Greetings, rose lovers! Ooops, sorry — didn’t mean to shout. I’m sure many of you are still recovering from your holiday weekend hangover. I’ll try to keep it down as we gently ease back into the work-week with part 2 of Andi’s “journey.”
However sluggish you’re feeling, though, it’s nothing compared to the fog that’s enveloped Andi’s brain until just this second. “Waking up this morning after the first rose ceremony, it finally hit me — like, I am officially the Bachelorette,” she marvels. (Andi, are you okay? Can you tell me what year it is? Who’s the president?)
Over at Casa Bachelorette, Harrison’s giving the guys the week-one rundown — one group date, two one-on-one dates, knit caps and hoodies optional but encouraged. With that, the host drops off the date card and takes his leave. Carl, please tell us who has the honor of the first solo date: “Eric, love is everywhere.”
Oh dear. This is awkward. I mean, of course Andi chose Eric for the one-on-one. He’s incredibly handsome, his limo-exit gift of two dolls from the Andes mountains was genuinely sweet, and his name does not rhyme with the word “anal.” Anyhow, what’s awkward about this is not just deciding what tense to use while discussing Eric’s scenes — I’ve decided, after a lengthy internal debate, to go with present — it’s deciding how we should feel about watching Eric’s scenes. Should ABC/Warner Bros. removed him from the series entirely? I don’t think so — and not just because it would have necessitated some real editing-bay gymnastics and likely resulted in choppy, disjointed “narrative.” Unlike Russell Armstrong, the husband of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Taylor Armstrong, Eric Hill did not take his own life — nor did the pressures/expectations/exposure of appearing on a reality TV show contribute in any way to his death. It still feels uncomfortable and sad to watch him on The Bachelorette — I prefer my trash TV without a side of mortality-reminders, thank you — but it doesn’t feel dirty. And that, to paraphrase Robert Frost, should make all the difference. So hug your loved ones (virtual group hug for you, Eric’s mom!) and let’s get through this date together.
Andi picks Eric up in her convertible and drives him to the beach, where she strips off her teeny-tiny jean shorts to reveal a teeny-tiny white bikini. They build sand castles, fly a kite, and make sand angels — which isn’t really a thing but it does allow Team Bachelorette to sneak in a gratuitous shot of Andi’s crotchal area. Oh hey, look, it’s a helicopter. Could it possibly be there to whisk Eric and Andi away to a “surprise” second location? Why yes, yes it could. The duo alights atop snowy Bear Mountain. Holy crap, put your flip-flops back on, you two! I’m getting frostbite just looking at you. Fortunately, a nice young man named Louie Vito is waiting for them with snowpants, parkas, and all the other gear they need to take an embarrassing, nationally-televised snowboarding lesson. (Embarrassing for Andi, that is: Eric is at ease on the board, while the Bachelorette proceeds to pratfall her way down the mountain. Oopsie-daisy! Tee-hee-hee!)
NEXT: Welcome to “the fine world of male exotic dancing”