Welcome to week two, everybody! Now that we’ve made it past night one, we can get to the good stuff: date cards, in-house tension, and celebrity appearances. Also, judging everyone by their kissing ability! (Or is that just me?)
We start with the classic Bachelorette “waking up” shot, in which Kaitlyn—and her new eyebrows—hops out of bed covered in makeup and looking hotter than ever. Surprisingly, she doesn’t go work out in her sports bra. Instead, Chris Harrison comes over—what house is she in?—to call her out on kissing two people on the first night. But she doesn’t regret it. In fact, her motto this season is: “Don’t go stopping connections.” If she feels it, she’s going to act on it.
Back over at the house, Chris has officially been given the nickname “Cupcake,” and Tony is wearing an American flag vest. Do with that what you will. Also, Jonathan is still declaring himself Mr. Britt, and Joe is hung up on Brady’s super “cool” actions from night one.
Speaking of Brady, we finally get to see what happened when he showed up at Britt’s hotel, just moments after she hung up the phone with her mom. Okay, so we don’t really get to see anything other than Britt letting Brady in and him giving her a hug. So … that was worth the wait?
But enough about those two, because it’s time for the first date card of the season! Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Ben H., and Ben Z. are listed on a card that reads “I see this ending with a ring.” And no, we’re not talking about an engagement ring. Rather, because Kaitlyn loves us all, she’s chosen a date that requires the men to take off their shirts and literally fight for her.
As the guys enter the boxing gym, Kaitlyn explains that they are about to undergo a little bit of training—all the while someone who appears to be “A” stands ominously in the background. Don’t worry, it isn’t an evil high school bully. Instead, it’s Laila Ali. And she came prepared with a boxing-is-like-love speech: It requires focus, discipline, and commitment. (I’d just like to add that, other than that, boxing and love should be NOTHING alike.)
So while Kupah completely ignores Kaitlyn in favor of his training, Jared—and his cheekbones that seem to get sharper each week—takes the opportunity to get his flirt on. However, Kaitlyn seems to have her eye on Ben Z., mostly because she can’t not see him—the dude’s enormous. He’s definitely the guy to beat.
As the guys change, Kaitlyn does what any good future wife would do: She watches them undress. Then Ben Z and Kupah do some sort of high-five pushups. I don’t know the technical term, but it’s hot.
Now, it’s fight time! The winner of the tournament will take home a belt … and Kaitlyn’s heart. In other words, you won’t actually win anything apart from an ego boost. That’s worth potential bodily harm, right?
I feel like I can sum up most of these fights pretty quickly: Ben Z. and Jared—yes, Jared!—make their way through all of the other guys, with most every fight ending with someone throwing in the towel. (Apollo Creed would not approve.) Jared even takes out Kupah, until finally, the championship match is between sharp-cheeks Jared and huge-hunk-of-meat Ben Z.
And this is where things get less fun. After Jared takes a shot to the head, the fight ends with a trip to the hospital. Well, things get less fun for Jared. For the rest of us, the fun is just beginning.
At the evening portion of the date, Ben Z.—who literally didn’t even win any extra alone time for beating up a million dudes—finally tells Kaitlyn about his mom’s death. The two of them also bond over cooking and just generally are the cutest.
Kaitlyn then learns that Justin has the second worst baby name in Bachelor/Bachelorette history, with Aurelius falling right behind Kale.
NEXT: Clint gets the first one-on-one of the season
Then, in the middle of Kaitlyn learning about Daniel’s passion for design, she gets a note that tells her to come downstairs right away. And as much as I wanted it to be like some random fan, it was Jared. The doctor ordered him to rest, but he wrote his own prescription, and it was for some lovin’. Making a stop on the way to the hotel, Jared—in a pink shirt, gold shorts, and Converse—is more confident than ever as he pulls Kaitlyn in for a kiss. So whatever those doctors gave him, he’s going to need some more, like, every day of his life. Thanks.
Wait. I take that back. If he’s going to say stuff like, “my head may hurt but my heart has never felt better,” he clearly needs to stay off drugs.
Back at the house, JJ is feeling super confident. In fact, he’s so confident that he’s over-annunciating every word. Thank goodness there’s another date card to shut him up.
And the first one-on-one of the season goes to … Clint! But fear not. JJ, his slippers, and his red wine, are still super confident. (And if you’re wondering how he’s going to be feeling an hour from now, I’m betting it’s going to be “confident.”)
Back at the group date, Kaitlyn gives the rose to Ben Z., and the couple shares their first kiss. Well, their first and second and third kiss. Based on this connection, I’m betting this is the guy she sleeps with. (And can you blame her?)
