I would like to welcome everyone back to The Bachelor, or as Kelsey would like it to be titled,The Widow. This week is all about one woman’s journey to make everything about her, turn all her housemates against her, and then end her journey by being stranded in The Badlands. And if that’s not symbolic, then I don’t know what is.
Also happening this week: Not showering proves once again to be the most attractive tool to getting a man. It has approximately triple the lasting power of a panic attack. Just for future reference.
We start off right where we left off: With Kelsey on the floor and nobody giving a flying f—. At this point, Kelsey’s talking about brownies, Whitney is not having it, and Carly thinks it’s all just another way for Kelsey to ensure that she doesn’t get sent home. And considering Kelsey’s not-so-dying wish is that she wants to talk to Chris, I’d say Carly is right.
I mean, even Britt is done, which is saying something. You don’t get more Zen than I-don’t-need-a-shower-to-feel-beautiful Britt, but Kelsey is pushing everyone’s buttons. And then she lets this one slip: “I’m gonna get a rose tonight, for sure.” Ah yes, the 21st-century fairy tale: Sitting on a cold tile floor lying to the man you “love” in an attempt to manipulate him into submission. Romance is truly a beautiful thing.
After Kelsey returns—wrapped in a fur blanket, naturally—she feels more sure than ever that she’s THE woman for Chris. If only she knew that in Iowa the women have panic attacks on bales of hay, amirite? It’s much less dramatic, I guarantee it.
At the rose ceremony, Chris gives roses to Jade, Kaitlyn, Megan, Becca, Ashley, and Kelsey, which means Mackenzie and Samantha get the boot. Poor Mackenzie doesn’t even get a second look—clearly Chris preferred her pre-makeover—while the other women let out their anger about the fact that Samantha reportedly also had a sob story. But, unlike Kelsey, Samantha didn’t exploit it to get more time on the show. So while Samantha carries her secret the mile back to the hotel that Team Bachelor is making her walk in heels, Kelsey is enjoying her guarantee of more time with Chris. Seriously, how far was Samantha’s walk? And what was her story?
Leaving Santa Fe behind, Chris and the nine remaining women head for Deadwood, South Dakota. As Carly puts it, “I’m with eight wonderful, charming women. And Kelsey will be there also.”
But Kelsey won’t be getting the one-on-one. Nope, that time is reserved for Virgin #2, otherwise known as the very sweet Becca. Considering that she’s the only one he hasn’t kissed yet, Chris decides they should go horseback riding. Okay, let’s talk: On a scale of 1 to unbearable, how boring do we think this date was? We’re forced to guess because we’ll genuinely never know. Apparently, the producers deemed it so boring that we didn’t get to see half of it. Where did they ride the horses to? What did they do there? What did the horses have to say?
NEXT: Jade really hates singing