ABC/Rick Rowell
Samantha Highfill
January 09, 2017 at 10:01 PM EST

The Bachelor

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Arie Luyendyk Jr, Nick Viall, Ben Higgins, Chris Soules, Juan Pablo Galavis
Mike Fleiss
Current Status
In Season

Now that week one is over with, we can get to the good stuff. And by good stuff, I mean watching painfully awkward dates, picking out this season’s “villain,” and just generally questioning how far womankind has come in this world.

We start this week by catching up with the women, many of whom can’t sleep because they’re too busy thinking about Nick. (Or because they had to wake up and film this episode just hours after the first rose ceremony. Either one.) And when you combine a lack of sleep with mimosas, there’s just no hope for intelligent thought. Even Rachel, seemingly a smart pick to get behind, claims she wants “the chance to continue to make great first impressions” with Nick, as if it’s possible to make more than one FIRST impression.

Elsewhere, Josephine is bursting with excitement — so, nothing new — when Chris Harrison enters the mansion to explain how the week is going to work. There will be three dates: Two group dates and a one-on-one. And no, not everyone will get a date this week, so as Harrison switches into we-need-good-ratings producer mode, he advises the women to take advantage of the time they get. In other words, good ratings don’t just happen, ladies!

On his way out, Harrison drops off the first date card of the season for Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, and Elizabeth W. The date has to do with always being a bridesmaid, but Corinne doesn’t get it, because shockingly, she doesn’t have any friends she’s never been a bridesmaid. But she thinks it’s because “I was just a natural-born bride.” Does this mean we should be investigating her family? Is there a chance their multimillion-dollar company has everything to do with child marriage?!

Once the women meet up with Nick, we learn the show has picked a classic first-date scenario to kick off the season. Think Wuthering Heights meets Casablanca. You guessed it! The women are dressing up as different brides and having their “wedding” photos taken with Nick! And you know it’s awkward when Jasmine, who brought Neil Lane to night one, thinks this is a big deal.

Thankfully, Franco Lacosta is the photographer of choice, and boy oh boy does he make this date something else.

As the women get into character, it quickly becomes a competition of who looks “oh my god you look so sexy”-est. After all, the woman who has the most chemistry with Nick — according to Franco — will win a super-top-secret prize that is without a doubt more time with Nick.

Sadly for Alexis, she’s been chosen as the shotgun bride, and much to her surprise, that does not mean she gets to look sexy and hold a shotgun. Instead, she gets to sport a baby bump — but to level the playing field, they still give her a gun, because nothing says “sexy” like a violent pregnant woman.

Meanwhile, Corinne is staying focused on the fact she was the first to kiss Nick, and therefore, she intends to be “full of number ones” this season. After all, “It’s better than number two. Or going number two.” At least that’s what her nanny always told her about going potty.

While Corinne wages psychological warfare on Taylor — or so Taylor says — she gets ready in her tiny bikini because she’s a…swimwear model bride? Either way, all Corinne knows is she’s looking hot…until Brittany walks in.

Lucky Brittany over here gets to be the Eve to Nick’s Adam, which means wearing nothing but a bikini bottom made out of leaves. As for Corinne, she’ll be playing the part of the serpent, doing her best to ruin everything for women everywhere.

First up in the photo shoot is the Vegas wedding between Nick and Sarah, where someone needs to explain to Nick you don’t get down on one knee and propose once you’ve gotten married. At this point, he’s just done it so many times he can’t stop!

And here’s where Franco takes the situation from worse to oh-my-god-stop-talking as he narrates the photo shoot: “Who’s been naughty in Las Vegas? Somebody needs a little spanking.” I feel like we’re learning so much about Franco in this moment.

After Vegas, we get a biker wedding, which is a natural transition to Alexis and Nick’s shotgun wedding, where Nick’s response to seeing Alexis in her dress for the first time is the kind of groom-bride moment she’ll never forget. To quote Nick: “Wow, you brought a gun; good for you!”

Things only get classier from there as Nick poses BETWEEN ALEXIS’ LEGS as if he’s delivering the baby at the wedding and Franco snaps some photos while quoting Salt-N-Pepa. In related news, I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my entire life.

NEXT: Corinne strips down

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