Before we get to this week’s leg of Juan Pablo’s “adventure,” rose lovers, I’ve got to admit something. I’m pathologically afraid of traveling anywhere in Southeast Asia, primarily because I once saw Brokedown Palace and am now convinced that devious heroin smugglers lurk around every corner in those countries just waiting to prey on clueless American women like myself. (Then again, it’s not like absurd, false convictions can’t happen in Europe.) So forgive me — and blame Hollywood — if I’m unable to rhapsodize about the exotic beauty of Vietnam.
“I have 11 girls left,” Juan Pabs tells us, adding that he’ll be “keeping my eyes very open right now” and focusing on giving time to the women hasn’t gotten to know very well. That’ll be good news for the “ladies,” but they’re not going to be able to focus on anything until they’re checking in to what seems to be the top three floors of the InterContinential Danang Sun Peninsula Resort. “Like, 20 years from now I still want to remember, like, every little detail,” says Nikki of the gorgeous digs. The pediatric nurse also admits that she was the cause of some “tension” last week, but says she’s ready to “move forward.” Well, toots, you’re not gonna move forward until hour two, because Renee just got the first one-on-one of the week. (By the way, I feel like putting out an APB for the Accent Table of Doom. We miss you, buddy!)
Renee — who reveals that Juan Pablo “makes my hands hurt a little bit,” which is truly odd — is sincerely hoping that she’ll finally get to kiss the Bachelor on this date. It could happen — after all, Juan Pablo thinks Renee is “so cuuuute.” On the other hand, he seems more interested in having Renee “meet the world and see a different culture and eat some weird stuff” than smooching her. Juan Pablo drives Renee (via pedicab) to a clothing store in the center of town, where a tailor begins measuring her for a custom-made dress. (“Ooooh, eighty-six!” jokingly reading the number on the measuring tape wrapped around Renee’s bosom.) But it’s not all sophomoric boob jokes; in fact, Renee is touched by Juan Pablo’s little considerate gestures, like buying her a fan to keep her from being soaked in sweat and suggesting they shop for gifts for Camila and her son Ben. It is all very sweet, but honestly if the Bachelor doesn’t kiss her soon things are going to start getting very awkward. “I really want to kiss this man,” groans Renee, who stares at Juan Pablo intently as they sip beer, as though she’s trying to bore through his skull with her desire. “What are you thinkin’ about?” Juan Pabs asks her, and it’s clearly all she can do not to scream, “I’m thinking ‘Is body language your second language too? For the love of all that’s holy, man — your lips, my lips, NOW!'”
Maybe he’ll get the hint at dinner. Renee does look smokin’ hot in her bespoke purple dress. But is Juan Pablo actually into her? It’s nearly impossible to say. So far he’s talked almost every one-on-one date in the same way: “[Name of date here] is so beautiful”; “[Name of date] is so niiice“; “I had a great time with [name of date here].” He’s going to have to start sending some of these one-on-ones home before we really know what he’s thinking.
NEXT: If only we had farms in America