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The Bachelorette recap: Revelations on Ice

When there are secret tattoos, bad poetry, and matching sweaters, who needs a dramatic rose ceremony?

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Ali Fedotowsky
Bob D'Amico/ABC

The Bachelorette

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Chris Harrison
Current Status:
In Season

Let us pause, Bachelorette fans, and appreciate the gravity of the moment we have just witnessed: The least. Dramatic. Rose ceremony. Ever. But, hey, we did get a pretty dramatic — if totally irrelevant, I am convinced, to Ali’s overall journey — two-on-one date. What I’m saying is: Thank goodness for Kasey’s tattoo, or Iceland would’ve been pretty lame, even with its historic volcano erupting.

We began our time in the land of frozen water with the guys trying their best (at the producers’ urging, no doubt) to convince us of the impending excitement of their trip. ”Not in a million years did I think I would come to Iceland to find love,” said one. ”I never thought I’d come to Iceland to find love,” said another. ”I think Iceland will be the right place to show her my tattoo,” said a third. (Guess who.) Then we learned the two twists of the week: There would be a sudden-death-type two-on-one date, from which only one man would emerge with a rose, and all the guys would have to write Ali poems to compete for the one-on-one date. God help us.

Date #1: The Grand Icelandic Poetry Tradition

Chris Harrison told the guys they had an hour to write their poems, and that they’d get ”extra credit” for including an Icelandic word. Without questioning what, exactly, ”extra credit” might mean in this case, the men dispersed and spent, it seemed, most of their energy accosting passersby to ask them for help with their Icelandic. Kirk at least showed some savvy by just going into a store and asking clerks — a captive audience likely to be nice to an American tourist being forced to write Icelandic poems on camera. Justin got dissed by most of the Icelanders even though he had crutches. Frank expressed confidence, having, he said, ”written a number of love poems in my day.” Chris N. surprised us with some fleeting camera time — seriously, who is this guy, and how has he blended in with the wallpaper for so long? — during which he shared the rather unremarkable thought that, unlike Frank, he had little experience with poetry writing. ”There’s a lot of pressure involved in this,” he said, showing not a hint of being under said stress nor caring in any way. ”Being on the two-on-one date, I’m not going to lie, that would really sting.”

Chris R., on the other hand, almost had a moment, with a cutely amusing little poem in which he spouted some possibly Icelandic (though more like German)-sounding nonsense, then followed it up with: ”I have a confession, Ali: I made up that Icelandic and took a chance/I will do anything to win your heart and to end this journey with romance.” Kasey, who apparently used up all his lyrical abilities last week on his freestyle singing, had some enunciation troubles. Even with subtitles, his poem came out something like: ”I’m falling for you, Ali, and I just want you to know/???/And I promise you, Ali, you’ll always have my/Chest?” (Really? No guarding and protecting? So disappointing.)

NEXT: Really, Kirk? Really?