ABC/Rick Rowell
Samantha Highfill
January 09, 2017 AT 10:01 PM EST

The Bachelor

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Arie Luyendyk Jr, Nick Viall, Ben Higgins, Chris Soules, Juan Pablo Galavis
Mike Fleiss
Current Status
In Season

Actually, I spoke too soon, because the next wedding has bridesmaids, a.k.a. the women the show’s decided don’t have a chance in hell of winning Nick’s heart — but they had to include them on this date anyway. And here is where all the kissing begins. Bridesmaids are kissing Nick, brides are kissing Nick, and 100 percent of them are things I wish I’d never seen.

But things reach peak awkward when Lacey kisses Nick and exclaims, “Tastes like Danielle.” Only question: How do you know what Danielle tastes like?

Franco, loving life, proves his shirt isn’t the only thing that can yell when he forces Taylor to tell Nick how she “feels” about him after they met YESTERDAY. Taylor claims she’s starting to like Nick “a lot” — which translates to “you look really hot today” — and then Franco orders them to kiss. According to Franco, he can do that because “I know you from before time.” Suddenly, Franco just became the most interesting person on this show.

And finally, we’ve made it to the Adam and Eve wedding, where Corinne decides she would’ve been better for that outfit because “that’s more me,” she says, not realizing she just admitted she’s far more likely to be tricked by a serpent than anyone else here.

Speaking of Corinne, her wedding takes place IN the pool and based on how she’s slurring her words, I can only guess her theme is the Quickly Annulled Marriage? Once in the pool, Corinne begins undressing her new husband before she tells him they’re going to “Janet Jackson it.” Translation: Her sexual assault charges from last week are now even more serious. First, she attacks Nick with her lips and now, she grabs his hands and places them on her “bare bosoms.” In other news, Corinne apparently has multiple bosoms.

At the end of the day, Franco chooses Corinne as the winner because he’s a bit of a perv according to Corinne, she was “daring” enough to take her clothes off. You say “daring,” I say “pathetic.” Tomato, tomato.

With that, Nick and Corinne head off for their extra time together, which thankfully we don’t have to watch considering she’s so drunk she just called her veil her “Nick Veil.”

By the evening portion of the date, Corinne still can’t stop talking about her big moment. “Nick held my boobs today. He held my boobs, okay? No one has ever held my boobs like that. No one ever will.” Just like that, men nowhere start crying at the thought they’ll never hold Corinne’s boobs like that.

Naturally, Corinne pulls Nick aside first because she didn’t just get to spend extra time with him or anything. As she tells Nick, when she feels something, she feels it with her “whole heart.” Or, perhaps more elegantly, “I feel so much.” Gotta love the “I promise I’m not a sociopath” path to love.

Nick’s response? Telling her she’s sexy, you know, in case you were wondering what Nick sees in her.

After a quick makeout session, Corinne decides she’s already falling for Nick, and she’s going to keep falling and falling and falling as her feelings grow stronger and stronger and stronger. She’s also going to keep saying things in threes.

The one moment of the evening I’m really bummed we didn’t get to see? Brittany asks Nick, “Whose boobs are better: Mine or Corinne?” And now we’ll never know.

Next up, Raven steals Nick away to talk about her past relationship: She walked in on her boyfriend with another woman, something to which Nick can relate. However, Raven takes that moment and stomps all over it with her cowboy boots when she decides to tell him, “I’m not calling you an asshole but I’m attracted to assholes because they speak their mind.” Woah there, Raven, don’t sweep him off his feet too fast!

But before Nick can talk to anyone else, Corinne — who’s now mayor of Slursville — steals him away from Alexis. “Obviously, my time is most important,” Corinne says, thereby demonstrating what happens when a child has a nanny well into adulthood.

NEXT: Corinne vs. Taylor (but not really)

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