Ali began the episode by chirping to the camera, ”I don’t think anything could go wrong at this point!” Which meant only one thing: Most. Dramatic. First 20 Minutes or So. Of The Bachelorette. Ever.
How weird was the whole Justin debacle, Bachelorette fans? Let us count the ways: Chris Harrison showed up at Ali’s hotel room in Turkey with some kind of bombshell that he refused to drop himself. Then he called a person named Jessie whom I barely remembered and had to look up — turned out she was a fellow Bachelor contestant with Ali, eliminated in the third week of Jake’s season. Then she took five rings to answer the darn phone. Then we cut to her at her house in Toronto. All of the action took place in incredibly documentary fashion, without any dramatic music or anything.
Finally, we cut to the chase: Jessie had dirt on fellow Canadian Justin. (Do they just all know each other up there?) She, in fact, accused him of the mortal sin of Bachelorette-dom: ”I know he’s not there for the right reasons,” she told Ali. That’s right, folks. He had a girlfriend back home. But wait! There was so much more! Cut to the space beside Jessie where said girlfriend was actually sitting. Because the Canadians all know each other and hang out at each other’s houses for government-mandated group Degrassi viewings, I suppose. Her name: Jessica. Because they also must all have J names, I guess. So much we learned about Canada this episode. Jessica took the phone and continued unspooling revelations. She’d been dating Justin for almost two years! He’d gone on the show just to get his ”foot in the door of the entertainment industry”! He wanted to be Top 3 because then he’d be really famous! (Yes, Matthew Hickl’s name still trips off the tongue six years after coming in second during Meredith’s season, doesn’t it?) She helped him buy suits and get his headshots for the show! He called her just the previous night to say he loved her!
Oh, right, and why was she revealing all of this now? Because she found out he had another girlfriend, too. I can definitely see how he would think this wouldn’t all come out if he went on a nationally televised dating competition. Bonus points, Bachelorette producers, for the couple pic of Justin and Jessica that Chris Harrison had on his iPhone to show Ali.
Ali was demonstrably seething, and she stormed over to the guys’ suite for an immediate showdown. They all gathered remarkably easily — no one was out getting tattoos or hobbling up hills to see Ali at the moment, a miracle in this shenanigan-filled season — so she could lay into Justin. ”It’s been quite the road in getting here so far,” she began. ”You know, Justin, I think it’s been especially difficult for you because you probably really miss your girlfriend in Canada.” Nice use of a benign Bachelorette cliché to lead up to the big-revelation dismount, delivered with a nice faux concern and a twist of sarcasm. I give it a 9.5. She kept going: ”You sat here and cried to me about your mother and respecting women, and you think this is the way to respect women?” But Justin simply got up and walked. ”I’d rather not say anything,” he muttered before walking. And walking. And walking.
NEXT: ”Justin Liar” does have a certain ring to it…