Keeping in theme with Juan Pablo’s wishes, I’m going to be really honest with you all: Your regular recapper, Kristen Baldwin, is traveling and unable to watch the show right now, so I will be filling in for her. And honestly, I know I’ll never live up to the expectations set by Kristen. I’m just going to close my eyes, picture Juan Pablo shirtless, and write, always keeping in mind his life motto: “It’s okay.”
So, the question is: Are you all ready to revisit “the most memorable women from the most controversial season in Bachelor history?” Well, sorry, because all we have tonight are the women from Juan Pablo’s season. I love you, Chris, but I think you’re over-selling the drama just a bit. But you do look good in your suit, so I’ll forgive you. Now, let’s talk about how America feels about Juan Pabs. Apparently, you either love him or are a little shocked by his actions. And tonight, “the debate rages on” … in a minute. First up, a reminder that this show can be successful. Look everybody, it’s Sean and Catherine in their first television appearance since tying the knot! Don’t they look happy?!
Sean and Catherine Lowe are the first to sit in the hot seat, where Chris adorably compares them to royalty — that tells you how rare it is that people on this show gets married — before he compliments Catherine’s “grown sexy” new haircut. In case you were wondering, yes they have watched the ceremony, and they love the fact that their entire journey as a couple is on tape so that they can show their kids. Yes, we get it, the show is great. But I’m already watching, so let’s get to the awkward wedding night talk, shall we? Chris quickly reminds us all that we weren’t invited to the reception before he asks the hard-hitting question: How was the wedding night?
Catherine tries — she really tries — to keep it clean by talking about the rose petals and the romance, but Sean chimes in with “Fireworks!” To which she takes her husband out at the knees with, “Quick fireworks.” Ouch, honey. Some things really can stay in the
fantasy honeymoon suite. She quickly pats her husband’s leg and explains that, “He toots his own horn, so I had to keep him in place.” I’m not sure I want to know what she means, but I do love me some Chris Harrison humor: “Welcome to the club, buddy. You got 50, 60 years to figure it out, so don’t worry about it.” Poor Sean tries to hang on to his manhood with a final word on the subject: “We’re good.”
So what else did you two do on your honeymoon? (Please God talk about something other than sex!) They swam with stingrays! That’s totally nonsexual, right? Wrong. One of the stingrays latched onto Sean’s “manparts” — “This guy just sexually assaulted me” — which resulted in bruising that he had to “get over.” As Chris points out, of all the time and all the parts! But sexual catastrophes aside, the couple does plan on having kids. They want to start trying within the next 12 months, to be exact. Didn’t you hear? Sean’s old. He’s 30. “If I’m old, Harrison’s ancient,” Sean says. But let’s not dwell on all that Chris-is-old business. All that matters is that Sean and Catherine both look happy, so the show was successful. Did you guys get that? Okay good, let’s move on (right past that awkward Muppets movie promo)!
NEXT: “He didn’t say ‘Camila’ whenever he was in the ocean.”