Kristen Baldwin
March 13, 2015 AT 09:07 PM EDT

The Bachelor

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Arie Luyendyk Jr, Nick Viall, Ben Higgins, Chris Soules, Juan Pablo Galavis
Mike Fleiss
Current Status
In Season

Desiree, 26: Something about this bridal stylist’s sly laugh tells me that when she says, “You’re seeing all these girls so happy and you’re like, ‘How did they meet their guy?'”, what she means is “I’m tired of helping all these fatties and uggos choose a dress — when will it be my turn?” She appears to get revenge on brides-to-be by encouraging them to buy gowns like this.

Tierra, 24: This brunette beauty seems too standard-issue and dull to get her own profile segment (“I want to have a family because I’m very family oriented” etc. etc.)… until the producer tells her that the Bachelor is Sean. Then she begins squealing like Ned Beatty in Deliverance. “Aaiiiiiiieeeeeee! No way! The Bachelor is Sean! Oh my god I’m so excited!” She then giddily cavorts around with her fluffy little terrier and changes the wallpaper on her iPhone to a photo of the Bachelor. Healthy!

Robyn, 24: This one seems altogether too smart and motivated to be on this show. She works in “sales and engineering” and is teaching herself Spanish via sticky notes, for God’s sake! But she is on this show, so something must be wrong with her, even if she does do a mean back flip. (Also: She joins Leslie, Ashley H. and Brooke, who we’ll meet later, as the first African-American contestants since, I don’t know, Matt’s season in 2008, right?)

Diana, 31: A single mother of two girls who runs a hair salon and has a problem achieving “that mad, deep, passionate love,” hence the single mom part.

Sarah, 26: A graphic designer for an ad agency? It looks like Team Bachelor just might be upping the IQ ante this season. I just wish Sarah wasn’t another blonde from LA. Bor-ring… OH. Okay, she has one arm.  Must… tread… carefully… Well, can I say that she’s making great strides for the differently-abled community by proving that they, too, can humiliate themselves on national TV just as women with all of their limbs have been doing for years? No? I can’t? Then forget I said anything. Let’s move on.

Ashley, 28: “I have no idea why I’m still single!” brays this Midwestern hairdresser, who goes on to say that even though she’s “actively searched” for a boyfriend, “it’s just me and my cat now.” Well, her cat does have a little competition: 50 Shades of Grey, which has apparently, to quote a classic film, given her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks: “I totally hope Sean rips my clothes off and spanks me!”

Lesley, 25: This “modern-day Southern belle” works in D.C., a city filled with (in her words) nerds and politicians — but all she wants is a nice Southern boy. Team Bachelor has her print out the world’s saddest campaign poster, reading “Lesley Sean 2016” — and I guess the joke is that their relationship would actually last three years, should Lesley get the final rose?

Kristy, 25: Hmmm, a gimlet-eyed brunette who brags about being a model and insists that “girls will be jealous of me”? Nope, doesn’t remind me of anyone at all.

AshLee, 32: Gah! I really wish she didn’t spell her name like that, because everything else (her amazing job as a professional organizer, and her uplifting overcoming-a-foster-home-upbringing backstory) makes me want to root for her.

NEXT: Say a prayer, Sean – the limos are on their way

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