Well, Bachelorette fans, it’s officially time to find out which lady we’re going to both be rooting for and judging harshly—in equal measure—for the rest of the season. And when I say it’s time, I mean that you’ll find out after Chris Harrison tortures the ladies a bit, because his definition of “I’ll get right to it” means that he’ll talk around it for a solid 30 seconds before actually revealing anything.
But reveal he does, when he goes to Britt and informs her that she will not be the Bachelorette. That’s right! For the first time in the history of the world, a knock-knock joke has proven a successful method of seduction! Someone alert the press!
But you know what? Britt handles herself pretty well. Chris Harrison walks her out—something about Harrison getting to put a woman in a limo just made me really want to watch him as Bachelor—where she thanks him for the opportunity … and then once in the limo, her cry face comes out. Where are those tissues Tanner gave her when you need them?
[Insert super depressing limo thoughts here.] Honestly, can you imagine how good these limo drivers must feel about their lives once they drive a fallen contestant home? It doesn’t get much more dramatic than a beautiful woman asking, “What can I do differently?” Chin up, Britt! For the love of God, I could shower twice a day and still not look like you.
And now we get to the fun part: Chris goes to Kaitlyn and informs her—in a very Ryan Seacrest-esque move—that he “unfortunately…had to send Britt home.” Yes, Kaitlyn. You’re the Bachelorette! Again, another classy reaction as Kaitlyn, who’s clearly excited, asks if Britt is okay before fully freaking out. And then Chris Harrison calls her “sweet girl” and my heart explodes.
The bad news? Kaitlyn now has to survive a rose ceremony, because as Harrison puts it, “You’re the Bachelorette. That’s your job.” Damn, Chris. Dropping truth bombs like it’s YOUR job. But hey, life is full of harsh realities, so after Kaitlyn calls her mother and freaks out, she prepares for her big reveal. (P.S. Is there anything cuter than her mother saying, “Go meet our future son-in-law”?)
Inside, it’s like a scene from Scandal as the men are sweating through their suits waiting to find out if their candidate won the election. And when Kaitlyn walks into the room, the reactions are priceless. Shawn B. and Ian win for most excited, whereas Jonathan and Brady look like they’ve just seen a ghost. (The ghost of their relationships with Britt, that is.)
Only now can Kaitlyn’s journey really begin. And she kicks it off with a few Britt-lovers lying to her face—I’m looking at you, Tony and Jared—before Joshua takes her aside and gives her the rose that he built for her. As Kaitlyn puts it, the fact that he welded it out of steel and was all “I’m a man” is hot. (I sincerely hope he said “I’m a man” over and over to himself as he made that.)
But a steel rose isn’t the only one Kaitlyn will be getting tonight. Chris Harrison wastes no time in entering the room with the first impression rose. Yes, Tony, that’s LIKE the first impression rose. What, you couldn’t sense its pulsating energy?
Speaking of Tony, he’s currently enjoying some alone time by the fire as he mourns his beautiful connection with Britt. It’s in this moment that he compares Kaitlyn to a drinking fountain … and the men are all just standing in the same line. And to think, BRADY’s the songwriter!
So while Tony contemplates digging his own well, Jared decides to be the only honest Britt-lover in the house. He tells Kaitlyn the truth about his vote, and she instantly loves his honesty. According to him, he still wants to stick around. But will his vote be Love Man’s kryptonite? I know, I already hate myself for that comment.
NEXT: “Can’t judge a book by its cupcake”
And then there’s Brady, who simply can’t process all of the emotions he’s experienced in the past 24 hours—a.k.a. how long they’ve been at this house. What is he supposed to do with all of these feelings? Guys, whatever is this singer-songwriter supposed to do?!
Okay, now we need to talk about JJ, because this Britt-lover is quickly making his way into Kaitlyn’s heart. After revealing that he has a 3-year-old daughter, whom he tells Kaitlyn is “not your own, obviously.” Yes, thank you, JJ. Women often give birth to children and then totally forget it ever happened.
Anyway, the daughter thing seems to work for Kaitlyn, who instantly takes JJ more seriously and tells him that he’s suddenly become more attractive to her than she ever thought he would be. In other words, you’re not all that physically attractive, but the single father thing is working for you, my friend.
But JJ isn’t the only guy making Kaitlyn feel things. Remember Chris? The dentist who showed up in a cupcake? Well, as his profession dictates, he’s a big fan of mouths, and right now he’s putting his mouth all over Kaitlyn’s. We have our first kiss of the season! But really, do we think he was secretly checking for cavities?
Inside, as the men watch Chris and Kaitlyn make-out, Tony makes my soul die a little bit with this: “Can’t judge a book by its cupcake.” THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE, TONY. GO DIG A WELL.
Finally, it’s time for the first impression rose, and it’s no surprise that it’s going to Shawn B., Kaitlyn’s “love at first sight.” Because she has eyes, she’s hella attracted to him, and she’d like to get to know him better (cough, see him shirtless). After accepting the rose, Shawn lands the second kiss of the season, and it’s one that gives Kaitlyn all those “stupid butterfly feelings.” (Sorry, Chris.)
At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn is in desperate need of a Scarlett B to pin on all the Britt-lovers, but the Bachelorette moves forward regardless. Moving on to next week, we have Chris, Ben H., JJ, Joe, Kupah, Daniel, Ryan B. JoshUA, and for some reason, Tony.
At this point, Brady steps forward and asks to speak with Kaitlyn, where he tells her that he’s got Britt on the brain, and he can’t shake her. (I know the feeling: How does she get her lipstick to stay on all night? I’ll never understand.)
So instead of wasting Kaitlyn’s time, he’s going to pat Chris Harrison on the shoulder to get Britt’s hotel information, and go sweep his woman off her feet. (Spoiler: By the time Brady gets to her hotel room, Britt has changed her clothes, but she hasn’t stopped crying. And no, she definitely hasn’t showered.)
Kaitlyn then resumes the rose ceremony, giving roses to Clint, either Cory or Corey, Jonathan, the other Cory/Corey, Ben Z., Tanner, Ian, Justin, and Jared. That means it’s goodbye for David, Shawn E.—who might actually suck, just like Ryan M. said—Bradley, and Josh’s body roll.
And we’re off! From the looks of the preview, this season is going to get hot and heavy real quick, and I’m not even referring to the return of Nick “why did you make love with me” Viall. Instead, I’m referring to the fact that Kaitlyn has sex with someone and from what I could tell, she doesn’t wait until the fantasy suite.
So while we wait for the drama to unfold, I’m going to go weld something and see if I get the overwhelming urge to yell, “I’m a man” during the process. Stay tuned…