I’d like to officially welcome all of you to the Men Tell All, the one show every year where the forgettable contestants try to prove that they actually exist and were a vital part of the show. I’m looking at you Corey with an “e.”
First, we are re-introduced to the guys:
Ryan M.: The drunkard from night one who’s clearly going through a Justin Bieber phase
Tony: “Why can’t we all just go to the zoo?!”
Cory: The one without an “e”
Ian: The jackass
Kupah: The one who yells
Corey: The slightly more memorable one with an “e”
Joshua: The welder whose hair has recovered from that time Kaitlyn buzzed half of it off
Jonathan: The Britt-voter
Clint 2.0: The new model comes with facial hair!
Justin 2.0: The new model comes with (Shawn-approved?) long hair!
JJ: Mr. Confident. (But did he and Clint plan the facial hair?)
Tanner: He made that one good joke in Ireland
Joe: He has an accent
Chris: The dentist who loves that red blazer
Ben Z.: The large, lovable hunk
Jared: The sweet guy who struggles with facial hair
Ben H.: The next Bachelor?
It seems Ben H. and Jared texted each other and decided to rock the “barely there” goatee. Also, where’s the other Ryan? I didn’t make him up, right? He had glasses!
We start things off with a Bachelor in Paradise trailer, because this summer, you only get six days of vacation before your next addiction begins. All you need to know about the trailer itself is that Ashley I. says this: “Jared’s definitely hot enough to be my first.” So yes, she’s still talking about being a virgin. And apparently — read: hopefully — this means Jared shaves in paradise.
Okay, but seriously? Whose brilliant idea was it to pair Joe and Becca together for this Clorox ad? I can just hear the conversation now:
“Let’s make sure we use contestants who people probably forgot about by this point.”
“Okay, but only if they have very little inflection and almost no facial expression.”
“And don’t let them make eye contact.”
“And have Joe say ‘one and dung.’”
Genius, guys. Well played.
Back to the show: Oh no, the refresher montage just showed Chris in the same blazer he’s wearing tonight. Is this more or less embarrassing than the time he nearly committed suicide off the side of a cliff?
Okay, finally getting things on track, we’re kicking things off on a conversation about Ian. And Tanner, talking more than he ever did on the show, calls Ian out on his anti-social ways. Fun fact: Tanner made “a ton” of friends in the house. “Looks like Princeton needs to teach a class on how to not be an asshole.” Good one, Tan Tan. (I bet that’s what his “ton” of friends call him.)
This is where forgettable guy no. 2 chimes in: Corey says he agrees with the content of what Ian said to Kaitlyn, which leads Ben H. to leap to Kaitlyn’s rescue, speaking for all of us when he asks Corey, “How many weeks were you there?” YEAH.
NEXT: Ian’s back and still not going to be the Bachelor anytime soon