Alright, who’s ready for a totally non-threatening confrontation?! Because it’s about time for us to catch up with Nick and Shawn as they sort of raise their voices at each other while staying seated a full 20 feet apart. But don’t worry, the excitement won’t stop there, because then we get two full hours of people dancing around using the word “sex,” you know, because that would be too far for this show.
Picking back up on Enniskillen Island — a honeymoon locale if I’ve ever heard one — Shawn and Nick are continuing their seated confrontation, where they might as well be saying, “No, you’re manipulative, arrogant, and cocky!” “No, you are!”
Things get slightly more interesting when Nick says his two favorite words to Shawn — Eskimo brothers — but Shawn decides that Nick is an inconsiderate bleep, claims he wasn’t bragging about anything, and then gets up and walks away with his amazing tight T-shirt, leaving Nick and his stupid Irish sweater alone.
Seriously, somebody needs to teach these two what a fight looks like. The first rule of confrontation club is, I don’t know, standing?
Heading from Cork to Galway, Kaitlyn is focused on her overnight date with so-hot-it’s-ridiculous Ben, whose tight pants and dorky sweater confirm what Kaitlyn says about Mr. Let’s-talk-all-night: He’s definitely not a player.
According to Kaitlyn, Ben is “easy and nice,” because those words just shout “I’m falling in love.” (Also, sadly for Kaitlyn, Ben doesn’t seem to be “easy.”)
And if anything ever said “friend zone,” it’s the fact that Ben and Kaitlyn have matching Irish sweaters … and not on purpose. Sorry, Ben. But hey, at least you get to ride a horse named Archie. As for Kaitlyn, Chip will be the only thing she’s riding today. (I’m just going to see myself out now.)
On their romantic date, the two of them ride their horses through a field of
dreams donkeys, where Kaitlyn thinks the donkeys are chasing her — because that’s more logical than the fact that they’re chasing the bucket of food you’re holding.
Regardless, she enjoys Ben’s “calming presence” as they have a picnic outside of a castle designed by the architect responsible for Buckingham Palace. They talk about life, and Ben decides that starting a life together sounds “fun.”
Flash-forward to dinner inside the beautiful castle, and Ben shows up wearing the male version of Kaitlyn’s daytime sweater. But isn’t it exciting to be in a castle that’s filled with “200 years of love”? (And probably torture, betrayal, enslavement, etc.) Who’s ready for dinner?!
After Ben raises a glass to Kaitlyn, he decides to tell her something crazy: He turned 26 on this show! Yes, birthdays are SO crazy. It’s almost as if they don’t happen every year.
But the twist is less about the day and more about the fact that Ben didn’t tell Kaitlyn because she’s about to turn 30 and he didn’t know if age was an issue for her. Guess what? It’s not. Can we move on now?
The couple shares a trip down memory lane, remembering all three of their dates together before Kaitlyn decides they’re “so cute” and Ben calls her “unique” because he’s great at compliments.
Alright, I hope you guys are ready for some all-night talking, because we’re headed to the fantasy suite! Well, only after Ben finishes reading his note from Chris Harrison. Oh god, he’s one of those people who takes long pauses at commas when reading out loud. Shoot me now.
Ben informs Kaitlyn that it totally sucks that she’s dating other people, but he’s falling for her, so yes, he’s ready for the “best sleepover ever.” (Kaitlyn and Ben have very different definitions of what that means.)
The next morning, Kaitlyn reveals that she only got a half hour of sleep — so Ben told at least five stories — but her big takeaway from the night is that she didn’t expect to fall in love with Ben. So sweet, right?
NEXT: Shawn gets naked
But that’s enough of that, because Kaitlyn has to go meet Shawn in his second tight T-shirt of the show. Sadly, though, Kaitlyn makes him change into a pink polo and blue pants because she’s going to take him golfing. So Ben got a castle and Shawn gets a golf course? Seems fair.
