Watching the last few episodes of The Bachelorette is a lot like being chauffeured around by Toonces the Driving Cat. Everything seems to be going smoothly, and then all of a sudden — LOOK OUT!! — Jillian steers her car off of an emotional cliff. This week, my dear friends, was no exception.
It’s hometown week, and first, Jillian’s off to Philadelphia to see Reid. She’s squealy and excited to meet her coffee-bearing suitor, who’s standing in front of some lovely flowering trees (magnolia? dogwood?) — but she’s also nervous: ”Are Reid’s parents going to like me, are they going to approve?” Even in a new state, these two have nothing to say to each other. Their conversation goes something like this:
Jillian: ”I’m nervous.”
Reid: ”I’m nervous too.”
Jillian: [long pause] ”I got nothin’.”
Reid: ”Ok, let’s make out.”
They head to Reid’s house, and on the way he explains to us that family approval is very important to him. ”If one disapproved, I would say that she’s not the girl for me.” Way to be your own man, Reid! But it doesn’t seem like approval’s going to be an issue. Reid’s mom Rhonda wants her boy to get married — NOW! She doesn’t even blanch when the Bachelorette refers to ”him and I,” and when Jillian asks if she’s Reid’s type, Rhonda offers this artful evasion: ”I think you’re adorable.” After that, Reid’s brothers let it drop that he has a commitment issue (”He doesn’t have a problem getting women—they just kind of go away”) and it soon becomes clear that Reid uses the ”approval” issue as an excuse to get out of relationships. Explains Dad, ”I wish he would just make the decision on his own, but he seems to always ask, you know, ‘what do you guys think?”’ (Side note: could Reid’s ”yeah” have sounded any less enthusiastic when his dad asked him if he liked Jillian?) The final warning sign of the evening comes during a surprise 30th birthday party for Reid, when Jillian grabs his face and attacks it with kisses as the family looks on. ”We usually don’t see you being very affectionate with people,” says the squeaky sister-in-law. But he’s got no problem mauling the Bachelorette on the front porch when they say goodbye.
Moving on to NoChanceville (in this case, Valencia, California), it’s Michael’s turn to bring Jillian home to his family. And how freaking cute is it the way he jumps up and down like a human pogo stick when he sees his family for the first time in the kitchen? When Jillian arrives, she gives him a friendly hug, but no kiss (sigh). And while Michael goes on and on about how he and his brother Steve are identical twins, it’s beyond easy to tell them apart. There’s a resemblance, sure, but for one thing Steve’s hair is noticeably shorter, and for another, he and Michael have completely different noses. Still Michael thinks it’d be funny to pull the ”classic twin move — the switcheroo,” which is doomed from the start. (Though it was worth it just to hear Michael warn Steve, ”Dude, if you kiss her, I’ll break your face.”) Of course, because Jillian hasn’t gone blind between Philadelphia and California, she is not fooled for one tiny second.
During his chat with Jillian, Steve makes sure Jillian knows that he and his brother have always wanted to get married at a young age, because they want time with their wives to ”grow together and learn to love each other” before kids come along. ”We want to, like, be good husbands… be good fathers.” Could these boys be any more adorable? After a family room dance party, it’s time to leave, and Jillian finally deigns to give Michael a kiss. As much as it pains me to say it, there really isn’t much chemistry evident. Dad is right — poor Michael is about to get flattened.
NEXT: Kiptyn’s mom? Not very nice!