Remember when Sunday used to be the Lord’s day, rose lovers? This week, though, I’m pretty sure God recused himself to avoid being associated with “part one of a special two-night Bachelorette event.” Not that I’m blaming Him.
Anyhow, we kick things off in Santa Barbara (#NotOneMore), where Andi awaits the guys at a luxurious product placement resort. (The guys can barely muster a smattering of applause when Harrison reveals their destination. Dude, we don’t even get to leave the state?) Nick’s name is on the first date card, so he packs up and meets Andi for bike riding and a hike to Lizard’s Mouth. While Andrew and Marcus think Nick is too much of a “skeptic” to be a real contender, the shy Software Sales Executive tells Andi he has a crush on her and feels like “a 12-year-old boy” around her. (So, like, mumbly and obsessed with video games?)
At dinner Andi makes it her mission to “dig deeper” and figure out why Nick is still single… when she really should have spent her time digging into what Nick was thinking buying that jacket. “Really — shoulder and chest pockets? And what’s with the upturned collar? Are you shielding yourself from some kind of psychic windstorm only you can feel? Maybe you have a fever – you’ve got on three layers and I’m just fine in my sleeveless dress…” Andi’s archeological dig into Nick’s past unearths some interesting relationship fossils: a 7-and-a-half-year romance that began when he was 18, and a “very immature” romance when he was 27, which resulted in a 60-second engagement. Though the words “very immature” and “27-years-old” don’t really belong together, Andi decides that she and Nick “have a lot in common — kind of, like, in a philosophical sense.” More importantly, Nick is the kind of guy Andi feels like she can change: “I think that if I develop real feelings for him that I can turn him into a believer.” What woman doesn’t like a fixer-upper? Totally a good plan, counselor. Rose him!
Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus, please assemble at the Music Academy of the West to await your group date surprise. As the guys file into Hahn Hall, they’re greeted by the harmonious stylings of Nathan Morris, Wanya Morris, and Shawn Stockman. A giddy Marquel can’t believe it –“What? It’s Boyz II Men up in there!” – while Eric (God rest his soul) offers the sound bite of the night: “I’m pretty sure I touched my first butt to ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ in seventh grade.”
Naturally that’s the song Team Bachelorette has chosen for the guys to sing — and given that it’s an incredibly difficult tune requiring tremendous range and harmonizing skills, they all fail in a reliably spectacular fashion. “We’ve got maybe two [guys] that can carry a tune,” says Boyz’s Shawn Stockman. “Yeah, carry it up to the water and drown it!” Wanya interjects. (Am I allowed to choose a favorite Boy II Man? If so, it’s probably going to be Wanya.) Let’s play a quick game of aural word association and see if your answers are the same as mine, rose lovers. Cody: Laryngitis. Brian: Peter Brady. Ron: Just a friend. Marcus: A disembodied singing robot mouth. Andi: “Oh, she sucks.” (Okay, Wanya is now officially my favorite Boy.)
NEXT: “Is black a color?”