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'The Bachelor' recap: When life gives you onions

The Women Tell All special reunites the season’s most memorable contestants, and Ashley S. brought a present.

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David Moir/ABC

The Bachelor

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
seasons:
20
run date:
03/25/02
performer:
Aaron Buerge, Andrew Firestone, Bob Guiney, Alex Michel, Estella Gardinier, Trista Rehn, Jen Schefft
Producer:
Mike Fleiss
broadcaster:
ABC
genre:
Reality TV

I never thought I’d say these words, but I have missed Ashley S. Even more than that, I’m so happy that she didn’t strut onto the Women Tell All stage with some kind of explanation for her behavior. Can you imagine if she’d come out and admitted that she’d been drunk (or even high) during her time on the show? I’m pretty sure that if that happened, my heart would’ve broken. But thankfully, I don’t need a limo ride to handle my tears, because it’s good news: Ashley S. is nothing if not crazy! And as it turns out, there’s nothing quite like actual insanity to make you really cherish someone… and make that someone really cherish onions. But enough about her—not really, more to come—let’s get down to business.

We start with a glimpse into the women’s dressing rooms, where Britt is applying lipstick, Ashley S. needs help zipping up her dress, and Kelsey is applying powder to her ears? Maybe that’s what makes her so much better than everyone?

On stage, Chris Harrison introduces us to the Bachelor who has kissed more women than any other man in Bachelor history—take that, Bob!—before giving us a quick montage of Chris Squared crashing Bachelor viewing parties.

Here are the takeaways: People really need to lock their doors and stop assuming that all cowboys wear cowboy hats. Corn tequila is apparently a thing? But it really shouldn’t be, because it makes mothers kiss Chris. Also, Chris has never had more personality than in his moments with Chris Harrison.

And a bit of good news: If you thought this show was an embarrassment to society (or whatever), there’s nothing more embarrassing for America than watching really drunk women straddle a complete stranger, break shot glasses, and then chug whiskey. #Merica

Okay, enough with the montage. It’s time to catch up with the women. Up first, Britt gets her chance to call out Carly on why she pretended to be her friend while at the house. But before Carly and Britt can really exchange any actual thoughts, we get our first unwelcome opinion of the season when Trina yells about how the show’s about CHRIS. Hey, remember Trina? Me neither. That’s why she’s yelling right now.

But Chris Harrison is no stranger to women trying to have their 15 minutes, so he quickly shuts Trina down and pulls Britt into the hot seat. There, Britt reveals that she was falling in love and that she does believe she could’ve stuck around if it weren’t for Carly. Carly, however, would like to reference Chris’ People.com blog, in which he revealed that she was the third person to tell him about Britt’s lies.

But everybody hold on because Jillian’s ass is here and she has something to say! First of all, Jillian is not happy with Carly for the way she bashed her in front of Chris. (Nikki agrees.) But she’s really not happy that Carly chose to attack Britt, her lover favorite person. And just like that, my favorite relationship of the season is back, only this time, it’s a little bit angrier than usual.

Before Jillian’s biceps explode, Harrison calms her down with a statement of truth: “You’re a little jacked up.” Jillian agrees, but let’s not skip over the most important thing that just happened here: Chris Harrison just whistled at Jillian to get her attention. He whistled at her.

NEXT: Britt v. Carly

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