Before we begin, I just want to update you all on the relationship of “Jillitt” or “Brillian,” if you prefer. Thanks to some deep investigative research, otherwise known as looking at Jillian’s Facebook page, I have finally discovered what they have in common: Devotions in the morning, taking walks around the mansion in New Balance shoes and bikinis, stealing Reese’s cups from the camera guys, and apparently, a love for Olive Garden. So essentially, they have more in common than any woman appears to have with Chris at this point.
Speaking of Chris, let’s continue on his journey to find
a personality love, shall we? This week, Chris Harrison kicks things off by making all the women jealous—”Obviously I talk to Chris all the time“—before announcing that there will be three dates this week. There will be two group dates, as well as a one-on-one that will be chosen by Chris’ three sisters, otherwise known as ABC’s latest ploy in trying to liven things up this season (while simultaneously taking decision-making power away from Chris). First up: date card number one!
Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey are ready to “do what feels natural.” And to the women, they immediately think that means going without makeup, because “natural” can’t have anything to do with, oh I don’t know, nature? Regardless, we know Mackenzie’s ready for it, because all things natural basically means organic, right? And once Ashley I. tattoos on some makeup and puts in her extensions, she’ll be ready, too!
The date begins with Chris and Megan behind the wheels of some hot convertibles. Somehow, Ashley I. snags the passenger seat in Chris’ car, and she’s pretty pleased with herself for it. After all, she finds driving to be sexy, which basically means every guy 16 and up has at least a small chance.
After arriving at a lake that Megan describes as “blue” and “sparkling”—her vocab grows every week—the girls quickly strip down to their bikinis for some good old “natural” time together. And in case you were wondering, yes, the lake is Mackenzie’s favorite place in the world. It’s also highly likely that her second child will be named “Algae.”
At their private lake, the ladies work on spicing things up, and for Ashley I., that means breaking out of her shyness by going topless. Kaitlyn quickly joins the fun by becoming the second woman to show Chris her bare ass, but Kelsey is having none of it. Sure, when this date was all about no makeup, Kelsey was down. But when it became about stripping in nature, Kelsey was out. “This is a date for bimbos,” she says before throwing around words like “dignity” and “self-respect” as if they have a place on this show. Regardless, Kelsey is so over this date that even nature turns against her when a bee stings her in her upper thigh. (And no cameraman, you CANNOT touch it.)
Back at the house, Jillian’s ass is not about to be upstaged by Kaitlyn’s ass as she sleeps on a float in the pool. However, she might want to wake up considering Chris’ sisters have just arrived. And if Carly’s bouncing doesn’t scare them away, I imagine they’ll have some questions.
One by one, Jackie, Laurie, and Lisa talk to the women in the house. First up, Whitney breaks their ear drums—and stupidly admits to already having a one-on-one date—while Britt informs them that she feels like the frontrunner in the house. Becca admits she’s ready to move to Iowa, Nikki still doesn’t merit me remembering her name, Jillian also talks moving, and Jade brings it home by mentioning her organic makeup company. Free samples, anyone?
Before the sisters make their decision, they have an emotional chat with Carly, who tell them that she’s never had a guy be very nice to her and all she wants is a love like her grandparents had. When talking about Chris, she says, “I want him to be like my grandpa, you know?” You know, I do, but let’s never say that out loud again. Deal?
On that note, Jade gets the date! According to the card, in its fancy gold envelope, she will be attending a royal ball from 8 p.m. until the last stroke of midnight. Also, “The prince doesn’t know you’re coming.”
NEXT: “I’m a camping virgin, and I’m also a virgin camping.”