Fun fact, Bachelor fans: When the show promises a “Chris Tells All” special, what they really mean is that Kelsey will tell some, Chris will tell a little more—but essentially nothing—Andi will tell even more, and Chris Harrison will tell the most. Here are the main takeaways: Kelsey still doesn’t believe she’s that controversial, and Chris says his two-on-one date revealed that he knows less about women than he ever thought he knew. (How much did he think he knew?)
Furthermore, during his not-so-revealing stint in the hot seat, Chris tells all that
the sky is blue he liked Jillian’s extremely small bikini. Riveting stuff, I know. From there, the next bit of less-than-interesting information is about his date with Becca. Apparently, all we missed from their one-on-one date was an adorable donkey named Sully who nearly ruined everything. In other words, there’s a reason we saw so little of their date and can we please stop revisiting it? (No offense, Sully.)
But it’s Harrison who comes in with the interesting information, such as the fact that Ashley S. liked to wander around craft services and cooked up her own conspiracy theory during her time on the show: That what they were really doing in production/the accounting office was running a betting ring on all the women. And not to sound too much like Ashley S. here, but how many of you actually think she was onto something and that they’re bringing it up to try to make it sound crazy? Because part of me really hopes that this is true. I’d almost respect the production team more for it.
Also, we get to see a bit of Ashley S.’s audition tape, which takes place almost entirely on New York City roofs and has no mention of onions or murder. We get it, producers: You didn’t see the crazy coming.
But it isn’t until Andi comes out that we get some real emotion: Andi reveals that she and Josh ended up being too similar to really work out. After attending this season’s live premiere, she started to really question why they weren’t planning their wedding, and from there, things kind of fell apart. Although she’s grateful for the experience, right now, she’s heartbroken. Chris Harrison, on the other hand, is just happy to be back in the presence of someone who can articulate her feelings.
So from the “Chris Tells Nothing” to the real show, we pick up with a rose ceremony in Deadwood, where things don’t go as planned. After Megan does the smartest thing she’s ever done on the show by confronting Chris about their relationship’s lack of forward momentum, he tells her the truth—that other relationships are moving faster. And in a rather respectable move, Chris walks her out right then and there. Megan’s appreciative of his honesty, but Whitney is pretty bummed she didn’t get to say goodbye. (Yes, because I’m sure Megan and Whitney were besties.)
After sending Megan home in what is probably the most emotional goodbye yet, Chris has a newfound fire in him. Taking Harrison aside, Chris Squared decides that there won’t be a rose ceremony tonight. Chris pretty much refuses to send another woman home, claiming that he wants all of the remaining women to come to Iowa—excuse me: God’s country. Whitney’s reaction? “Praise Jesus!” I mean, this woman is downright excited.
In other news, Whitney has no idea where Arlington, Iowa, is.
NEXT: Jade meets Arlington