But Shawn is into it, even though he looks like an idiot and Kaitlyn is dressed in the world’s cutest golf outfit. Cue the “golf is a lot like love” speech, in which Shawn says it’s “something you can do until you’re old and gray.” Because, you know, old people can love too.
Before teeing off, Kaitlyn and Shawn make a deal: If she wins, she gets whatever she asks for. And if he wins, she gets whatever she asks for. Shawn agrees … because he might look like an idiot right now, but he’s not that big of an idiot.
The good news is that golf is apparently a turn-on for Shawn; it’s on his “checklist for wife material,” unlike Ben. The bad news: At one point, Shawn calls her “kiddo.” NOT YOU TOO.
But Kaitlyn quickly brings things back to an inappropriate adult level with a game of truth or dare. Fresh out of her high school playbook, she wins and dares Shawn to streak “full-blown nakey” around the green … where there’s literally no one else. So basically, he just has to be okay with getting naked in front of her and the producers. The stakes could not be lower.
Okay, I might actually approve of this dare now, because Shawn’s naked. I’m completely ignoring that he was basically wearing biking pants as underwear, and I’m choosing instead to focus on counting his abs. (Seems to be an even six.)
Earning himself his very own black box — but is it bigger than Jillian’s?! — Shawn sinks a putt with one hand and then chases after Kaitlyn as she runs off with his clothes. Can’t you just see them doing this in 50 years?
Alright, it’s time for dinner, where Kaitlyn claims that Shawn needs to put his clothes on so that they can have a serious conversation. (And then take them off again.)
Entering dinner to what I swear is the soundtrack of Titanic, dinner starts off full of laughing and smiling and all of Buddy the Elf’s favorite activities. But Kaitlyn doesn’t let that last for long. Instead, she decides to ask why Shawn hates Nick — which she follows by “I hate to bring up Nick with Shawn.” CLEARLY.
Shawn updates Kaitlyn, telling her that he went to Nick’s place to talk to him about how he doesn’t believe that he’s fully here for Kaitlyn and walked away after Nick tried to make some crazy allegations.
Oh, like that Eskimo brothers thing? Because he told Katilyn that, too. And now, Shawn is pissed. However, I will give Kaitlyn points in this situation, because when Shawn goes to explain what happened “that night,” she stops him, telling him that he doesn’t need to explain it to her.
Shawn, however, loses points when he claims Nick is acting like a “16-year-old GIRL.” Really? Because I happen to think he’s acting like a pretty stereotypical MAN.
In a moment of total honestly, Shawn then tells Kaitlyn that he won’t lose any sleep if she ends up with Nick, because that just means they weren’t meant to be. Staying level-headed, Kaitlyn sees his point, but she thinks this is probably a conversation meant for the off-camera environment of the fantasy suite.
They then head into their suite, where she puts a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door and explains that “this night off-camera is HUGE.” No comment.
The next morning, Shawn walks away in his sweats — why doesn’t he have a backpack like Ben did? — only to find Nick waiting outside his room. Apparently, Nick feels that he was “talked at” when Shawn came to his room, and now, he’s hoping to have a “man-to-man” conversation.
But once inside, Shawn slightly steps up his confrontation game. Yes, they’re both still sitting, but at least Shawn tells Nick that if he hears his name come out of Nick’s mouth one more time with Kaitlyn, it’s “not gonna be pretty.”
And cue Nick’s comeback, which consists of him repeating “Are you threatening me?” for the rest of the conversation. As for Shawn, he’s done with Nick and tells him to get the “f—” out of his place. Round 2 goes to Shawn. (Round 1 went to no one, because it was an all-around embarrassment.)
