I never thought I’d say these words, but I have missed Ashley S. Even more than that, I’m so happy that she didn’t strut onto the Women Tell All stage with some kind of explanation for her behavior. Can you imagine if she’d come out and admitted that she’d been drunk (or even high) during her time on the show? I’m pretty sure that if that happened, my heart would’ve broken. But thankfully, I don’t need a limo ride to handle my tears, because it’s good news: Ashley S. is nothing if not crazy! And as it turns out, there’s nothing quite like actual insanity to make you really cherish someone… and make that someone really cherish onions. But enough about her—not really, more to come—let’s get down to business.
We start with a glimpse into the women’s dressing rooms, where Britt is applying lipstick, Ashley S. needs help zipping up her dress, and Kelsey is applying powder to her ears? Maybe that’s what makes her so much better than everyone?
On stage, Chris Harrison introduces us to the Bachelor who has kissed more women than any other man in Bachelor history—take that, Bob!—before giving us a quick montage of Chris Squared crashing Bachelor viewing parties.
Here are the takeaways: People really need to lock their doors and stop assuming that all cowboys wear cowboy hats. Corn tequila is apparently a thing? But it really shouldn’t be, because it makes mothers kiss Chris. Also, Chris has never had more personality than in his moments with Chris Harrison.
And a bit of good news: If you thought this show was an embarrassment to society (or whatever), there’s nothing more embarrassing for America than watching really drunk women straddle a complete stranger, break shot glasses, and then chug whiskey. #Merica
Okay, enough with the montage. It’s time to catch up with the women. Up first, Britt gets her chance to call out Carly on why she pretended to be her friend while at the house. But before Carly and Britt can really exchange any actual thoughts, we get our first unwelcome opinion of the season when Trina yells about how the show’s about CHRIS. Hey, remember Trina? Me neither. That’s why she’s yelling right now.
But Chris Harrison is no stranger to women trying to have their 15 minutes, so he quickly shuts Trina down and pulls Britt into the hot seat. There, Britt reveals that she was falling in love and that she does believe she could’ve stuck around if it weren’t for Carly. Carly, however, would like to reference Chris’ People.com blog, in which he revealed that she was the third person to tell him about Britt’s lies.
But everybody hold on because Jillian
’s ass is here and she has something to say! First of all, Jillian is not happy with Carly for the way she bashed her in front of Chris. (Nikki agrees.) But she’s really not happy that Carly chose to attack Britt, her lover favorite person. And just like that, my favorite relationship of the season is back, only this time, it’s a little bit angrier than usual.
Before Jillian’s biceps explode, Harrison calms her down with a statement of truth: “You’re a little jacked up.” Jillian agrees, but let’s not skip over the most important thing that just happened here: Chris Harrison just whistled at Jillian to get her attention. He whistled at her.
NEXT: Britt v. Carly
Once Jillian lets go of her roid rage, we return to Britt, who admits that she does want to have kids. She and Ashley I. have a fairly normal conversation about how Ashley I. could’ve misinterpreted what she said about kids, and all is well.
However, nothing is well with Carly, who is not fairing well with the live crowd. Carly explains how Britt hated Arlington before telling everyone she loved it, but Britt’s reasoning is simple: People can change their minds, Carly. Britt then tells Carly that she believes that Carly’s anger toward her came from a place of pain and that it was easier to demonize Britt than it was to figure that out. I’d love to know what Hand Puppet Britt thought of that one.
Britt: 1, Carly: 0. Conclusion: They’re not going to agree on this.
After a commercial break, we check back in and get a quick glimpse behind the scenes as Britt tells Chris Harrison that she thought everyone at the house was her friend and that she believes that she really could’ve ended up with Chris.
But enough with the tears! Let’s bring on the snot, shall we? Because it’s time for Kelsey’s turn in the hot seat.
After reliving her story on the big screen, Kelsey begins her speech with, “I’m feeling betrayed.” But like, did anyone ask you? At least let Chris Harrison talk first, Kels.
According to Kelsey, she’s grieving all over again. It’s a thought that makes Harrison’s face pull a full-on Grumpy Cat before Kelsey—and her two tears—ask for a tissue. He hands her his silk pocket square, and she proceeds to blow her nose in it. So if any of you had questions about why she’s better than everyone else, I hope that cleared it up.
When asked why the women disliked her, she once again references her use of “big words,” before she admits that she sees how her actions could’ve been misinterpreted. But no, she doesn’t think she’s better than the other women and she just wants to be accepted. She then apologizes to Ashley I. for her mean words before Chris cuts to a commercial break in a panicked attempt to keep the other women from rushing the stage.
