Well, we made it to week two, and I want to thank all of you for the technological warm embrace. It wasn’t quite what I imagine hugging Chris to be like—no offense—but you all have me feeling as welcome as a bottle of water in Tara’s hand right about now, so what more could a girl ask for?
Speaking of Tara, we pick up right where we left off, with the poor cowgirl desperate to find a bed, and Kimberly refusing to miss her opportunity to get to know Chris. Didn’t he hear the part where she’s a yoga instructor? Doesn’t he realize that means she has incredible
flexibility willpower? Well, he’s about to find out when she marches back into the mansion and asks to speak to him.
Pulling him outside, she tells Chris what he already knows: They didn’t get to talk tonight. Also, she feels like she was supposed to meet him and namaste and all that. As for how the other girls feel about Kimberly, I’ll let Kaitlyn sum things up: “Remember two minutes ago when he said goodbye to you? Goodbye means see you later, like, see you never.”
Sadly, however, Kaitlyn underestimated the allure of a tight white dress. Kimberly is back in the race, and the rest of the girls sort of care but are mostly just tired. Note: The women all sitting on the floor during Chris and Kimberly’s chat is proof that we just witnessed the longest night one ever. I mean, the sun is coming up outside. No wonder Tara’s drunk and Jillian thinks that a “slow clap” is for moments you hate.
Cut to the next morning/three hours later, and Chris Squared is reminiscing over a cup of coffee. Harrison’s “Do you remember anything from last night?” makes me want to do an investigative piece into how much alcohol was consumed during night one (and who put what in Ashley S.’s drink). Speaking of, what do you think she did with that pomegranate? Did she cut it and peel it the way, you know, you cut and peel humans? (Somewhat literal) food for thought.
Also, how does Harrison know that these are 23 of the hottest women Chris has ever dated? Are we just assuming that Iowans aren’t hot? Has he met every one? But just as quickly as Harrison insults the entire female populate of a state, he makes his way to the mansion to deliver the first date card of the season. Just for the record, the women think Bachelor Chris is “amazing, adorable, genuine, sweet, amazing, and also, amazing.” Tara, in particular, is amazed at his smiling abilities. AMAZED.
As Chris hops in his outdoor shower—and lathers like a champ—Harrison all but throws the women his direction. Informing the ladies that Chris lives but 15 or so yards away, he makes damn sure they realize that “There’s no rules here!” In other words, late-night scandal leads to high television ratings, so grab your lingerie and get to walking, ladies! Chris Harrison wants some hook-ups! Not you, Ashley S. There are no “onions” to peel at Chris’ house.
Onto the first date card: Jade, Tandra, Ashley I., Mackenzie (and her overalls—but are they organic?), Kimberly, and Tara are asked to show Chris their “country.” So basically, it’s fate that Mackenzie is wearing overalls, right? Some might even call it “amazing.” But Jillian won’t be using that word anytime soon, because her biceps are pissed that Kimberly is getting a date, especially considering that not everyone will this week. Here’s a secret: Kimberly got the date because …
It’s a bikini-wearing sort of date! So by “show me your country,” Chris meant what exactly? I’m not really sure, but Mackenzie still has her trusty overalls, so pretty much nothing else matters. Well, except for this quote from Ashley I.: “I’m more Kardashian than I am country.” Considering you’re in downtown Los Angeles, I think you’ll be fine.
NEXT: Save a cowboy, ride a tractor