Please forgive me for my second Princess Bride reference in three weeks, but after watching the dramatic denouement of tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette, I immediately thought of the advice Westley gives Princess Buttercup: ”Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” And tonight, poor, naïve Jillian learned at least one bachelor is trying to sell her a wagon-load of hot, steaming bulls—.
The episode opens on a much happier note, however: Harrison tells the guys that they’ll be exchanging the Bachelor Barracks for plush digs in Jillian’s hometown of Vancouver, British Columbia — home of the 2010 Winter Olympics! They arrive to find the Bachelorette waiting for them outside the hotel in an unfortunate greenish-brown, diamond-checked, geisha-looking dress. She’s super duper excited to welcome the guys to her native country — which she does with a dolphin squeal and a jaunty jig.
After the tour of the bachelors’ ornate 3-bedroom, 3-bath suite, Ed asks Jillian if there’s a hot tub in the hotel (because that joke never gets old), and Juan uses a somewhat unsettling image to express his desire for a one-on-one date: ”I hope to get a one-on-one date, just to be away from everybody else. I think that’s where I can really shine and I can really, really come out of my skin.” (Ick.) But it’s Kiptyn’s name on the date card — and even though he lost out, Jake chooses to put a positive spin on the situation: ”Finally, a girl that likes the nice guys.” Oh, Jakey-poo, how little you know our Bachelorette.
The date begins with some competitive kayaking (kudos to Kipper for not letting Jillian win) and then the duo goes shopping for dinner provisions at the Granville Island Public Market. Before Kiptyn and Jillian head back to the place rented by producers Jillian’s place, they tempt fate (and a nasty case of bird mites) by feeding the filthy pigeons by the waterside. God, I hope they bathed in Purell before making dinner. There’s no question the two have strong physical chemistry — Kipper can’t even keep his hands off of Jillian long enough for her to plate the tortellini. And she LOVES it: ”That’s every girl’s dream, for her to be in the kitchen and sort of like hot and flustered because she’s so worried if something turned out right or wrong, and her guy comes and kisses her right on that part of her neck.” I’ve never had that dream, but then again, I haven’t been a girl for about 18 years.
During a post-dinner conversation about their turn-ons, Kiptyn manages to be both totally arrogant and totally incomprehensible when he explains his relationship history to Jillian: ”I don’t tend to pursue people. Like, I find the good in everybody, like you said, so I end up with people that come to me, type thing.” I think he’s trying to flatter Jillian by saying he’s never once had to go after a woman because they all naturally flock to him, and so she should feel honored that he’s deigning to exert a modicum of effort in their not-quite-relationship. And she LOVES it. Do I even need to tell you that Kipper gets a rose? She’s practically ovulating in his presence.
Moving on to the group date. We open on an ice rink, and Jillian — sporting a ”Vancouver 2010” hoodie and spandex leggings — explains that the 10 bachelors are going to be ”participating in an internationally recognized Olympic winter sport.” Curling! I understand national pride and all, but really? That weird event where you ski and then shoot things is also an internationally recognized Olympic winter sport, but that doesn’t mean it’d make a good date. My man Michael shows the proper amount of wry anti-enthusiasm: ”We’re all going to get to throw a rock down 50 yards of ice.”
NEXT: Dave goes ”ass” over ”t–s”