Once we return, the roast begins: Juelia calls Kelsey calculated and fake, saying that she’d never use her tragic story to say that she deserved love more than anyone else. And in a shocking moment, Megan speaks up, revealing that her mother—whose husband dropped dead while running—was offended by the way that Kelsey used her story as a tool to get the rose. And if Kelsey wasn’t done grieving, why’d she even go on the show? I’d like to reiterate that Megan said that. The lesson: You don’t have to understand geography to be wise.
NEXT: The return of the onion
A few other women speak up—Trina has feelings and Samantha blames Kelsey for her going home that night—but it isn’t until Ashley I. gets to talk that things get fun again.
Kelsey asks for the women’s forgiveness saying that she never meant to offend anyone, but Ashley I. finds it hard to accept an apology from someone who thinks she’s so much better than everyone. Kelsey then calls Ashley out on her comment questioning Sanderson’s existence. Although many of the women agree that it’s not a stretch to think that, Jillian once again jumps in as defender, saying that’s too far. And when Jillian jumps in, you don’t ask questions.
Yes, Kelsey regrets saying she has an “amazing story,” but that’s about all she’ll say before she turns back into her own publicist, talking about how she could have given up after her husband’s death, but instead, she chose to grow. Yeah, this show’s still not about you, Kelsey. Sorry.
However, I truly wish this show were about Ashley S. (And so does Chris Harrison.)
Making her way to the hot seat, Ashley S. gives Chris a hosting gift in the form of an onion. Why? Because she now grows them. She claims the show inspired her, but we all know the real reason: Now, when she talks about “peeling layers,” people will think she’s talking about onions…
Also, did she say “it’s nice to meet you” when she hugged Chris? Because if so, that’s my favorite moment of the night.
Let’s see. How do I sum up Ashley’s time in the hot seat? I couldn’t even begin to try. I do know that she would like to clarify that she talked to only one cat, and no, it didn’t talk back. When asked to describe herself, she says, “I like to ride bikes and this is me.” Sounds about right. Any questions?
And finally, when Chris asks her to join them on Bachelor In Paradise, the place breaks into applause, but all she can muster is, “It’s so weird… just that we’re on TV.” Clearly, Chris should’ve led with all the fruit she could pick in paradise.
Next up, Jade heads to the hot seat to admit that the thing that’s really bugging her is something that happened after the show: When she read Chris’ People blog, he mentioned how he felt like the Jade he knew was not the Jade her family knew and that he found it “disturbing.” And now, she’d like some closure.
Also looking for closure is Kaitlyn—who’s in the same crop top she wore to Costco, yes or no?—who is still hung up on the fact that she felt so very confident heading into her final rose ceremony. Why didn’t he give her a sign that she was going home? (To be fair, he did try to have you killed by monkeys…)
NEXT: Prince Farming
explains himself apologizes
With the questions piling up, Chris Harrison brings out Prince Farming himself. Also, I have to give a quick shout-out to the show for only giving Chris Soules 20 minutes on screen. Because watching him attempt to explain himself for any longer would’ve been considered cruel and unusual punishment.
Although, much to my surprise, I think Chris was the most articulate tonight he’s ever been. Put as much stock in that as you will.
Upon seeing Chris, Britt starts—or rather keeps—crying and Carly is so over it. First on the stage, Britt tells Chris that she understands why he believed Carly but she doesn’t like that they left things on a sour note. She tells him that she respects him and that she never lied to him, and Chris, in one of his best moments, tells her that him sending her home wasn’t about Carly. He let Britt go because it wasn’t right; he’d never make a decision based on what anyone else said. The conclusion on Chris and Britt? Nothing but love and respect. The conclusion on Carly? She finally cries, and Chris Harrison doesn’t even care enough to ask.
Next up, Kaitlyn wants an explanation, but Chris doesn’t have the perfect answer: There was no “aha” moment when he realized which two women he was going to pick. He now realizes that making Kaitlyn stand through a rose ceremony maybe wasn’t the best move, but the poor guy was doing the best he could.
As for Jade, she joins Chris on the couch and calls him out on two instances of painful diction:
“Disturbing”: Referencing Chris’ blog, the Bachelor quickly corrects his word choice. He probably should’ve said that he was “caught off guard” by her family’s description of her. He knew Jade to be shy and put together, and yet her brother was calling her a wild mustang.
“Awkward”: This is in reference to the moment when Jade showed him her pictures—and video. In the moment, Jade says it felt fine. But after watching the show, he called it “awkward.” Why? Well, because it was. Again, he knows it was a poor choice of words, but really, shouldn’t we just be happy he found any words at all?
And no, he didn’t send Jade home because of the pictures.
Tack on some over-hyped bloopers and you’ve got the Women Tell All. Burning questions: Will Ashley S. go on Bachelor In Paradise? How does Britt’s makeup never run? And is Kelsey going to burn Chris Harrison’s handkerchief in some sort of witchy ritual? I don’t know, but for now, I’m off to see if Ashley S. will give me some tips in growing onions, because sane or not, that woman clearly knows how to garden.