What up, Bachelorette fans? If you’re like me, you’re feeling enlightened, because we learned three key things about Jillian in this week’s episode: 1) She’s far too comfortable letting strangers manhandle her feet; 2) When she’s happy, she squeals like Daryl Hannah telling Tom Hanks her Mermaid name in Splash; and 3) she wouldn’t know a toxic bachelor if he had the words ”For God’s sake, woman, do NOT date me” tattooed across his forehead. Let’s review, shall we?
We open yet again in the ”stinky” Bachelor Barracks, where Ed is happy to learn that he’s got the first of the week’s two individual dates. We haven’t learned much about Ed yet, other than that he’s a technology consultant and he bears a pleasing resemblance to Craig Bierko. He looks a little befuddled at the date card’s message — ”love can be dangerous” — but perhaps he’d feel better if he knew that Jillian is ”really attracted” to him. Or maybe not — I’m fairly certain she’s said that about 2/3 of the remaining men.
The Bachelorette greets Ed with her first piercing squeal of the episode, and then the two take the obligatory helicopter ride. (Seriously, the producers must get some kind of bulk rate on whirlybird rentals.) Something about those oversize earphones must be a turn-on, because the two of them are very touchy-feely during the ride. But Ed’s ardor turns to icy fear when they land on top of the Bonaventure hotel, and Jillian informs him that they’ll be zip-lining down the side of the building to the ground. ”WHAT?” he screams.”I would say I’m more spontaneous than adventurous,” he tells the camera. ”I’ve never done anything like this. I’ve never even heard of it. I don’t even know if it’s legal.” Though he puts on a good face, Ed does look a bit pathetic, hugging his safety cable like it was a blankie as he and Jillian dangle over the side of the building.
That said, Ed really had nothing to worry about. The duo proceed to rocket down the zip line at about .0002 miles per hour, landing softly on the ground like dandelion fuzz settling on a blade of grass. Having escaped death, there’s only one thing to do: make out in the pool. (As we all know, chlorinated bodies of water make Jillian hot.) The Bachelorette is clearly into her ”big, strong, bulky” date: ”I just feel like little Jillian and this big guy’s going to take care of me.” Fantastic, she’s got a Rapunzel complex. Why am I surprised? Later that night at dinner, things get off to an uncomfortable start when Jillian jokes, ”I love that I popped your helicopter cherry.” (His face says it all: ”Boy, I sure love a lady who talks like a frat house date rapist!”) Ed makes an interesting Freudian slip — he says, ”I have a hard time balancing out my worth,” when what he means to say is ”my work-life balance” — and Jillian is a wee bit concerned that he works too much, but she’s overpowered by his good looks, and the two mash faces some more.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the southern California hills… Ding dong! It’s the Accent Table of Doom at the door! And boy does it have some interesting news: 11 guys — count ’em, 11 — are going on the next date. Holy group grope, Batman! Back at the hotel, Ed is all business: ”I wanna know if I’m gonna get a rose.” What do you think, buddy? She’s taking 11 guys on the next date — her standards are NOT insurmountable. Of course, he scores the bud.
NEXT PAGE: Make-out at the OK Corral