I’d like to officially welcome all of you to the Men Tell All, the one show every year where the forgettable contestants try to prove that they actually exist and were a vital part of the show. I’m looking at you Corey with an “e.”
First, we are re-introduced to the guys:
Ryan M.: The drunkard from night one who’s clearly going through a Justin Bieber phase
Tony: “Why can’t we all just go to the zoo?!”
Cory: The one without an “e”
Ian: The jackass
Kupah: The one who yells
Corey: The slightly more memorable one with an “e”
Joshua: The welder whose hair has recovered from that time Kaitlyn buzzed half of it off
Jonathan: The Britt-voter
Clint 2.0: The new model comes with facial hair!
Justin 2.0: The new model comes with (Shawn-approved?) long hair!
JJ: Mr. Confident. (But did he and Clint plan the facial hair?)
Tanner: He made that one good joke in Ireland
Joe: He has an accent
Chris: The dentist who loves that red blazer
Ben Z.: The large, lovable hunk
Jared: The sweet guy who struggles with facial hair
Ben H.: The next Bachelor?
It seems Ben H. and Jared texted each other and decided to rock the “barely there” goatee. Also, where’s the other Ryan? I didn’t make him up, right? He had glasses!
We start things off with a Bachelor in Paradise trailer, because this summer, you only get six days of vacation before your next addiction begins. All you need to know about the trailer itself is that Ashley I. says this: “Jared’s definitely hot enough to be my first.” So yes, she’s still talking about being a virgin. And apparently — read: hopefully — this means Jared shaves in paradise.
Okay, but seriously? Whose brilliant idea was it to pair Joe and Becca together for this Clorox ad? I can just hear the conversation now:
“Let’s make sure we use contestants who people probably forgot about by this point.”
“Okay, but only if they have very little inflection and almost no facial expression.”
“And don’t let them make eye contact.”
“And have Joe say ‘one and dung.’”
Genius, guys. Well played.
Back to the show: Oh no, the refresher montage just showed Chris in the same blazer he’s wearing tonight. Is this more or less embarrassing than the time he nearly committed suicide off the side of a cliff?
Okay, finally getting things on track, we’re kicking things off on a conversation about Ian. And Tanner, talking more than he ever did on the show, calls Ian out on his anti-social ways. Fun fact: Tanner made “a ton” of friends in the house. “Looks like Princeton needs to teach a class on how to not be an asshole.” Good one, Tan Tan. (I bet that’s what his “ton” of friends call him.)
This is where forgettable guy no. 2 chimes in: Corey says he agrees with the content of what Ian said to Kaitlyn, which leads Ben H. to leap to Kaitlyn’s rescue, speaking for all of us when he asks Corey, “How many weeks were you there?” YEAH.
NEXT: Ian’s back and still not going to be the Bachelor anytime soon
But everyone, hold up. Ian’s going to let you finish in a minute. Right now, he needs to stand up, remove his jacket, and get down on his knees in front of all of the guys to apologize. Yes, because this is what sincerity looks like.
Ian claims that he’s sorry and that the things he said on the show were not representative of the man he is. He’s down on his knees to say sorry to the guys, and to AMERICA. Also, to Kaitlyn’s mother because “my mother is the only family I have.” So it’s about you again? Cool. Great apology, dude.
But the guys seem to buy it. Ian gets a hug from JJ, but before Tanner can help him up — seriously, sit back down. Ian’s not done — he’d like to say one more thing: This is who he is. (A man who lives on his knees? Someone who’s not very good at apologies? Someone who’s fake?)
Various men shake Ian’s hand as he returns to his seat, but within moments, we’ve moved to another controversy: Clint. Apparently, Clint was liked in the house in the beginning until he flipped his “pompous and arrogant” switch.
Clint’s defense? That he’s totally and 100 percent straight. He loves women.
So, now that that’s out of the way, he’d like to clarify that he spent time with JJ because he felt comfortable with JJ and found him interesting. He didn’t ever think their conversations were exclusionary.
Before the guys can all team up on Clint — take that as you will — JJ jumps in to defend his friend: Whatever Clint did, JJ did as well. JJ admits that the “villains gotta vill” stuff was all tongue-in-cheek, but their four hours together in the hot tub was where they talked about their families. As JJ puts it, there was “a lot of meat to that relationship,” which for the record, no one ever doubted.
All jokes aside, I’m stealing Clint’s phrase “the depression mobile.” So when you think about it, it was all worth it.
Oh wait, I’m sorry. Did you all want to hear more about JJ and Clint? Because Kupah’s here and he’s not getting enough attention. So he’d like to talk about Nick. You know, the thing that went down after he was kicked off the show?
Meanwhile, I’d like to talk about the fact that Kupah has fastened his tie around his neck as opposed to the collar of his shirt. What has happened to you, man? The one good thing about you was your style.
And so begins the back and forth about whether Kaitlyn should’ve let Nick on the show. As Joshua puts it, Nick wasn’t the problem. It was that Kaitlyn had previously said that she saw her husband in the room. However, most of the guys seem to support Kaitlyn’s decision to turn over every rock. But again, if you wanted to hear more on the subject, get over it, because Chris Harrison is determined to give us all whiplash. To the hot seat!
First up in the hot seat is JJ … as Clint licks his lips unknowingly in the background. Here are the highlights:
On slapping himself in the face: Somebody needed to do it.
On throwing Clint under the bus: He made a mistake and regrets it every day.
On what happened to his relationship with Kaitlyn: They started strong and lost momentum.
