So basically what we just learned is that the Ashleys of the season were nothing but a distraction, a ploy by the producers to distract us from the real crazy, when in fact, this season is not about onions, serial killers, and virgins. Nope, what this season is really about is women who don’t shower, fake panic attacks, and uncomfortable sob stories?! Let’s just say that if the producers’ plan was to compensate for a particularly bland Bachelor by supplying an over-the-top pack of crazies, well, it worked!
This week takes the women to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Or as you might know it: The perfect place to fall in love. Whatever, as far as Megan’s concerned, it’s the place where everyone wears sombreros because Mexico and New Mexico are basically the same thing, right? Guys, give her a break—this is her first time out of the country.
With Chris declaring that he’s past the “get to know you” stage with these women and ready to move on to the “chemistry stage,” the first date card arrives. And the first one-on-one of the week goes to Carly, whose card says, “Let’s come together…” I would’ve PAID to see Ashley I.’s face if that had been her card. (You know why.)
So what’s in store for these two? Well first, Chris has to rudely interrupt a woman’s meditation, after which we find out that Chris and Carly will be spending their first date being overanalyzed by a love guru named Tziporah Kingsbury. So just to remind you, the scale of “appropriate first date ideas” on this show range from shopping at Costco to dry humping.
Ms. Kingsbury, a “love and intimacy mentor,” promises to take the couple through various processes to inject “more juiciness” into their non-existent, currently juice-less relationship. Both dressed in white, Carly and Chris very uncomfortably make their way into Tziporah’s grasp, where she makes them hum, hump, and everything in between. Specifically, one of their first activities involves Carly blindfolding Chris and feeding him fruits dipped in chocolate. In other words, our favorite game of “The you have to pick which of the five senses it is.” So wait, does this mean Megan is a love guru?
Well, one thing’s for certain: Megan was definitely better at feeding a man than Carly. She does know that the chocolate goes in his mouth, right? But I guess we should cut the poor girl a break—apparently she’s terrified of physical intimacy. In other words, the Bachelor producers are kind of assholes. (Or are they geniuses?)
So after Carly is instructed to smell and feed Chris, Farmer Boy finally realizes that they’re being instructed by less of a love guru and more of a sex guru. What tipped you off, Chris? Was it the moment Carly got into downward dog and the guru instructed you to “go between the thighs”? Right now, this show is about as subtle as a Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.
Stop. They’re now supposed to undress each other? Let’s interpret this date, shall we? So far, “unmask each other” means strip, and “the more transparent we can be with our partner, the DEEPER YOU’RE GOING TO GO” means getting naked and probably something else I don’t want to type.
At this point, Carly is practically shaking as her first date requires her to take off Chris’ pants. Sorry, it requires her to help him “remove that mask.” So did anyone tell the guru that this is a first date? Because I feel like even Tziporah has boundaries. Luckily, both Chris and Carly pause to admit their discomfort, and the guru instead asks them to talk about their masks and blah blah. Get to the part where Carly straddles Chris!
With the only rule being no kissing—Is this really Pretty Woman and is this sex guru really a pimp?—Carly straddles Chris and the two of them get a quick lesson in what is essentially dry humping. They breathe each other in, they look at each other, and when the pimp finally allows them, they make-out like two people who were just forced to stare at each other for a solid 10 minutes.
NEXT: Jade almost dies