Samantha Highfill
January 08, 2018 AT 10:01 PM EST

The Bachelor

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Arie Luyendyk Jr, Nick Viall, Ben Higgins, Chris Soules, Juan Pablo Galavis
Mike Fleiss
Current Status
In Season

Considering we’re still at the very beginning of Arie’s journey to find love, now seems like the perfect time to remind everyone involved that things are going to get much, much worse before they get better. And then they’ll only get better for the one woman who will walk away with Arie, and if we’re being honest, her happiness might not last that much longer either. In other words, this is as good as it gets kids! So it makes sense that Harrison greets the women at the mansion by letting them all know that they won’t all stay happy. “Trust me,” the host-turned-reality-check says.

On that note, Harrison then hands over the first date card of the season, which tells Becca K. to “hold on tight.” Her response? “Hopefully I can hold onto his arms!!” Girl. Aim higher.

The direct translation of the date card is simply that Becca and Arie are going on a motorcycle ride, and when he fits her with her own leather jacket, she squeals, “Oh and he zips me too!” making it official that Becca gets excited about all the wrong things on dates. You could take her to the Grand Canyon and she’d lose her mind at how soft the blanket is that you brought for the picnic.

To make things worse, Becca also doesn’t know when to shut up. Here’s the thing about riding a motorcycle: You can’t really talk to the other person on the motorcycle. You both have helmets on, you’re sitting behind him, and then there’s all the wind. Yet Becca decides that if she screams loud enough, Arie can hear her. Plus, when you have thoughts like “I wish I could capture this moment forever in a painting” or “We’re not in Kansas anymore,” you just HAVE to share them lest he go through the day without knowing how amazing your mind is.

While Krystal is back at the house talking about how glad she is she didn’t get this date because her father was in a bad motorcycle accident, Becca and Arie arrive at a very fancy house where Becca finds out that her date is not at all about Arie and, in fact, she will barely talk to him, because her date is shopping with Rachel Zoe, who fits Becca in various gowns before giving her all of them. While Arie creeps me out with his idea to “sit back and enjoy it,” Becca tries on outfits during what this Minnesota girl claims is the best day of her life. The world could end today and she’d be happy, she says. (Screw true love! All Becca needed was a good dress!)

Arie then gives her shoes and jewelry and honestly, this is a terrible date. The two of them have said two things to each other and it’s been about how they both have pretty eyes. Becca was actually so eager to tell Arie that he had pretty eyes that she literally stopped him from kissing her. The man was leaning in, woman! Shut up! She then tells Arie that his eyes “suck people in,” which doesn’t sound at all murder-y.

After Arie puts Becca’s new earring IN HER EARS, which by the way is horrifying and not at all romantic, he gets his second chance to go in for the kiss and he takes it. Becca’s out-loud response? “Whoa.” Apparently those pillow lips are the real deal. Also, the phrase “pillow lips” might just be my least favorite thing to happen thus far this season.

For the evening portion of their date, Becca struggles to walk in her new Louboutins before she hits Arie with the big questions: She was told that he could fix the brakes on her car? (Spoiler: She’s not here for a husband. Girl just needs a good mechanic.) Arie says he can before explaining how his job in real estate really allowed him to slow down in life. (Slow down — you mean because you had good brakes that worked and stuff?)

Becca then shares her story of her past relationship and how it helped her get through her father’s passing and how family is important and how it’s great that Arie has a cool family and isn’t it magical that they’re both close with their families and…I’m bored. Eventually, Arie gives Becca the date rose and then surprises her by setting off a confetti canon in a rather cavernous space that, for a split second, sounds like a gunshot. You know what they say: There’s nothing like thinking you might die to force two people to fall in love!

The next day, it’s Krystal’s turn for a one-on-one date because two voices have never deserved each other more. When Krystal arrives at the airport, Arie informs her that he’s taking her to his home in Scottsdale, Arizona, because there’s no such thing as moving too quickly on this show! “It must be very meaningful to him,” Krystal says OF HIS HOME.

Once they land, Arie drives Krystal around and shows her the Pizza Hut he worked at and the specific species of willow tree he had his first kiss under, not to mention his high school, where he takes her on a tour and offends “art nerds and band guys,” both of which described Krystal in high school.

Arie then takes Krystal to his house to look through childhood photos and watch old videos that will surely serve to steer her away from having his children. Also, call me crazy, but usually these dates are for Arie to get to know the women because he, you know, has to choose from more than 20 of them. But no, this date is all about Arie and only Arie. Don’t you dare pull up a photo on your phone, Krystal. This is ARIE TIME. (Next: Krystal meets Arie’s parents)

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