I would like to welcome everyone back to The Bachelor, or as Kelsey would like it to be titled,The Widow. This week is all about one woman’s journey to make everything about her, turn all her housemates against her, and then end her journey by being stranded in The Badlands. And if that’s not symbolic, then I don’t know what is.
Also happening this week: Not showering proves once again to be the most attractive tool to getting a man. It has approximately triple the lasting power of a panic attack. Just for future reference.
We start off right where we left off: With Kelsey on the floor and nobody giving a flying f—. At this point, Kelsey’s talking about brownies, Whitney is not having it, and Carly thinks it’s all just another way for Kelsey to ensure that she doesn’t get sent home. And considering Kelsey’s not-so-dying wish is that she wants to talk to Chris, I’d say Carly is right.
I mean, even Britt is done, which is saying something. You don’t get more Zen than I-don’t-need-a-shower-to-feel-beautiful Britt, but Kelsey is pushing everyone’s buttons. And then she lets this one slip: “I’m gonna get a rose tonight, for sure.” Ah yes, the 21st-century fairy tale: Sitting on a cold tile floor lying to the man you “love” in an attempt to manipulate him into submission. Romance is truly a beautiful thing.
After Kelsey returns—wrapped in a fur blanket, naturally—she feels more sure than ever that she’s THE woman for Chris. If only she knew that in Iowa the women have panic attacks on bales of hay, amirite? It’s much less dramatic, I guarantee it.
At the rose ceremony, Chris gives roses to Jade, Kaitlyn, Megan, Becca, Ashley, and Kelsey, which means Mackenzie and Samantha get the boot. Poor Mackenzie doesn’t even get a second look—clearly Chris preferred her pre-makeover—while the other women let out their anger about the fact that Samantha reportedly also had a sob story. But, unlike Kelsey, Samantha didn’t exploit it to get more time on the show. So while Samantha carries her secret the mile back to the hotel that Team Bachelor is making her walk in heels, Kelsey is enjoying her guarantee of more time with Chris. Seriously, how far was Samantha’s walk? And what was her story?
Leaving Santa Fe behind, Chris and the nine remaining women head for Deadwood, South Dakota. As Carly puts it, “I’m with eight wonderful, charming women. And Kelsey will be there also.”
But Kelsey won’t be getting the one-on-one. Nope, that time is reserved for Virgin #2, otherwise known as the very sweet Becca. Considering that she’s the only one he hasn’t kissed yet, Chris decides they should go horseback riding. Okay, let’s talk: On a scale of 1 to unbearable, how boring do we think this date was? We’re forced to guess because we’ll genuinely never know. Apparently, the producers deemed it so boring that we didn’t get to see half of it. Where did they ride the horses to? What did they do there? What did the horses have to say?
NEXT: Jade really hates singing
Instead of showing us Becca and Chris bonding—which they really seemed to do—we head back to the hotel, where Carly is leading the Kelsey Hate Club. The members include Kaitlyn and Whitney, who call the first meeting to order when Kelsey herself walks into the room. First up, Whitney calls Kelsey out on her awkward laughing at the rose ceremony before Carly brings up the classic Bachelor argument of “what he sees is not what we see.” In other words, we think you’re a total bitch and want you to go home, like, yesterday. Kelsey responds by telling them all that she genuinely likes them before informing all of us that she has been “blessed with eloquence.” She uses a lot of big words because she’s smart, and the other girls just can’t seem to keep up. There’s nothing quite like labeling yourself the smart one, is there?
Back on the mysterious date, Chris and Becca sit around a fire and laugh, and then talk about laughing, and then laugh some more. Okay, maybe I get why the producers didn’t show us more of this date, but at least they seem to be on each other’s level. A boring man might need a boring woman, but at least they’re attractive? I don’t know what else to say.
The one thing we do learn is that Becca needs reciprocation in a relationship, and Chris finds reciprocation to be as easy as 1, 2, 3. Also, they finally kiss. Yeah, I’m bored.
Time for another date card! This week’s group date will include Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan. Yes, Megan. You. Of course, this means that Ashley and Kelsey are going on the two-on-one date from my dreams, but we’ll get to that in a minute. First, the women meet Chris at Stockade, where they’re tasked with writing some original music with the help of Big & Rich, the country duo behind “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.”
Being from Nashville, Megan still doesn’t completely know where she is, but man is she excited! Carly, of course, is more than comfortable, whereas Jade is dying inside. But surely it’s better than getting hypothermia, right? Well, at least it was until Big—or is that Rich?—makes her run down the street in order to loosen up. Yeah, it’s a good idea in theory, but not when she’s wearing heels.
But ignore me, because it seems to work—Jade returns with a newfound confidence. That is until she sees Britt and Chris sneaking a few kisses and she realizes that she’s writing a song for a guy who’s super into Britt and her miracle beauty drugs.