Outside, Nick is still hung up on the fact that Shawn threatened him. He also didn’t appreciate Shawn expressing that he spent an entire day and night with Kaitlyn. Well, it is overnight date week…
NEXT: And then there were two
Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison checks in on Kaitlyn, where she decides that Nick is intense, Ben is fun, and Shawn is both. For Shawn, her main concern is his jealousy. And for Nick, it’s whether they could last long-term. As for Ben, well, has she mentioned how good looking he is? Then she says the six words that mean Ben’s going home: “Ben would make a great husband.” Yeah, that sentence is always followed by an implied “for someone else.”
Walking into the room for the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn is so thrown off by the fact that both Nick seems to have lost his razor — is being hairy an intimidation tactic? — that she walks right back out in tears.
Okay, so she really left because she’s freaking out that she has to send someone home, but it just as easily could’ve been the facial hair. Or Ben and Nick’s ugly suits.
Harrison finds her and encourages her with this lie: “This is the hardest decision you’ve probably ever had to make in your entire life.” Do you know her life, Harrison? Because breaking up with someone might not be the hardest decision she’s ever made. Can you imagine if he had said that to Sophie?!
After gathering herself, Kaitlyn gives out two roses to Nick and Shawn. Ben then gets a “pleasure” from Nick and a “love you, buddy” from Shawn. So it’s no surprise Ben looks back on his way out and gives Shawn a little #TeamShawn sign.
Outside, Kaitlyn continues to send home the world’s nicest men. Sitting down, she lovingly tells him, “I’m, like, gripping your hand right now.” He knows, honey. It’s HIS hand.
She knows that he will find the best girl in the world — but will it be as the Bachelor?! — and she’s frustrated that it’s not her. But Ben takes it like a champ and admits that he will miss her. Also, she looks great tonight.
In the van, Ben says he’s leaving here a changed person. And yet, he can only be so changed, because he might be the first person in Bachelor/ette history to buckle his seatbelt on his rejection ride. Bye, precious Ben.
Back inside, Kaitlyn toasts to meeting both Nick’s and Shawn’s families this week before leaving them alone in a room for one minute and one second of awkward silence. Aren’t you so happy you just watched 61 seconds — I counted — of men grunting and adjusting their pants? I learned so much.
We then pick things up in Utah — because this show literally could not care less and is really only worried about budget — where Shawn and Nick’s families will be flown in to meet Kaitlyn.
First up is Nick, who tells Kaitlyn that ever since they started talking, she’s been the best part of his day. Comparing her to his experience with Andi, he tells her that he had some questions about his relationship last time. But this time, he doesn’t have any reservations about their relationship. Just as Nick gets emotional and is enjoying this great moment, Kaitlyn looks away. He literally just said “I am totally in love with you more than I can even say in words” to her cheek. Ah, romance.
Inside, Nick’s family is incredibly hesitant that Nick is doing this again. His mom is already crying before Kaitlyn even meets them. And now Nick’s sister, Bella, is crying! WAY TO GO, MOM.
Outside, Kaitlyn feels like she might vomit, and she doesn’t even know that people are already crying inside. But once she enters, things only get better: Nick teaches Kaitlyn the Carlton dance — an image I never want to see again — and Nick informs the family that he’s one of the final two.
With that, Kaitlyn begins the family tour, first impressing sister Maria before having a great conversation with Nick’s three brothers about how Nick over-analyzes things and she lives in the moment, so together, they’re perfect. You know what’s not perfect? Kaitlyn’s comment about how all of Nick’s brothers come together to “form like a super Nick.” Yes, because that’s what America needs.
Then, Kaitlyn takes on the infamous interrogator, Nick’s littlest sister Bella, who warms up the conversation by asking about Vancouver, before she dives right in: Do you love Nick? Of course, Kaitlyn can’t answer that, but she says she loves the person he is and and uses “a lot” until Bella seems satisfied. (Bella has gotten softer with another year of age.)
Handing out the coveted Bella stamp of approval, Bella says she could see Kaitlyn as her sister-in-law. “It’d be fun and stuff,” she says. Quick! Someone give her a dictionary before she ends up with Nick’s vocabulary!
