If I’ve learned anything this week, it’s that Bali is incredibly humid, monkeys really like their bananas—which is not a euphemism—and you don’t have to set aside all fashion to hang out in a sacred temple. But none of that is directly relevant to Chris Soules’ love story, so let’s get to it, shall we?
Kicking things off in Bali, which Chris claims is “a long ways from Arlington”—isn’t everything?—we watch as Chris goes through at least six different outfits during his opening montage, where he talks about overnight dates and perfects the art of the hands-on-the-hips pose. Seriously, how many checked bags do we think the show made Chris bring? “You need at least four pink shirts, Chris. It’s kind of your thing.”
First up for the all-day (and hopefully all-night) date is Kaitlyn, who is finally ready to let her guard down. The couple start the date at a temple, where Chris asks his date the first thing you’d think to ask someone in this situation: “When’s the last time you’ve been in a temple?” Tell me the truth, guys. Is this a common thing or am I just really inexperienced? Should I have been hanging out in more temples in my youth?
After balancing baskets on their heads, Kaitlyn and Chris experience the joys of getting to know people despite a language barrier, which Chris is shockingly good at… because he doesn’t have to, you know, use actual words to communicate. Instead, he uses hugs. (That is, except with the two monkeys crossing the road, because they are clearly fans of Ashley S. and are still pissed that Chris sent their leader home.)
With each passing moment of their date, Kaitlyn and Chris grow sweatier until they finally enter a jungle where they learn how to feed bananas to monkeys. Basically, you hold up the banana and pray that the monkey takes it without hurting you. And as Chris learns, if they pee on you, you just go with it.
In one way, Kaitlyn wishes she were a monkey. No, she doesn’t want to pee on Chris—but that would’ve been a twist—but she respects the way they go after what they want. With that in mind, she and Chris find a place to sit, sweat, and peck each other’s faces off. Long story short: Her family really liked him, specifically her stepdad. What did they talk about? We (still) will never know.
At dinner, it’s either raining or the sky is crying from all the humidity, but Kaitlyn finally opens up and tells Chris about her fear of loss. But she doesn’t have one negative feeling about their relationship at this point, and yes, she’d love to check out the fantasy suite.
Fantasy suite number one comes complete with a bed, booze, and a bathtub full of roses? So, like, can they take a bath or is that not allowed? But Kaitlyn’s not worried about it. She tells Chris that she’s falling in love with him and he tells her that he’s falling for her as well. Wait, can he say that? I miss the days of Trista trying desperately to tell Ryan everything with her eyes (and her body).
Regardless, after that day of unintentional hot yoga, here’s to hoping those two have shower sex. (Brief aside: Will Britt ever have shower sex? Food for thought.)
NEXT: Whitney and Chris set sail on the
ocean of love Indian Ocean
Next up, Whitney and Chris meet up in Bali and prove that their children are not going to be the athletic type. Between her run and him nearly falling off the boat, they’re certainly not the world’s most coordinated couple, but they do share a love of pink… and very large amounts of wine.
Aboard some sort of pirate ship—that the captain literally rams into the dock—they set sail on the Indian Ocean. Clearly, Chris learned from the heat of day one and has planned today’s date to ensure a constant breeze with the added bonus of having the presence of cool water nearby.
After not talking for just long enough for all of us to feel awkward, Whitney tries to explain her sister and how she’s always been taught to prepare for the worst. However, Chris isn’t nearly as upset about not getting the sister’s blessing as Whitney is. Old farmer boy over here is confident he’ll get the blessing when the time comes. I mean, have you seen his abs?
Really though, he just took his shirt off because these two are going swimming. As for Whitney, there isn’t one inch of her soul that questions that Chris will be her husband. But most importantly, the captain of the ship approves of their love! Then again, he crashed the ship earlier, so…
Over dinner, Chris wants to ask Whitney about moving to Arlington and whether she’d want to give up her incredible job. And after coming to the stunning realization that separation sucks, Whitney informs Chris that she’s more than willing to move. As far as she’s concerned, her job would be motherhood, and that’d be more than enough.
Whitney is less concerned about where she’ll be and more concerned about whom she’ll be with… so perhaps she should meet her 499 other neighbors before committing, yes? She could knock it out in one night by attending a high school football game. Hey, you can’t say Arlington isn’t convenient.
As for Chris, he can totally see himself proposing to Whitney. And that brings us to fantasy suite number two, which is here to give all women unattainable expectations for their next vacation. Wait, how come they get bubbles in their bath? Clearly, the producers have a favorite.
With that, we will leave them to let their relationship get “deeper and stronger.” Not my words.
NEXT: A medium thinks sex is the answer to Becca’s problems
On the final date of the week, we have Becca, who meets up with Chris in Sidemen. Something about that name and the fact that Chris is dating three women cracks me up—like these are all his side chicks. Okay, it doesn’t totally work, but it amused me for a solid 30 seconds, so make of that what you will.
In Sidemen, something incredible happens: Chris finds his people in Bali! Among the local farmers, Chris’ face lights up as he talks about irrigation and farming and all the other boring stuff we hoped he’d left behind in the United States. As for Becca, well, did she just say that she didn’t know Bali existed? Like Bali, specifically, or…?
