Tonight! On The Bachelorette! Four sons make their moms cry! Four cities receive dubious promotional consideration! And millions of viewers are reminded that they were made from dust, and to dust they will return! It’s all coming up tonight… on The Bachelorette.
Welcome to Milwaukee, rose lovers! In a nod to the crispy Wisconsin weather, both Andi and Nick are wearing flouncy scarves. And of course you can’t visit the beer capital of the world without stopping at a brewery, where the duo samples a microbrew called “Nick & Andi.” Mmmm… tastes like shared saliva and delusion.
Gird your loins, Andi—it’s time to meet Nick’s “very large” family. Ten siblings? Damn, that’s .015 percent of Waukesha’s total population. Nick’s mom’s uterus, I salute you. Naturally, Nick doesn’t feel comfortable proposing to Andi unless his gigantic clan approves, and naturally his siblings are gonna make him work for it. “Do you feel like you can be you [with her], unapologetically?” asks his sister Maria (tellingly, I might add). Answer: Yes. “Does she make you laugh?” Answer: Sort of? (“She just makes me smile,” hedges Nick.)
Aw, come on, Maria—you call that an interrogation? Let’s let little sister Bella and her written list of questions show you how it’s done. She starts off with a softball: “What do you like most in my brother?” But that doesn’t stop Andi from nearly digging herself into a PG-rated hole. “We have a good, like, mental connection,” she begins. Blank stare from Bella. Go ahead, Andi! Explain the difference between a “physical” and “mental” connection to this little girl. We all know that’s where you were going. Instead, Andi babbles something about how Nick “understands” her. Bella’s smile says it all: That’s right lady. You may talk to me in a sing-songy baby voice, but I’m no fool. You really think I believe you’re going to pick personality over looks? Later the little girl messes with Nick’s mind, telling him that Andi loves him… or did she say she likes him? You’ll never know, big brother, and that’s exactly the way Bella wants it.
Nick’s mom Mary looks understandably concerned upon hearing her son’s proclamation of love for this woman he’s known for a handful of weeks. “There’s something about her that makes me feel like she is a half of me that’s been missing,” he confesses tearfully. Of course mama Mary starts crying, too, because she knows her dear son has a fifty percent chance of getting his heart pulverized. “I think I’m her favorite,” Nick assures his mom. “We’ll see.” Yes. Yes we will, sir.
We don’t see Andi’s chat with Mary or Nick’s dad, Chris—but the Bachelorette leaves believing that she has the “blessing and acceptance” of both parents. But she does not leave with a declaration of love from Nick because he wusses out in the driveway.
NEXT: “You’d have beautiful babies!”