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The Bachelor recap: Foolish Hart

Kevin Hart and Ice Cube help Ben find love with hot tubs, Hennessy, and condoms

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Rick Rowell/ABC

The Bachelor

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
seasons:
20
run date:
03/25/02
performer:
Aaron Buerge, Andrew Firestone, Bob Guiney, Alex Michel, Estella Gardinier, Trista Rehn, Jen Schefft
Producer:
Mike Fleiss
broadcaster:
ABC
genre:
Reality TV

With night one out of the way, let’s be real: Week two is where our journey really begins. People start showing their true colors, and for Ben, that includes bright blue (very tight) boxer briefs. THIS is what life is all about, people. 

While Ben gets dressed, the ladies can’t stop talking about how he “checks off every single list” — close enough — and is just generally perfection. So which ladies will get to join this perfect specimen on the first group date of the season? Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace, who’s ready to redeem herself and show Ben the real her. 

RELATED: Ranking Every Season of The Bachelor

Fun fact: The “real” Lace has terrible hearing. The date card said “Let’s learn HOW TO love,” not “Let’s learn ABOUT love.” Also, she’s already mentioned making out with him, and I’m starting to feel like night one Lace WAS the real Lace. Regardless, she’d like you to know that she’s not crazy. She simply wants a rose and the promise of forever from a guy she just met. So she’s obviously not crazy. Lace has been misrepresented, guys. It’s really not fair.

The first date takes the ladies back to high school because, apparently, Ben is one of those weird people who enjoyed high school. Inside, Professor Harrison — he doesn’t even get to be principal? Ouch — puts on his best sweater vest to tell the ladies all about their date: In teams of two, they’ll be attending four classes. At the end of each class, one team will be eliminated. In the end, one lucky lady will become Ben’s Homecoming Queen. 

Quickly pairing off, there’s one team with an obvious disadvantage: Lace and Jubilee. Yes, Jubilee is ex-military and physically capable. But Lace is the brains of their operation. I repeat: Lace is the brains of their operation.

First, the ladies attend science class, where they try to find the four necessary ingredients to make Ben’s volcano explode. I would make a joke here, but it doesn’t even feel necessary. The ingredients: love, trust, friendship, and communication. (I’m going to go ahead and say you need none of those to make his volcano explode, but what do I know?)

Not surprisingly, Jubilee and Lace are the first two eliminated. More importantly, Jubilee calls Lace “Lacy,” which I’m pretending is because she just refuses to call her by her real name (which says a lot coming from Jubilee).

Next up is lunch class, to which I’d like to say: I seriously hope no high school in America has a “lunch class” because if they do, society is worse off than I imagined.

There, the ladies have to bob for a red apple in a tank of water and then pass the apple to their partner using only their mouths. As Ben puts it, “One of the most attractive things about this date today is I’m seeing these women really put themselves out there.” Yeah, it’s not them essentially making out. It’s definitely not that.

I’m just going to leave this quote from Becca right here: “I’m thinking Jackie’s wishing she had a bigger mouth at this point.”

And this one from Lauren H.: “Jackie is not great with her mouth, unfortunately.” 

You’re welcome. (P.S. Jackie’s tiny mouth lost that one for her team.)

The third class is geography, an educational staple, and something I can say absolutely nothing about, because I’m horrible at it. The ladies are tasked with placing Indiana correctly on a map of the U.S. The losers? Becca and JoJo, who put Indiana sideways on the map. Again, I can’t make fun of them, but if you’re good at geography, have at it! I support you.

Finally, we head to gym class, where Amber and Mandi come out victorious after making a few free throws. But of course, Ben can only have one Homecoming Queen, which means Amber and Mandi, former teammates, now have to go head-to-head in a race. But it’s not just any race — it’s hurdles because this show just cannot help itself. I hope the person behind the slow-motion gets a raise (and then takes a hard look in the mirror).

Fun fact: The dentist is weird, but she’s also quick…or at least quicker than Amber.  

Just like that, Mandi puts on her “first tiara” — no way I believe that from Ms. Rose Head over here — Ben’s letterman jacket and takes a ride with him on the back of a car, leaving Jennifer incredibly jealous of Mandi’s “super romantic” time with Ben. Is it super romantic? Because I’m pretty sure they’re on the back of a car with a stranger in the front seat, and they’re also right next to the rest of you. Clearly, Jennifer’s idea of “romance” is, well, a little sad.

NEXT: The first kiss of the season goes to…

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