I had the strangest dream, rose lovers. In it, I was recapping The Bachelor, and when I got to the last episode, the freak who showed up in the wedding dress on the first night and the woman who barely spoke for the first six episodes were the final two “ladies.” Odd, right? I should probably cut down on the Lunesta.
After a brief welcome from Harrison — coming to you LIVE from the Tealight Candle Thunderdome — our “historic,” three-hour waking nightmare begins in Chiang Rai, Thailand, where Sean is feeling simultaneously “blessed” and afraid. “My fear coming into this last week is that I’ll realize that I’m madly in love with two women and I won’t know which direction to go,” muses the Bachelor. “I’m hoping my family is going to help me ultimately make my final decision.” Oh, Sean. You clearly have never seen this show.
The Lowe family — Sean’s parents, his sister Shay and brother-in-law, and his niece and nephew, Kensington and Smith — descends on the Bachelor’s temporary pad. Those kids are cute, but man, did they really need to be a part of this again? It’s got to be doing irreparable damage to their understanding of marriage and human relationships. “Smith, what are we doing here to see Uncle Seany?” Shay asks her little boy. “Are we going to help him pick out a girl?” Yes, that’s right sweetie. Uncle Seany has been shopping for almost two whole months and now he needs someone to help him choose between the brown wife and the white one. Smith seems more interested in plunging a verbal dagger into Uncle Seany’s heart: “Emily didn’t pick you!” he declares, as the grown-ups laugh a little too hard.
The Bachelor preps his family for their meeting with the first “lady,” Catherine. “We get each other,” he says. “I’m a little weird, funny, and she’s a little weird, funny. So we bring that out in each other.” Mama Sherry says she’s “excited” to meet bachelorette No. 1, but she also warns her son that she’s not here to cast the tie-breaking vote: “I’m thinking if there’s going to be a proposal, you need to already know in your head, pretty much, which way you’re going to go.” Oh, Mom. You clearly have never seen this show.
Over lunch, Catherine breaks the ice by revealing that she played football on an all-boys team in sixth grade… until she broke her arm. (And Sean’s dad Jay LOVES it.) Mom soon swoops Catherine away for a chat, during which the candidate reveals that she passed Sean notes several to let him know she liked him, and one day he actually wrote back. “It was much more serious after that,” Catherine explains. “At this point I know that all that I can think about is a future with him.” Mom must like what she hears, because by the end of the chat she’s cautiously welcoming Cathy to the family: “I can’t tell you how pleased — and a little relieved — I am.” Next, darling dad Jay poses this head-scratcher to Catherine with the soothing cadence of a preacher: “My question to you is how do you know for sure that you really are in love before you get married?” Unfortunately her answer doesn’t make much sense — and Jay probably only hears the part where she talks about giving herself to Sean “completely” — but that doesn’t stop him from offering this ridiculously sweet reply: “If it’s you that Sean ends up marrying, you will never have a bigger fan than me… I’ll love you like my daughter.” You guys! Am I seriously getting misty already?
NEXT: “Well, shall we vote?”