On his bromance messing up his chances with Kaitlyn: But they talked about Kaitlyn, like, the most of anything. (When they weren’t talking about #sports! Did they mention that they’re straight?)
On his regrets: Bringing in his “hockey locker room” brand of humor and “ribbing” on the guys too early. It didn’t go over well and he regrets not being more sensitive.
On what’s next: Bachelor in Paradise because we’re all so very #blessed.
NEXT: The Bens weigh in
Up next in the hot seat is Ben Z., “a mountain of a man with a really tender heart,” according to Chris Harrison. And if you’re anything like me, this next interaction will make you love Ben Z. more than anything he’s ever done.
Chris, reacting to the women cheering: “You may not make it out of here.”
Ben Z.: “I might not.”
May vs might, guys. It’s sexy when you use it correctly.
So let’s run through the rest of his highlights:
On what went wrong with Kaitlyn: Remember that time Kaitlyn took Ben on a date where she forced him to give her a fake eulogy (despite the fact that he’d told her about his own mother’s death)? Yeah, that pretty much ruined things.
On whether he’s cried yet: No. (Riveting, I know.)
Next up: Jared. After reminding him of that time he called himself Love Man — what should probably be one of his biggest regrets — Harrison grills him.
On how hard it is to watch that back: It’s hard. (Thanks, Chris.)
[Observation: I’ve decided Jared and Kaitlyn got “intimate” during their road trip, which Jared says was followed by a “great night.”]
On getting rid of the spotty beard: We all have Chris Harrison to thank.
On what’s next: Bachelor in Paradise, where he might sleep with Ashley I.?!
The last person in the — let’s be real — barely tepid seat: Ben H.
On feeling unlovable: Yes, it’s really a fear of his.
“You guys really loved each other.” Chris Harrison, on fire!
On that moment in San Antonio: He and Shawn were roommates when Kaitlyn paid them an off-camera visit. For some reason, Ben was on a cot and Shawn was in a king-sized Bed — symbolic of Kaitlyn’s love for them — and they all three talked for six hours.
When a handler came in to tell them it was almost time to catch a flight, they hid Kaitlyn by throwing a blanket over her — I’m now dying to hear what that handler was thinking — and then when Ben hopped in the shower is when Kaitlyn told Shawn he was the one. From then on, Ben felt like an outsider.
Although ultimately, Ben thinks his relationship with Kaitlyn grew from all of it.
NEXT: Kaitlyn changed her hair
The hot seat’s final butt — feeling super elegant today, guys — is Kaitlyn herself, who says a hello to Ryan M. — who remembers her! — before getting serious.
Let’s just say that Kaitlyn has received her fair share of hate from fans, and cyber bullying is never okay. Neither are death threats. Chris reads aloud some of the more disturbing tweets Kaitlyn has received. After, Kaitlyn receives a standing ovation from the room, and Harrison saves the day with this one: “I will take you as a role model for my kids over anybody who would be a cyber bully and spew that kind of hate.”
Also, if I were you Kaitlyn, I wouldn’t worry about someone who doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re.
Now to the guys: Jared once again brings up the road trip and how he left there “on cloud 9.” (Yeah, they had sex.) But Kaitlyn informs him that having a cocktail party wouldn’t have changed anything for him on the night he went home. They would’ve needed more time than that to save their relationship.
She does say that she wishes she knew on the road trip “because I would’ve taken that date differently.” (In other words, she wouldn’t have slept with him.)
Meanwhile, Ben H. is curious why she told Shawn about her night with Nick but not him. Basically, it’s because she was more serious about her relationship with Shawn, but she says something about how Shawn had expressed that truth was important to him. She then apologizes for not telling Ben.
When Jonathan tries to question Kaitlyn’s decision to bring on Nick she — very sweetly — reminds him that he voted for Britt so of all people, he should understand exploring connections.
And because no one asked for it … here’s Corey again! He wants to know what if one of the guys had brought on a girl they were talking to prior to the show. “Would that be fair?” Um, NO, Corey. Do you get how this show works? That’s an awful example. Also, she didn’t bring Nick on. He came on his own and she said yes.
But Tanner wants to know why, when she was in a room full of guys, she only asked Shawn how he felt about the Nick thing. (Again, because she likes Shawn best. Are you guys paying attention?)
I’ll let Kaitlyn end this one: “You guys, try and date this many people at one time and don’t make a mistake and have it all televised. I dare you. It’s hard.”
Elsewhere, Ryan is still horned up, though he does replace the rose he threw on night one. Then, when Kaitlyn tries to get in on the JJ-Clint joke, it’s clear she’s a little too late. THEY’RE STRAIGHT. WE GET IT.
Finally, Ian gets down on his knees again … until his hamstring cramps — is someone not keeping up with their impressive running regimen? —and he apologizes by giving her a note and telling her that he’s humble. You know, like humble people always say.
Apparently, he gave her notes every week but the show cut it out. Quick: How many of those notes do you think included the word “deep”?
From there, we cut to the blooper reel, which features Joe pissing in the woods moments before Kaitlyn broke up with him, and Amy Schumer calling JJ “Colonel Sanders.” (Everyone go see Trainwreck NOW.)
And that’s pretty much the show if you add Joe wearing a pigeon mask and Kaitlyn finally explaining how she can have bird tattoos: “I can’t see them!”
So while we all count down the days to the “unforgettable season finale” that we’ll forget the following day, I’m going to find out what happened to Tony. I mean, how are his plants? Has he been to the zoo? How is he feeling?!