Okay, from one hunk of meat—her words—to another, it’s time for Clint’s one-on-one. Kaitlyn all but comes right out and says that Clint’s drawing of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops got him this date, so he better not mess it up now. Also, can we talk about how everyone is tailing Kaitlyn on the highway? How slow is she going?
Once at their date, Kaitlyn reveals that they’re going to partake in something that is “all the rage” with engaged couples: an underwater photoshoot. Because engaged couples and couples on their first date are basically the same thing.
Gisele, the underwater photographer—I feel like it isn’t good for your career to limit yourself to one photographic specialty—takes them through what they’ll be doing and gets them to their wardrobe fitting. Why are we putting makeup on Kaitlyn before she gets in a pool? Why are they wearing beautiful clothes? This is so counter-intuitive to me.
Once dressed, Gisele—photographer/yogi/sex guru?—takes them through some breathing exercises to calm them before she tells them that this date will pretty much tell them whether they have any sort of chemistry. Basically, you either feel that connection with the other person or you have super shitty pictures. Good luck, guys!
But before they take the (literal) dive, let’s check in at the house, where Tony is pissed that the guys had to box each other, because this competition should NEVER lead to violence. As far as Tony sees it, love is selfless, and the road to finding it doesn’t start with men beating each other up. Translation: Tony is scared of getting another black eye.
Okay, back to the date. Long story short, their pictures suck … until Clink kisses Kaitlyn. Suddenly, the connection is there, the pictures are wonderful, and even when Gisele leaves, Clint can’t keep his hands off Kaitlyn.
Then, over dinner, Kaitlyn says she likes the fact that Clint, the architectural engineer, has his shit together. (Read: Is filthy rich) Then he gives a cheesy toast, and she returns the favor by giving him a rose. Although, Kaitlyn, I don’t think you can claim to have brought out his funny side when he showed up to the house with a drawing of Chris Harrison on a triceratops. He quite literally showed you his “funny” side before he showed you anything else.
Also, is it just me or could you all not date a guy named Clint? I mean, you slip up on his name, and there are two ways in which it could go badly.
NEXT: Amy Schumer > Everyone (but especially JJ)
That’s enough of Clint. Let’s get to date number three, in which JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Joe, and freakin’ Tony are invited to hang out with Amy Schumer! But before they do that, let’s hope that bathrobe-wearing Tony figures out that the Bachelorette is Kaitlyn and not Britt.
The first thing Amy Schumer says when she sees Kaitlyn is “I’m so glad it’s you.” Wait, so were they going to do this date even if it were Britt?! I need to know more.
By the time the guys arrive, Amy and Kaitlyn are sisters, and Kaitlyn has sort of agreed to let Amy sleep with two of them. But one of her picks definitely won’t be JJ, who’s so preppy he’s wearing his pink/purple shirt and blue blazer to the comedy club. NO ONE ELSE IS IN A BLAZER, JJ. Go home. You don’t even go here.
Within minutes, we have our second interrupting cow joke of the season, but in Ian’s defense, he knows how awful it is. JJ’s great joke? “What do you call a bull that’s sleeping? A bulldozer.” And yet, he’s still super confident!
Thankfully, Amy brings in Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein, and Bridget Everett to help the guys get their acts together. But the real highlight of this entire experience is watching Amy tear apart JJ, who’s too dumb to really even notice—even though he swears nobody gets his jokes because he’s “too smart for 90 percent of the audience.” Amy quickly informs him that he’s not smarter than anyone before calling him “a turd.” And as far as I’m concerned, anyone who tells Amy to wait “one sec” deserves to go home.
Then, when it’s time for the guys to take the stage, things actually go better than expected. Both Joshua and Chris get some decent laughs, but it’s really Tony who heals the hearts of the audience. Get it? (He’s a healer.)
First of all, before getting up on stage, a very drunk Tony says “I hope I don’t gag.” I CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP.
He then grabs the mic and starts giving his everyday speech about how humble and grateful he is and how he’s excited to show a lighter side to himself. He then proceeds to never show his lighter side. Instead, we just get to see his drunk side, as he chuckles to himself and, unfortunately, doesn’t accidentally say Britt’s name.
On part two of the date, Joshua and his huge welder hands that make him look like Wreck-It Ralph, reveals that he’s a love virgin who’s sick of only living with his two dogs who don’t talk back. Meanwhile, Tony continues his on-stage talk from earlier, identifying himself as both an asshole and a balanced, zen type. He’s also everything in between. Basically, he’s like the plot of a Christopher Nolan movie: You really shouldn’t spend much time trying to make sense of it.
Tony then chats with Kaitlyn and calls her a “combination lock” as opposed to a “key turn.” (I’m sorry, who is a “key turn” and why do I feel so offended by that statement?) But wait. Did he just turn his hand four times for that combination? So does that make her a super complicated lock? Seriously, Inception has nothing on this guy.