Up first, Chris takes the stage, where he rhymes “prairie” with “marry” and talks about how he’s been “searching for a wife my whole damn life.” I’m not going to lie, I was impressed that he came up with so many rhymes. Vocally, well, I’ll let Britt take it away: “It wasn’t awesome.” Britt, however, proves that once again, the drugs she’s taking are full of miracles, because of course she can also sing. Not only that, but her song about “sweet music” makes Chris cry. Honestly, does anyone else stand a chance at this point?
Elsewhere, Kaitlyn raps, Jade hates her life, Carly serenades Chris like a GD pro, and lastly, we learn that just when we thought it wasn’t possible, Whitney’s voice does get worse.
NEXT: Welcome to The Chris and Britt Show
After the concerts, Chris takes Jade aside and she lets him know that she does have feelings developing and that she could see herself in Iowa. Chris then quickly reconnects with Kaitlyn before proving that he is the absolute worst at group dates. While all the other women ponder why there’s no rose on this date, Chris grabs Britt and the two of them proceed to sneak out to go watch a Big & Rich show, where he gives her the rose on stage in front of hundreds of people. Because surely that won’t make the other women feel like idiots…
Chris drops Britt back off with the group with just enough time to run away and let Britt take all of the heat. Basically, everyone cries—including Kaitlyn—and Britt has to sit there and pretend that she didn’t just have the time of her life.
From the group date from hell to the two-on-one in The Badlands: As Ashley puts it, she’s Glinda the Good Witch, and she’s ready to take down the Wicked Witch of the West. It doesn’t really work in the context of their roles in the house, but I’ll let it slide because for this hour—and this hour only—I am Team Ashley.
After taking a helicopter past Mount Rushmore and landing in the Badlands, the two-on-one date consists of one bed in the middle of the rocky terrain… and literally nothing else. The show knew what it was doing with this one.
With Ashley up first, she reminds Chris of what a GREAT kisser she is—I think he actually mouthed “help” at one point—before informing him that Kelsey hasn’t gelled with anyone in the house. “We just think she’s kind of fake.” Chris’ response? He wants to marry someone who can gel, you know? So…
Talking to Kelsey, Chris immediately informs her that Ashley said she was fake—Chris wouldn’t last a day in prison–which Kelsey responds to by playing the “I’m hurt” card. She then says she’s lost in a world of competitiveness, to which I’d like to refer back to her earlier statement about how she’s going to “win.” But I’ll stop there and let Kelsey continue to stare hate daggers into Ashley’s head while Ashley drinks her wine. Let’s all pause here to take in Kelsey’s description of Ashley: “She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date who has way too much makeup on to be genuine.” First of all, she’s a WANNABE Kardashian. Get it straight, Kelsey.
Also, I have never loved Ashley more—or at all—than the moment she tells Kelsey that she think she’s smarter than everyone because she uses big words. Guess what? This Kardashian went to grad school too, and she sees right through you.
NEXT: Ding dong, both witches are dead
But then, just when she was doing so well, Ashley stands up and walks away to stomp her feet and cry to Chris. Come on Ash, don’t crumble now! But crumble she does, as she sobs to Chris and tells him that she’s mad that he tattled on her. And when he informs her that Kelsey claimed that she and Ashley have a difference in maturity, Ashley brings the point home by crying her eyes out in order to prove her maturity. But at least she’s self-aware enough to realize that it’s stupid?
At this point, Chris is clearly trying to send her home, telling her that they’re at different places in life, and Ashley is literally choking on tears. Like, she’s snorting at him, and I’m genuinely worried about her health.
Somehow, she pulls through, just in time to hear him say that his lifestyle doesn’t quite match up with hers. And once again proving that she’s totally an adult, Ashley throws Britt under the bus, asking if he thinks she wants to live in Iowa, but poor Chris is so concerned with the amount of snot happening that he can’t even pay attention to Ashley’s words, which is fair.
Ashley then marches away, only to march right back, hug him, say she can’t believe she’s acting like this, and then march off again. Like, what just happened? Are there actually two personalities dueling in there? The fact that she’s talking to herself while sitting on a rock points to yes. Oh my god, now she’s doing that laugh-cry thing again. Last time we saw that, she nearly killed the man. Something tells me they picked the wrong woman to strand in The Badlands.
But, turns out, she won’t be alone: After Chris tells Kelsey that he sent Ashley home, he does the same to her. He’s just not sure if “it’s there between us.” Kelsey takes the news well, somehow finding another way to bring the attention back to herself. After all, on this episode of The Widow, she experienced another loss. And once again, she will rise above it. After all, she is #immeasurablyblessed. Although, for now, Chris is the only one rising above as he literally gets in a helicopter and strands them in The Badlands. Please tell me this is a spin-off: The Badlands: The Virgin vs. The Widow. Now THAT I would watch.
Back at the hotel, the women panic as Ashley’s bags are taken away, followed by something that can only be described as pure joy when Kelsey’s are close behind. With Kaitlyn yelling, “Let’s get drunk,” the women toast to being #immeasurablyblessed.
Well, I now know what I have to do: Spend the rest of the week figuring out how I, too, can be #immeasurablyblessed before we meet up next week for our big two-night event.