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The Bachelor recap: Ho-down Throwdown

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THE BACHELOR
Rick Rowell/ABC

The Bachelor

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
seasons:
20
run date:
03/25/02
performer:
Aaron Buerge, Andrew Firestone, Bob Guiney, Alex Michel, Estella Gardinier, Trista Rehn, Jen Schefft
Producer:
Mike Fleiss
broadcaster:
ABC
genre:
Reality TV

Let’s be real here: The Bachelor producers had to be shaking in their loafers after they filmed week two. I mean, how do you top the delicious cocktail that was Ashley S. mixed with zombies? There’s just nothing you can do. Unless, of course, you bring in Jimmy Kimmel to throw our bachelor off his game, to finally make people accountable for the ridiculous over-use of the word “amazing,” and force couples to go shopping at Costco. I’ll admit that I was skeptical about the Kimmel factor of it all, but then he brought in the Amazing Jar and, well, it was the first thing this season that truly deserved the descriptor “amazing.”

We kick things off with Kimmel’s arrival. Sadly, he’s not in a limo but rather a black town car, but I’ll let that slide. Upon entering Chris’ unlocked house—seriously, they want these girls to visit—Kimmel presents us with what might be the most endearing Chris moment yet. I’m thinking sleepy Chris is the best Chris and therefore, we should do this entire show at like 3 in the morning. Who’s with me? I know Ashley S. is. There’s no way she sleeps.

After handing Chris a cup of coffee, Kimmel introduces himself to the “sister wives” at the mansion. Proof that it’s hella early? Chris Harrison is in a V-neck. A V-neck. Talk about embarrassing. Long story short, Kimmel is going to be sticking around for the week, planning the dates, invading said dates, and so on. Speaking of which, he’s come prepared with the first date card, which gives Kaitlyn her first one-on-one. The card itself isn’t nearly as punny as it should be, but I’ll forgive Kimmel if only for the fact that he sends Kaitlyn and Chris to the “exclusive club” that is Costco. Never did I think that I’d get to watch someone (who’s not homeless) drink champagne in the parking lot of a Costco. Bless you, Jimmy.

But the date doesn’t end in the parking lot. In what is an oddly normal and refreshing move, Kimmel is having Chris and Kaitlyn prepare dinner for him. Step one of that process involves a trip to Costco to get the necessary food, ridiculous amounts of ketchup, and one tub of mayonnaise. Good thing Kaitlyn wore a crop top, am I right?

Roaming the aisles, Chris and Kaitlyn find themselves distracted by a huge blow-up ball. With both of them climbing inside, the producers enlist some brief child labor to get a few girls to push them down an aisle. You know, like everyone does at Costco. Then, Kaitlyn and Chris begin to make out in the plastic ball, instantly achieving a new low in life: not classy enough for Costco.

Back at Chris’ house, the couple take a moment alone before Jimmy arrives. They both agree that helicopters are so last week, and Costco is the best. They also recognize that Kaitlyn has a man laugh, and Chris has a girl laugh. It’s true, and in that moment, I decide I can forgive Kaitlyn for her first impression.

After a make-out session that consists of really annoying pecks—get it together, Kaitlyn—Jimmy shows up to watch Chris barbecue before he starts grilling Kaitlyn. (See what I did there?)

Over dinner, we learn that Kaitlyn has dated one farmer in the past—but a legit one who had cows—and that she wouldn’t be angry if Chris slept with all the women he took to the fantasy suite. “You can’t take out a car without test driving it,” she says. I’ll let Jimmy take this one: “It’s not going to get any better than this.” Apparently, Canadians are a lot more open about the fantasy suite than Americans … or Venezuelans.

Essentially, this date is an hour of the three of them making jokes about threesomes and Chris’ divine mission to sleep with everyone on the show, and it only makes me like every one of them more. The highlight of the night = Jimmy calling Chris out on his horrific speeches. “You have a way with words. Are there people on the farm or just animals?” Bravo. And thank you, Jimmy, for proving that Chris is hiding a personality in there somewhere. I think.

NEXT: Sun’s out, buns out

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