, Kaitlyn keeps Jared, Ben H, Shawn B—there is only one, so why are we using the last name initial?—Jonathan, Tanner, Chris, Ryan, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe, Corey, and, for some reason, Tony.
Cut to Tony talking about his decision to step away from everything he loves to come here: He left his business, his dog, and his bonsai trees, so you know he’s serious. So why should Kaitlyn love him? Because he sees the world through the eyes of a child, he has the heart of a warrior, and he has the soul of a gypsy. And if those three things don’t add up to “the perfect guy,” then well, I don’t know what does.
The bottom line, ladies, is that Tony is here to make all of us at home think about what it is that we truly want. (Spoiler: Not a “healer.”)
As for the men leaving us this week, we say goodbye to Daniel and Cory. The lesson? When in doubt, spell Cory with an “e.”
The next day, we wake up to the greatest image anyone could ever hope for: Robe-clad, 400+ pound men riding bikes to the mansion. Everyone, meet Yama and Byamba, the sumo wrestling world champions. They’re here to wake the guys up with a gong—and beat them? what’s the stick for?—and teach them a few things. And yes, Yama weighs 600 pounds and is therefore the heaviest Japanese human being ever. (But like, how do they keep track of that?)
Shockingly, the arrival of Yama and Byamba has JJ feeling super confident because he loves Japanese culture. (And by Japanese culture, he means sushi.)
On the group date will be Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, and Shawn. Step 1: The guys have to get changed into their adult diaper-esque wrestling gear. And no, JJ, we all know you don’t really need an extra large.
Heading outside—so their date is at the house?—the guys remove their robes as we enter into the world of blurred body parts. And Kaitlyn is into it. According to JJ, who’s looking, everyone has a nice ass except for Tony. “I think Tony partied his ass off last night, because it’s nonexistent,” JJ says, clearly still not over the fact that he bombed during the comedy date. LET IT GO, JJ.
America Byamba vs. JJ