Happy Tuesday, TV Watchers! I trust you all had a pleasant holiday weekend. Honestly, is there any better way to ease back into the drudgery of the work week than by spending two full hours of your free time watching The Bachelorette? I think not. Especially now that we’ve gotten the endless meet-and-greets out of the way and can move on to what we’re all here to see: Uncomfortable group dates!
We open on the Bachelorette Pad, where Jillian — looking like a Real Housewife of New Jersey with her big hair, bigger earrings, and enormous sunglasses — is lying in the sun reveling in her position as Queen Bee. ”Wait a second, there are 20 dudes living right outside my place right now, that are here for me.” The guys, meanwhile, are bemoaning their new living quarters, which, in all fairness, look like a cross between the Full Metal Jacket set and Peter, Greg, and Bobby’s room on The Brady Bunch. But hey, at least they get a hammock, a pool table, and all the apples they can eat.
Harrison arrives and tells the dudes how it’s all going to go down: there will be two group dates and one individual date, and anyone who gets a rose on the dates will get to move out of the Bachelor Barracks and into Jillian’s luxurious McMansion. With that, he drops off the date card, leaving Michael, Brian (aka Captain Douchebag), Brad, Sasha, Tanner P. (The Pervert), Wes, Ed, and Mathue to wonder where their group adventure will lead them. (I’m guessing their date won’t involve making body casts to raise money for testicular cancer — but a girl can dream, can’t she?) Dave — who got so endearingly tongue-tied last episode — can barely contain his anger at not being chosen for the first date. ”Have fun guys,” he says, glowering. ”Don’t screw up.” Unfortunately, by the end of the night, we’ll learn how deep this dude’s rage actually runs.
The party starts at the pool, natch. Captain Douchebag keeps his obnoxious salutations streak alive, greeting the Bachelorette with, ”What’s up, little hottie?” Spotting Jillian in her bikini and the rose on the table, Michael’s hormones begin to surge: ”I was immediately like ‘I want both of those things immediately.”’ (Just to clarify again, guys: Jillian is a person, not an object. Any questions?) Still, Jillian pulls Michael aside for some one-on-one time, and he can’t resist taunting his competition from the balcony: ”In case anyone is curious what her bedroom is like, I, uh, can let you know later.” Honestly, they should save some money next time and just film the entire show in a men’s room, because it’s just one big pissing contest.
Then suddenly, with a mischievous smile, Jillian climbs in the passenger side of a Mini Cooper and hightails it off the premises. The men mill around, helpless and dumbfounded, until Harrison arrives with an explanation: ”This pool party is over — but the race for Jillian’s heart is on!” With that, they’re divided into teams of two and told to hop in the Mini Coopers that have been product-placed in the driveway. The first team to correctly follow the clues to Jillian’s secret location wins a prize: Jillian herself! (Okay, so maybe I can see why they keep confusing her with an inanimate object.)
NEXT PAGE: Wes takes it to the bank