Okay, now it’s time for JJ to talk about his daughter and tear up over the fact that he already feels like he’s losing her. You know, because she has to go to preschool soon. She’s 3, JJ. If you’re already “losing her,” then maybe you should, I don’t know, buy her some sort of child harness so that she doesn’t run away at the toy store?
But Kaitlyn is so into daddy JJ that she doesn’t even notice that his pink/purple socks match his hideous outfit. Instead, she goes in for a kiss, which JJ describes as “the kind of kiss you have with someone you’ve kissed several times.” As far as I can tell, that means loud.
From one kiss to another, Joe takes Kaitlyn outside, leans her up against a nice brick wall, and kisses her before rocking her world with a little “well I’ll be,” which Kaitlyn thought they only said in the movies. Joe then reveals that had Kaitlyn gone home, he would’ve been her Brady and chased after her. Not surprisingly, that earns him another kiss.
But it doesn’t earn him a rose. Unfortunately, that goes to JJ.
NEXT: Kupah is not a troopa
Finally, we’ve made it to the cocktail party, where Kaitlyn appears to be wearing the same dress from night one, only this time with cutouts! Once she gets inside, I literally only have one thought: Who is glasses guy and why don’t we see more of him? Seriously, what’s his name?
Well, we won’t get to find out just yet, because before Kaitlyn can even raise a glass to the night, JJ—who already has a rose—steals her away in a power move that pisses everyone off … but especially Tony. JJ makes it clear to Kaitlyn that her husband wouldn’t just be sitting in the background, which is why he stole her away. Yes, thanks JJ, for telling Kaitlyn all about HER husband. That’s almost as helpful as last week, when you informed her that she wasn’t the mother of your child.
JJ then continues his winning streak by describing himself as “smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of I just talked to the girl and you didn’t.” Translation: Douche.
So while JJ tells everyone that this isn’t church camp and that he’s not here to make friends, Ian pulls Kaitlyn away from the drama to the spot where they first met. He then gives her his bio and tells her all about the car accident that almost cost him everything. And then he follows that with a kiss. All in all, it’s a very successful “first date.”
Update: Glasses guy is Ryan B., better known as “Hi, Disney princess.” Suddenly, he’s ruined for me all over again.
Inside, Tony and his ugly tie are still mad at JJ. According to Tony, JJ’s acting like he’s never seen a pretty girl before because he’s like, “I gotta eat it all.” CHOOSE YOUR WORDS, TONY.
And when JJ comes over and starts cracking jokes, Tony loses his shit. On his scale of asshole to Mr. Zen, Tony is fully on Team Asshole right now. He is not a fan of JJ disrespecting him. But believe it or not, Tony isn’t the one who causes the night’s drama.
Instead, Kupah decides that if his connection with Kaitlyn isn’t real, he wants to leave, because he isn’t interested in being “the minority guy who fills a quota,” which is fair. However, Kupah goes about relaying that thought to Kaitlyn in all the wrong ways. First, he accuses Kaitlyn of not getting to know him, which she responds to by telling him that he was the only guy who didn’t talk to her on the group date.
Apparently, unlike Kupah, Kaitlyn felt a connection the first time they talked, but for him, this conversation is the first time he’s feeling anything from her. (And what you’re feeling, Kupah, is anger.) Kupah is all “see me, Kaitlyn,” but with every word, she’s losing interest. For her, the connection she felt with him on night one just went away.
In panic mode, Kupah throws all the compliments he can think of her way—including the classic “you’re dope”—and she agrees to think things over … until Kupah decides to tell the guys all about their conversation and Kaitlyn overhears. Well, everyone overhears because Kupah is drunk and obviously screaming.
With that, she pulls him aside and tells him that it’s time for him to go. His response? “I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot.” And believe it or not, even their mutual love of movie quotes won’t save him now. So he says goodbye and leaves with his drink in hand.
However, when Kupah starts yelling at one of the producers about how this process doesn’t work for him and how he just wants to answer some questions and go home, Kaitlyn charges outside. She is not about to let this guy put his hands on one of the producers. If he’s Koopa Troopa, she’s Mario and she’s about to kick his ass.
I’ve never liked her more than in this moment, so of course, that’s where the show is going to end. Well, almost.
Last but not least, we get a Brady Bunch update: For a little over a week, Brady and Britt have hung out every day. They enjoy piggy backs, eating ice cream, and kissing against brick walls. They also enjoy making it “official” and adding another b word to their relationship: boyfriend.
So, with Kaitlyn charging out the front doors of the mansion and Britt finding happiness, our fun ends for the week. I will see you all next week. For now, I’m going to raid my closet, and if there’s anything that JJ would even remotely like, it’s going in the trash. Yep, I’m feeling pretty “confident” about that decision.