Regardless, she’s about to have her mind blown when the couple go to a temple to talk to the village medium and Chris jumps right in, asking if they’re meant to be together. The medium’s response? They’re a very good couple. Oh come on, man. You can do better than that.
The medium then tells them that they’ll both be good parents and claims Becca can be hard to control. (If only he’d met Jade, am I right?) But most importantly, when Becca asks for advice on their big date tonight, the medium proves that men are the exact same no matter where you go: He advises them to make love.
After the temple of temptation—see what I did there?—Chris and Becca sit down to chat about how everything they do together is “fun.” You know what else is fun? Inflection. Maybe you guys would like to try it one day?
At dinner, Becca tells Chris that, because of Arlington’s size, she’d want to be really, really sure about their relationship before making that move. But with that being said, she’s got this feeling that she’s feeling that she’s pretty sure is a feeling like you’d feel when you’re falling in love. Specifically, she has an “overwhelming feeling of wanting to be around you.” Okay, even I will admit that was kind of adorable.
And of course, Chris, ever the love-slut, tells Becca that he’s falling for her, too. Then the fantasy suite envelope arrives. As Becca puts it, “the card comes.” But will she? (I’m so sorry.)
Becca says yes to the fantasy suite, but only so that she will finally have the alone time to tell Chris that she’s a virgin. And after weeks of preparing for this moment and multiple sentences prepping Chris for the fact that she wants to really talk about what she’s about to tell him—and not just breeze right past it—she gives him her big speech. I transcribed the whole thing just so you all could relive it. Here it goes…
“I am a virgin.”
That’s it. She doesn’t start to talk about her decision to wait for marriage. She doesn’t do anything. She literally just waits for Chris to “talk about it” all on his own. I repeat: She waits for CHRIS of all people to talk about it on his own.
Chris is then left to tell Becca that he respects her decision and how it says a lot about who she is. As far as he’s concerned, he cares more about figuring out if they’re going to work than having sex. And that, friends, is what talking about something in depth looks like in Chris and Becca’s relationship. Enjoy third base, you two!
NEXT: Fantasy suite secrets
But here’s the twist: Chris wakes up the next morning and claims that he and Becca had an off-camera serious conversation in the fantasy suite that has left him more confused than ever. He’s not sure where Becca stands because she has reservations. Virtue and reservations! What’s a man to do!
And cue Chris’ first solo interview cry when the Bachelor gets emotional about wanting to introduce all three women to his family. Of course, a good man cry is quickly followed by some Chris Squared time, in which the Bachelor all but says that Whitney is safe but that he’s genuinely confused about what he’s feeling for the other two women. In the end, Chris decides to go with his gut.
After a quick change, Chris Squared meets back up at the most sacred of all the sacred temples they’ve visited so far. Holding hands is the only physical contact allowed. In other words, this place is putting even Becca’s fantasy suite to shame.
But before the rose ceremony can begin, Chris takes Becca aside, where—in a twist—Becca talks more in a matter of minutes than she ever has before. Did Becca—BECCA—just talk her way out of getting sent home? Color me impressed.
She tells Chris that she’s crazy about him and that she is falling in love. She then lets it slip that he’d asked her in the fantasy suite if she thought the show was the reason for her feelings—which is the smartest thing I’ve ever heard Chris reportedly say—to which she clarifies that she only credits the show with introducing them. And yes, they do need to discuss Arlington more, but it’s not necessarily off the table.
Meanwhile, while those two are talking, Whitney and Kaitlyn share their thoughts. For Whitney, if Chris wants Becca, he doesn’t want her, because they’re very different women. And for Kaitlyn, she sees Chris talking to Becca as a good sign… until Chris brings Becca back for the rose ceremony. Oh shoot is right, Kaitlyn. This isn’t looking good. I mean, have you seen how well Whitney’s hair handles this humidity? That’s going to be hard to turn down.
At the rose ceremony, which I’ve taken to calling the rooster ceremony for the number of loud little guys roaming the place, Chris gives roses to Whitney and Becca and sends Kaitlyn packing. (I would comment on Kaitlyn rejecting Becca’s handhold, but I think that was an editing thing and she did turn back around.)
Outside the temple, all Chris can say is that there is no “real right decision.” He’s trusting his gut and praying that it’s right. Clearly, the roosters think he got something wrong.
Seriously, Bali doesn’t have much patience for heartbreak. Just as Kaitlyn starts to break down and admit that she doesn’t want to get in the car, the car starts its engine, the driver all but yelling at her to move it along. So she does, getting in the car and riding away—making sure to buckle her seatbelt first. I don’t know who’s feeling it the most: Chris, Kaitlyn, or the roosters.
Of course, Kaitlyn is humiliated and confused, but we all know she’s our next Bachelorette, right? And if she is, can we bring the roosters back to be her hype men?
All in all, the fantasy suites were highly uneventful, though if I ever feel the need to visit a beautiful sauna, I now know which island to visit. And can someone get me the name of the company that drove Kaitlyn’s getaway car? I’m betting they were efficient as hell.