Talking with Nick’s mom, Kaitlyn explains that they bring out each other’s goofy side, and mom very subtly asks Kaitlyn not to break his heart again. She then sits down with Nick and lets him know that she does like Kaitlyn. Nick claims he’s 99 percent sure that Kaitlyn loves him, which mom says is “cool” and “awesome.” This moment explains so much.
NEXT: Where did Shawn’s accent come from?
Nick then gives mom the rehearsed line about how Kaitlyn makes him live in the moment, and both he and his mother tear up, because the next time they see each other, he will either be on cloud nine or … whatever the opposite of that is. (Which cloud sucks the most? I feel like it’s 13.)
Back at Kaitlyn’s hotel room, this happens:
Nick: I love you.
Nick: With all my heart.
Nick: We should make babies some day. They might be pretty.
Key word: MIGHT.
The next day, it’s Shawn’s turn, and he claims today is that day that he tells his wife “I love you” for the first time. Well, that’s only if she gets along with his family, because if you don’t love Shawn’s fam, he don’t love you.
Heading in to meet the family — how is Shawn the only blonde? And why is he the only one with an accent? — Kaitlyn brings flowers AND gift bags. (Nick’s family only got flowers.) His mom couldn’t make it, but Kaitlyn has to win over his two sisters, his dad, and his aunt. Just kidding, nobody cares about the aunt. We never see her again.
Sitting down, Shawn tells his family that there are only two guys left, and he and Kaitlyn tell the story of their instant connection. From there, Kaitlyn begins her next family tour.
First up, Kaitlyn talks to Shawn’s older sister Jessie, who’s supposedly the family hardass — now I get why Shawn’s confrontation skills suck if he thinks she’s tough. All Kaitlyn has to do is call Shawn good looking and genuine and too good to be true, and Jessie’s a fan. As for Kaitlyn’s question of whether Shawn’s ready for marriage, Jessie says she could definitely see him being engaged.
Now, to sister number two. Megan wants to know all about the other guy Kaitlyn has left. In other words, she’s related to Shawn, so she wants to know all about Nick. Well, they’re SO different. That answer your question?
Cool, because Kaitlyn quickly refocuses on Shawn and how he has shown her his vulnerable side and how he makes her really happy. Megan agrees that she can see the spark between them, and just like that, the sisters relay their love of Kaitlyn to Shawn.
According to Megan and Jessie, Shawn and Kaitlyn are like yin and yang. They’re very natural together, and in a rather confident statement, they claim that the next time they see Shawn, he’ll be engaged.
With the sisters down, Shawn moves to his dad, who asks his son, “What the hell’s going on? This is nuts.” Needless to say, dad does not believe that true love can be found in such a short amount of time, on television, with one woman dating 25 men. I know, the man’s crazy.
But when Shawn expresses how much he cares for Kaitlyn — and the fact that she already told him that he’s the one — dad suddenly decides to stop doubting the process. He tells his son to go for it and tell Kaitlyn that he loves her.
Back at HIS hotel room, Shawn says he has something he wants to get off his chest. Sadly, it’s not his shirt. But what he does say is that, “When we were back in Texas, I told you that I was falling in love with you, and that’s not the truth because I am in love with you and I have been for a while.”
After Kaitlyn starts breathing again, she claws his face off as she kisses him and he says, “I love you, Kaitlyn Bristowe.”
But by the look on Kaitlyn’s face, you’d think he just dumped her. Back at her room, she starts to sob about the fact that today could not have gone better. Apparently she didn’t expect it to go that well. So she was hoping Shawn’s family would suck so that she could dump him?
At this point, Kaitlyn is so confused about how she feels that she can’t imagine saying goodbye to Shawn or Nick and she doesn’t know anything … except how to treat puffy eyes. That’s one thing she does well.
So while we wait for the Men Tell All — otherwise known as the reunion of Clint and JJ —I’m going to personally send Bella a few books that can’t be described as “fun,” “cool,” or “awesome.”